(no subject)
sometimes i just sit on my bed and i want to burn out all the stars. every single one. i just want it to be totally dark, not being able to see anything. maybe time will stop. maybe everything will stop just for a fucking second. im so messed up right now. i want to be something more than i am. i want to be something great. i have these unrealistic dreams that i dont even know why i bother chasing them. i just want to die with something to my name, not just a fucking picture to a name. i want die knowing i did something great, something different. im so sick of this ordinary shit and if i could get out of this town, i would, but i cant. im trapped here, im cagged in. but odds are i need to get these thoughts out of my head before i do something stupid before i hurt anyone anymore than i already did. i'm selfish and its ridilicious because i care so much about the people close to me, so i guess i'm kinda contradicting myself twenty-four seven. i love randy more than life its self and i know what we have is something so different than anything because i feel it. i know it. but i cant keep on going hurting him. i dont want to hurt him. i dont want to be up on the phone with him for hours late at night crying anymore. i love when he smiles its the most genunine thing, ugh, tears are just filling my eyes right now, his smile. i cant describe it in words i cant describe it in actions. it just does something to me and i would never want to lose that. but he tells me sometimes that i hurt him and sometimes i can just tell that i hurt him. and i think to myself "what the FUCK are you doing" and i dont know, i honestly dont know. he could probably get someone better than me that would never hurt him like i do and just knowing that kills me, that there is probably someone out there who is better for him than me. it kills me, because hes the best thing i have ever had. i was reading the entry i had when i almost lost him back in like feburary. i fucked up before and im still fucking up, i mean how many chances has he giving me, and i cant get any of them right. ahh this is really long.