so this is what letting go feels like? pretty fucking cool
To Whom It May Concern:
I write this not looking for anything in return; neither opinion nor reaction means anything to me at this point. In fact, nothing u neither do nor say has an affect on me. I right to you in hopes of regaining the life I lost as a result of you. Though you disappeared early, and made excuses often, you took a big part of my life away. I’m not sure where to begin, with the emotional and physical abuse or the abandonment, do you care? Well I’m sure we can both agree that neither was beneficial to me and my development. So as I sit here writing, the memory of hits and yells and being told I wasn’t good enough floods my memory. I have an urge to cry but I don’t, cause I’m stronger then that. I am better then you, I always have been.
You have the audacity to say you’re my “father” but are u really? Princeton defines parent as: father or mother; one who begets or one who gives birth to or nurtures and raises a child; a relative who plays the role of guardian. Were you ever there to nurture or raise me? Did you ever play the role of guardian? Did you ever wipe a single tear from my face; teach me how to have healthy relationships with other men? And honestly if you have to think about the answer, I feel sorrier for you then I do myself. You were never my father; you never acted like a parent. As far as I am concerned you are just some man that haunts me.
By this point you should feel like shite, and miserable, and you should be angry. I want you to be, because these are all things you made me feel. Every forgotten phone call, broken promise, the lack of being there, the lack of just being a courteous human. I don’t want any apologies, any reasoning, nothing. You deserve nothing from me, and you actions have more then spoken for you. Do you realize how hard my life has been, how many times I have sat up crying, wondering why I cant do anything right, why no one likes me, why when I find the boy I care about I fuck that up as fast as I can. This is because of you, because I didn’t have dad around. He was too busy; he was so fucking far away. NO you weren’t. You were never to far away, you were never to busy, you just didn’t care. I don’t think you ever did, and to be honest I feel more foolish for caring about you now, then I did when I was younger.
The amount of anger and frustration and hurt I feel, is not nearly justified in this letter. No words could ever express how much I hate you, how much I wish to never know of your existence. I suppose the only thing that could possibly semi justify how I feel is this little poem:
From You to Me
one day, when I am much older and perhaps much wiser, I will talk to you, I will tell you how much you hurt me, broke me in sprit and heart, disserted me when I needed u the most, killed my life, and forever damaged my perception. I will look u dead in the eye and recall my painful experiences from sexual to mental, how I found pleasure in inflicting pain. I will tell you how violent and angry I was, how when someone else was in pain, I couldn't help but laugh, when someone else died, I felt nothing, how I held the world in contempt and blamed those around me for your actions. I will cry and scream, not out of pain, but unbearable anger when I speak of the many nits where I bargained from early death to my soul for you to be in my life, for you to be there when I was home, to talk to me as me, not who u thought I should be. I will stop and stand, showing u I am power, as I scream at you for all the things I lost, all the things ill never have, how everyday life reminds how u made it so hard, how even though I am not dead, this weight I bear kills me slowly as u do, how I can never say what I really feel, and distrust and cause destruction. You will learn of my friends: misery and sorrow, the only two in a long ling of friends that have remained constant through this ever-changing being, who as far as I'm concerned I gave up a long time ago. You will learn I have no ambition to marry or conceive, for great fear of being you. I am not there for explanations, your decision not to try is enough, and I shall not ask for apologies, only God can forgive you, I can not. When I am finished, simply I will turn my back as you have (like father, like daughter right?) hopes that makes you proud....
I thought I’d say hi dad, thanks for breaking me...
I don’t care of your reaction, weather you hate me, loathe me, or feel sorry. The only person at this point, capable of forgiving you is God. Make your peace with him. I am writing this letter because I am finished; I want nothing more to do with you. As far as I am concerned, you left me long before I decided to be done with you. This is a goodbye, I am not your daughter, and you were never my father.
Sincerely and free
Melissa Harris
I write this not looking for anything in return; neither opinion nor reaction means anything to me at this point. In fact, nothing u neither do nor say has an affect on me. I right to you in hopes of regaining the life I lost as a result of you. Though you disappeared early, and made excuses often, you took a big part of my life away. I’m not sure where to begin, with the emotional and physical abuse or the abandonment, do you care? Well I’m sure we can both agree that neither was beneficial to me and my development. So as I sit here writing, the memory of hits and yells and being told I wasn’t good enough floods my memory. I have an urge to cry but I don’t, cause I’m stronger then that. I am better then you, I always have been.
You have the audacity to say you’re my “father” but are u really? Princeton defines parent as: father or mother; one who begets or one who gives birth to or nurtures and raises a child; a relative who plays the role of guardian. Were you ever there to nurture or raise me? Did you ever play the role of guardian? Did you ever wipe a single tear from my face; teach me how to have healthy relationships with other men? And honestly if you have to think about the answer, I feel sorrier for you then I do myself. You were never my father; you never acted like a parent. As far as I am concerned you are just some man that haunts me.
By this point you should feel like shite, and miserable, and you should be angry. I want you to be, because these are all things you made me feel. Every forgotten phone call, broken promise, the lack of being there, the lack of just being a courteous human. I don’t want any apologies, any reasoning, nothing. You deserve nothing from me, and you actions have more then spoken for you. Do you realize how hard my life has been, how many times I have sat up crying, wondering why I cant do anything right, why no one likes me, why when I find the boy I care about I fuck that up as fast as I can. This is because of you, because I didn’t have dad around. He was too busy; he was so fucking far away. NO you weren’t. You were never to far away, you were never to busy, you just didn’t care. I don’t think you ever did, and to be honest I feel more foolish for caring about you now, then I did when I was younger.
The amount of anger and frustration and hurt I feel, is not nearly justified in this letter. No words could ever express how much I hate you, how much I wish to never know of your existence. I suppose the only thing that could possibly semi justify how I feel is this little poem:
From You to Me
one day, when I am much older and perhaps much wiser, I will talk to you, I will tell you how much you hurt me, broke me in sprit and heart, disserted me when I needed u the most, killed my life, and forever damaged my perception. I will look u dead in the eye and recall my painful experiences from sexual to mental, how I found pleasure in inflicting pain. I will tell you how violent and angry I was, how when someone else was in pain, I couldn't help but laugh, when someone else died, I felt nothing, how I held the world in contempt and blamed those around me for your actions. I will cry and scream, not out of pain, but unbearable anger when I speak of the many nits where I bargained from early death to my soul for you to be in my life, for you to be there when I was home, to talk to me as me, not who u thought I should be. I will stop and stand, showing u I am power, as I scream at you for all the things I lost, all the things ill never have, how everyday life reminds how u made it so hard, how even though I am not dead, this weight I bear kills me slowly as u do, how I can never say what I really feel, and distrust and cause destruction. You will learn of my friends: misery and sorrow, the only two in a long ling of friends that have remained constant through this ever-changing being, who as far as I'm concerned I gave up a long time ago. You will learn I have no ambition to marry or conceive, for great fear of being you. I am not there for explanations, your decision not to try is enough, and I shall not ask for apologies, only God can forgive you, I can not. When I am finished, simply I will turn my back as you have (like father, like daughter right?) hopes that makes you proud....
I thought I’d say hi dad, thanks for breaking me...
I don’t care of your reaction, weather you hate me, loathe me, or feel sorry. The only person at this point, capable of forgiving you is God. Make your peace with him. I am writing this letter because I am finished; I want nothing more to do with you. As far as I am concerned, you left me long before I decided to be done with you. This is a goodbye, I am not your daughter, and you were never my father.
Sincerely and free
Melissa Harris