a woman is only as good as the man she chooses
sometimes i think about the men i have fucked around with and i shake my head is dismay. half of these boys, if i wasnt so discontent with life at the time i would have never have dated. I dated a boy with money because i needed to fill my life with materlistic things, i dated a boy who hated himself because i hated myself too, i dated a boy who really didnt care for me cause i was to young and naive to care about myself. more and more im finding the men i have in my life reflect how i feel about things. The last boy i cared about broke me..he tamed me, used me, and disposed of me faster then i could understand and when it was all said and done, he called and i came back for more. I wrestle how i feel with him, which is directly related how he treats me. if he values me, then i find value him and if he dosent, i toy with him. Obviously, this isnt a healthy relationship, i should be giving my effort with someone i care about, someone who gets how redicuolus i can be and how sweet i really am. But i cant, i cant do it. i cant bring myself to making chris choose. somehow, im comfortable being his best kept secert. were not together but if u saw us from afar u would think we'd be. and then there is alll this talk of moving intogether and being together and sure im up for it cause im stupid and say no, but i dont know if i can handle it. ill go from secret to commitment just like that (snap) and it will all change. i cant casually see him and go snuggle up with someone else when he ignores me, i cant date another boy or hell even flirt with him..chris will know for godsake where sharing the same bed, and he'll know. this may be selfish to say, but for all the things chris does for me emotionaly, i dont know if im ready to give up the things i search for physically, i mean chris will always be there for me, no matter what and i can tell im already taking that for granite, so why rush when comfort is just a phone call away. besides, being his best kept secret is giving me trust issues with him, and he dosent even see it, he doesnt know how he has my heart, and everytime we part it breaks a little more. so if men reflect who we are as women then does my hesitation with chris reflects my need to be victim/hurt/pain. in other words, am i really imcapable of letting someone love me for me?