"my reality is black and white"
guess whos back... guess whos made their unwanted return
the bottomless pit of depression
yes folks thats right
i feel no purpose for existence anymore. the only person i can really truly 100% count on and talk to is chris.. but hes got so much to deal with that i feel like a selfish bitch putting my shit on him. i have no one. im drowning and i see no way out. i find myself contemplating death more and more everyday. the fact that i was so close to release from this just to be pulled right back in is disheartening, discouraging, and makes me feel utterly hopeless. i try to sleep as much as i can to avoid the cruelest dream... reality. my stomache turns when i wake up to another day. if it wer possible i would never leave my bed. nothing can harm me there. its my safe haven. sometimes i find myself fozen with sadness. i physically cant move. i cry to the point where i get sick. i take much more than the amount of prozac i am supposed to in the hopes that maybe its all in my head. maybe it is and im just crazy. maybe it is and my medicine isnt working, or maybe im just hopeless. i have a steal anchor tied to my feet. im going no where in life. i revert to pain killers and alcohol to make things seem funny again just so i can smile. but i know that smile is fake. and so is that sense of happiness that comes with it. i want to be someone else. i want to be 6 again. i want to worry about recess and what my mom packed in my lunch today instead of worrying about whether my best friend is going to die or whether or not my family will have enough money to keep our house or have food on the table. i dont want sympathy. i want reconstruction. i want things to be good. i wanna die...
the bottomless pit of depression
yes folks thats right
i feel no purpose for existence anymore. the only person i can really truly 100% count on and talk to is chris.. but hes got so much to deal with that i feel like a selfish bitch putting my shit on him. i have no one. im drowning and i see no way out. i find myself contemplating death more and more everyday. the fact that i was so close to release from this just to be pulled right back in is disheartening, discouraging, and makes me feel utterly hopeless. i try to sleep as much as i can to avoid the cruelest dream... reality. my stomache turns when i wake up to another day. if it wer possible i would never leave my bed. nothing can harm me there. its my safe haven. sometimes i find myself fozen with sadness. i physically cant move. i cry to the point where i get sick. i take much more than the amount of prozac i am supposed to in the hopes that maybe its all in my head. maybe it is and im just crazy. maybe it is and my medicine isnt working, or maybe im just hopeless. i have a steal anchor tied to my feet. im going no where in life. i revert to pain killers and alcohol to make things seem funny again just so i can smile. but i know that smile is fake. and so is that sense of happiness that comes with it. i want to be someone else. i want to be 6 again. i want to worry about recess and what my mom packed in my lunch today instead of worrying about whether my best friend is going to die or whether or not my family will have enough money to keep our house or have food on the table. i dont want sympathy. i want reconstruction. i want things to be good. i wanna die...