(no subject)
ive been feeling better about school. and everything. im glad. cause for a few weeks at least i was really not feeling like being in school.
im pretty happy with how most things are going right now. im happy my roommates are leaving in a few monthes and that i have good roommates for next year. im happy i got another chance where i thought i fucked up. im happy school is over in 3 weeks and that it is may. im glad im able to focus on what is making me feel pretty good right now rather than the one thing that makes me sad. it's kind of sad that my dad doesnt want to see me because of things that happened or were said when i was about nine years old. i feel stupid for calling him and trying to see him and trying to make things okay with him again for however long iv been doing that for. because i guess he finally finally figured he should stop pretending to be busy and just be straight up with me and tell me why we shouldnt hang out. apparantly because "i dont like him and i have accept the fact that i dont want him as my dad" and i kept on calling him and making a fool of myself by making an effort to see him because "i feel guilty so i have to call him" or i "got sick of my white father so now im trying to call him". i have no obligation to him, i could have just left shit as it is but obviously that is not what i wanted to do. i dont have SHIT to feel guilty for, i dont owe him anything. but i love him still and THATs the reason i was trying to see him. not because i got sick of some 'white father' that i never had, not because i feel guilty for him leaving. that shit is just so stupid. and i want to be like fuck it whatever just fuck him i dont even care. but i cant even do that anymore.
so it sucks.
im pretty happy with how most things are going right now. im happy my roommates are leaving in a few monthes and that i have good roommates for next year. im happy i got another chance where i thought i fucked up. im happy school is over in 3 weeks and that it is may. im glad im able to focus on what is making me feel pretty good right now rather than the one thing that makes me sad. it's kind of sad that my dad doesnt want to see me because of things that happened or were said when i was about nine years old. i feel stupid for calling him and trying to see him and trying to make things okay with him again for however long iv been doing that for. because i guess he finally finally figured he should stop pretending to be busy and just be straight up with me and tell me why we shouldnt hang out. apparantly because "i dont like him and i have accept the fact that i dont want him as my dad" and i kept on calling him and making a fool of myself by making an effort to see him because "i feel guilty so i have to call him" or i "got sick of my white father so now im trying to call him". i have no obligation to him, i could have just left shit as it is but obviously that is not what i wanted to do. i dont have SHIT to feel guilty for, i dont owe him anything. but i love him still and THATs the reason i was trying to see him. not because i got sick of some 'white father' that i never had, not because i feel guilty for him leaving. that shit is just so stupid. and i want to be like fuck it whatever just fuck him i dont even care. but i cant even do that anymore.
so it sucks.