(no subject)
i haven't written anything in here in a long time. maybe it's because i've lost that ability to express myself the way i used to, or maybe it's because i'm too busy living life to sit around and document it. in any event. life has been a mess lately. don't get me wrong. i love my friends and i love the way i'm living my life. but something just feels like it's missing. i guess it always has. and even when i'm too busy to notice it, it's still vaccant. maybe it's normal. maybe everyone's like this. maybe i'm not supposed to feel complete yet. i truely don't know. all i know is that part of me feels empty. as much as i try not to be jaded, i am. i miss so many people, yet i could never say that to them. i miss the way things were, yet i'm sensible enough to know that there is no possible way to go back to the way things used to be. even if we tried. we're just different people now. and i think that's what hurts me the most. i mean, you invest all this time and energy into a person. into making a relationship with them. and then out of the blue one day everything's different. everythings shit and there's no way to fix it. all you can really do is move on and accept it. but i can't accept it. i can't just forget about a person who meant so much to me. someone who i didn't need to say anything to for them to know what i was thinking. someone who would just let me cry for hours and not think less of me for it. i miss that stuff. i miss the familiarity. because now even if i wanted i couldn't know that person. they are nothing more than a memory to me. and to think. in a few years, and even a few months, most people will only be a memory. i'll reminisce about all the times we had together. but that'll be it. i'm terrified of that. i'm terrified of living in the past forever.
and especially now. with less then a month before i leave. there's so many things i still need to do. so many things i wish i could say. but i know i can't, and i know i won't. i just feel like this month is so hard to get through. because it's like a waste of time in my life. all i'm thinking about is what will be in another moneth, but so much is happeneing around me right now. so many thinkgs i want to stick around for. so many things i want to develop. but how could they. nothing that starts now can be taken seriously. even though i want it to be.
i'm just scared there's not enough time. and it'll always be like this. i really hope it isn't always like this.
and especially now. with less then a month before i leave. there's so many things i still need to do. so many things i wish i could say. but i know i can't, and i know i won't. i just feel like this month is so hard to get through. because it's like a waste of time in my life. all i'm thinking about is what will be in another moneth, but so much is happeneing around me right now. so many thinkgs i want to stick around for. so many things i want to develop. but how could they. nothing that starts now can be taken seriously. even though i want it to be.
i'm just scared there's not enough time. and it'll always be like this. i really hope it isn't always like this.