Life is a waterfall...
It's amazing what a few months or a year will do to a person isn't it? Correct me if I'm wrong but a friend is someone who won't turn their back on you, lie to you, or ignore you because they think it's so fucking cool to drink 6 out of 7 days. Well if I'm wrong then I must be doing some shit wrong...because at least 4 people have done that to me since graduation. I don't know if it's just me, but people that only talk to you or come see you when they need or want something aren't considered friends in my book. I won't mention any names, but I'm sure they know who they are...mainly because I know they read this shit...but never talk to me. Well hats off to you ignorant assholes, because you have successfully been added to my shit list. Something that really pisses me off is peoples arrogance. To tell you the truth, you aren't any better than me...to be honest...you are lower than me. At least I don't have to lie to make myself feel better...or at least I don't have to make new friends all the time because I fucked all my old friends over and they now hate me. I don't understand how some people can live with themselves knowing everything they are is a lie. All through high school...changing who they are just to fit in with someone else. Thats pretty damn pathetic if you ask me. What's even worse, is ditching all their friends so it doesn't look like they 'associate' with the original friends...aka their REAL friends...people who WOULD HAVE done anything for them. I hope you realize you fucked yourselves over...I don't care how much you beg...how hurt you are...I don't even fucking care if you're dying...don't come crawling back to me. Fuck you all...I hope you are happy with your new lives, new friends, new bfs, and the fact that you have to live with the guilt of fucking over the people who cared about you for the rest of your short miserable lives.
I don't think I have changed that much since I graduated...I try to hang out with all my friends (well those who haven't turned their backs on me for new friends at college) *ahem* anyway, have I really changed? Perhaps I've become more blatent with my feelings. If I don't like you I will fucking say it, if I don't like something you did...I will tell you, and if you fucked me over somehow...I will tell you. I can admit I've become more open with who I am...I don't bottle up my emotions as much. Perhaps thats because I'm full and can't hold anything else in...but oh well. But seriously...if I have changed drastically...or even a little, could you please tell me. I would like to improve myself as a person. I suppose you could call this soul searching or what not...but I would really just like to find out if I need to really improve anything about myself. There are times I find myself to be a horrible person and other times where I find myself to be to caring...I would like to get other peoples opinions and outlooks on how I could improve my personality.
God...sometime this summer everyone should get together and do something. Perhaps a day trip of some sort. Of course this would be me and like 10 other people because no one ever has time or has off...I'd really enjoy just having everyone together in one place. Everyone let me know...perhaps we can all make some sort of plans.
Life just isn't what it used to be...I remember before I didn't have a worry in the world...but now my future can be determined in 5 minutes. It's quite scary to be truthful...I don't know what I want to do yet and I'm almost done in college. I don't even know if what I'm going for is what I would like to do...god...I changed my mind about 10 times before I said fuck it and went for Surgical Technology. At first it was an fine arts college in New York...which I wish I had been able to go to. Then there was a fine arts college in Pittsburgh...wouldn't have been to bad...except I wouldn't want to live there alone. Third...there was and still is PIMS (Pittsburgh Institute of Mortuary Sciences). That is my ambition after I graduate from Mount Aloysius...I want to go for mortuary sciences...then possibly work up into other fields. Problem with that is I refuse to move to Pittsburgh alone...yeah I know...I could meet new people. But to be honest...Pittsburgh scares the shit out of me. I'm not used to big cities like that...hell I get lost somewhere I've lived for 19 years let alone somewhere 20 times the size of Altoona...and about 100x's more confusing. I think sometime in the fall I will begin looking for apartments in Pittsburgh and see how much it will be a month. If anyone wants to move with me, I'd be glad to have a roomate. I know I've dicussed this with some people (one which I would love to have as my roomy <3) but just let me know.
This is exactly what happens when you sit there telling yourself you will do your work and end up just thinking about stupid shit. Then the stupid shit pisses you off and you have nothing to do but vent it somewhere...and try not to take it out on anyone. Speaking of...I know you are all getting sick of me bitching about my father (this is the last thing I promise)...but I'm actually glad he may be moving to Texas...thing is if he does decide to move...he best get a fucking divorce before hand. Because until they divorce...everything my mom has...goes to him. Thus all MY shit goes to him...which he would just sell it anyway. I know what you're thinking "He wouldn't leave his daughter without a home would he?" Answer is simple...yes, yes he would. He also wouldn't help me with a damned thing. I mean he hasn't for 10 years...what would make him start now or anytime in the future? Oh well...I give up.
I'm done bitching and ranting now...I'm sorry for wasting all of your time with my pointless words.
Wait...I will say one good thing about everything. I have found out who my true friends are, I wouldn't trade them for anything. I can also finally say...I'm truly happy. All I have to do is think about what it is that makes me happy...and everything else goes away. I thank you for making me this happy <3 I love you.
Goodnight all.