(no subject)
i miss him
i know i shouldn't
i know it's bad for me
i know it's a terrible idea
i know how much he hurt me
i know that it wouldn't work out
i know how it'd end
i know that i shouldn't even be having these thought right now
i know he's an asshole
i know i can do "better"
i know he's probally moved on completely
i know this is so dumb
but i miss him so much.
all the good times.
every touch.
the kisses.
the good hugs.
hand holding.
drives in his car.
laughs.
deep disscusions that shut me up.
cuddling in his bed.
...feeling loved.
i hate this time of the year.
not the holiday spirit.
but the loneliness.
the realization that i'm another year older and still not the least bit happy with my life.
the fact that i'm alone.
not just in a relationship sense.
but i don't even have my friends and family with me.
me and lily watched eternal sunshine yesterday. and we were talking about if we'd erase the guys in our lives if we had the chance. and my immediate reaction was to say yeah, definately. because he hurt me so bad. i'm still hurt over everything that's happened. but then when i removed myself from all that and thought about it. idk if i would erase everything. all the good stuff too. because that was almost 2 years of my life. and dispite all the insecurity and the drama, things were good. i cared about him more than anyone else ever before. and i'm pretty sure he cared about me a lot too. part of me hopes he still does. even though i doubt it, especially because he didn't even wish me a happy birthday. i actually wonder if he even knew it was my birthday. that's besides the point. the fact is. i don't regret anything from the relationship. what could i have done differently? not gotten back with him so many times? fuck that. starting things back up again was always the best part.
idk. for the past 2 months or so i've been so scared that when i'd be home i'd run into him and things would start again. and i kept telling myslef not to let that happen. to resist. but this time, i don't even think i'll be given an opportunity to resist. i think things are actually completely over. like for good. and i know that's what i should want. i know that's even what i've said i've wanted. but it's not. i mean, i definately didn't think it'd come to him not wanting to be with me. i didn't think things would be out of my control this much.
i just want to go back. to the start of everything. before i met him. or to the night we met. and i want to tell myself to stay away. like in the butterfly effect. because i really do think everything with him has caused me more pain and upset than anything else.
it's still causing me pain and upset.
so then why the fuck do i miss him?
why do i want more than anything to be in his bed, in his arms.
i'm a mess of a person.
i know i shouldn't
i know it's bad for me
i know it's a terrible idea
i know how much he hurt me
i know that it wouldn't work out
i know how it'd end
i know that i shouldn't even be having these thought right now
i know he's an asshole
i know i can do "better"
i know he's probally moved on completely
i know this is so dumb
but i miss him so much.
all the good times.
every touch.
the kisses.
the good hugs.
hand holding.
drives in his car.
laughs.
deep disscusions that shut me up.
cuddling in his bed.
...feeling loved.
i hate this time of the year.
not the holiday spirit.
but the loneliness.
the realization that i'm another year older and still not the least bit happy with my life.
the fact that i'm alone.
not just in a relationship sense.
but i don't even have my friends and family with me.
me and lily watched eternal sunshine yesterday. and we were talking about if we'd erase the guys in our lives if we had the chance. and my immediate reaction was to say yeah, definately. because he hurt me so bad. i'm still hurt over everything that's happened. but then when i removed myself from all that and thought about it. idk if i would erase everything. all the good stuff too. because that was almost 2 years of my life. and dispite all the insecurity and the drama, things were good. i cared about him more than anyone else ever before. and i'm pretty sure he cared about me a lot too. part of me hopes he still does. even though i doubt it, especially because he didn't even wish me a happy birthday. i actually wonder if he even knew it was my birthday. that's besides the point. the fact is. i don't regret anything from the relationship. what could i have done differently? not gotten back with him so many times? fuck that. starting things back up again was always the best part.
idk. for the past 2 months or so i've been so scared that when i'd be home i'd run into him and things would start again. and i kept telling myslef not to let that happen. to resist. but this time, i don't even think i'll be given an opportunity to resist. i think things are actually completely over. like for good. and i know that's what i should want. i know that's even what i've said i've wanted. but it's not. i mean, i definately didn't think it'd come to him not wanting to be with me. i didn't think things would be out of my control this much.
i just want to go back. to the start of everything. before i met him. or to the night we met. and i want to tell myself to stay away. like in the butterfly effect. because i really do think everything with him has caused me more pain and upset than anything else.
it's still causing me pain and upset.
so then why the fuck do i miss him?
why do i want more than anything to be in his bed, in his arms.
i'm a mess of a person.