Love.and pain.
My mind keeps bouncing between time and space. Love and hatred. Pain and happiness.
I'm happiest when i am around kyle. nothing else in the world seems to matter, just the time i share with him makes me feel like theres nothing else bad in the world. just me, and him, and im happy. joyous, even. It makes me want to cry sometimes because he knows how i feel and i know how he feels but we both know that we couldnt even begin to venture into that unknown territory for fear of the pain and suffering that would follow shortly thereafter. And while a part of me wants to be with him so much, a part of me shies away from the beauty and innocence that is Kyle, And the pain i will feel at the loss of him... the loss of his touch, his voice in my ear, his warmth, his energy... I want to always be his, forever and forever. Beyond forever. My heart is his no matter what we say to each other, and theres nothing i can do to make that go away. I hope he doesnt feel that way about me, because... I am undeserving of his heart. He holds so much power in his body, and i have nothing but covered up empathy and emotion reading abilities. His explosive abilities just make me want to hide away, as if i feared him in some way or another. I am beyond glad that i met him, yet in total anguish at the sight of him, because i know that it will be a long time until i see him again after these three months of torture. I must make the best of it, and spend as much time as i can with him to keep good memories and feelings of him in my mind.
-I will be the answer, at the end of the line
-I will be there for you, while you take the time
-In the burning of uncertanty, i will be your solid ground
-I will hold the balance, if you get knocked down
-If it takes my whole life, i wont break i wont bend
-It'll all be worth it, worth it in the end
-Cause i can only tell you what i know
-That i need you in my life, when the stars have all gone out,
-You'll still be burning so bright...
-Cast me gently into morning, for the night has been unkind...
I feel like this more and more often now, like theres nothing better for my mind to do except do its damndest to make me feel like shit. I never thought i would find such happiness in one sentient being, such perfection in one simple being, but i have, and to have it thrust away from me like an old habit is the most horrible thing i could think of. Maybe thats why im always drinking, and doing what little drugs i have contact with. to make the pain of separation go away. I didnt start smoking until i knew for certain i was moving back. Its so hard to handle this, what can i say? what can i do? I want to make myself feel better, but my heart is slowly tearing itself apart. I know i cant stay, i have to go, but i want to go with him, but i dont want to be with him because i feel like perhaps i would be a burden upon his life, holding him down to the past while his mind and soul strain for the future. When i lay myself down to sleep, sometimes i feel that his spirit is sleeping next to me, holding me tightly as if i were about to fall, and keeping me safe until the morning comes, and i awaken, and hes gone, and im alone in my cold empty bed. Is this what love is? true, deep love? A love that cannot be broken, yet causes so much pain that its hard to stand? I never want this feeling to go away, and yet, i cant keep it in my heart for fear it will burst with ache.
I never want to say anything to him, because i dont want to bring him down, i dont want him to feel held away from the life he should be living, one without me hiding in his shadow, keeping him with me so i dont have to deal with the pain myself... Im always asking so much without giving much in return, keeping all i can reach for yet presenting nothing in thanks. i have become so selfish when it comes to him, cold and uncaring to those around me except for the bubble i share with my feelings for him... when he steps inside it, all i can think about is him and how much i want to be with him and how wonderful i feel when im around him. God i hope this isnt love, it hurts so much, yet feels so wonderful, i dont want this, and yet i need it to survive. It all happened so suddenly. It began with playful lust, nothing serious, just touching for laughs and pecks in view of friendship, but now, it feels like its transcended anything remotely close to that playful, friendly touching of fun. Ive grown accustomed to him being there. Every day i hear his voice or see his face, feel his warmth, his energy, and im whole again, but once hes gone, its gone, im empty again. I need to make it go away, i need to stop feeling like this even though i dont want to, and i just want to have life work out the way it should... which is what its doing. Life cant stop because of a simple crush or a free-floating emotion that can hardly be controlled.
i still smell like him, and it fills me with comfort.
i still feel his kisses, and it makes me feel warm.
and all i want is him.
I'm happiest when i am around kyle. nothing else in the world seems to matter, just the time i share with him makes me feel like theres nothing else bad in the world. just me, and him, and im happy. joyous, even. It makes me want to cry sometimes because he knows how i feel and i know how he feels but we both know that we couldnt even begin to venture into that unknown territory for fear of the pain and suffering that would follow shortly thereafter. And while a part of me wants to be with him so much, a part of me shies away from the beauty and innocence that is Kyle, And the pain i will feel at the loss of him... the loss of his touch, his voice in my ear, his warmth, his energy... I want to always be his, forever and forever. Beyond forever. My heart is his no matter what we say to each other, and theres nothing i can do to make that go away. I hope he doesnt feel that way about me, because... I am undeserving of his heart. He holds so much power in his body, and i have nothing but covered up empathy and emotion reading abilities. His explosive abilities just make me want to hide away, as if i feared him in some way or another. I am beyond glad that i met him, yet in total anguish at the sight of him, because i know that it will be a long time until i see him again after these three months of torture. I must make the best of it, and spend as much time as i can with him to keep good memories and feelings of him in my mind.
-I will be the answer, at the end of the line
-I will be there for you, while you take the time
-In the burning of uncertanty, i will be your solid ground
-I will hold the balance, if you get knocked down
-If it takes my whole life, i wont break i wont bend
-It'll all be worth it, worth it in the end
-Cause i can only tell you what i know
-That i need you in my life, when the stars have all gone out,
-You'll still be burning so bright...
-Cast me gently into morning, for the night has been unkind...
I feel like this more and more often now, like theres nothing better for my mind to do except do its damndest to make me feel like shit. I never thought i would find such happiness in one sentient being, such perfection in one simple being, but i have, and to have it thrust away from me like an old habit is the most horrible thing i could think of. Maybe thats why im always drinking, and doing what little drugs i have contact with. to make the pain of separation go away. I didnt start smoking until i knew for certain i was moving back. Its so hard to handle this, what can i say? what can i do? I want to make myself feel better, but my heart is slowly tearing itself apart. I know i cant stay, i have to go, but i want to go with him, but i dont want to be with him because i feel like perhaps i would be a burden upon his life, holding him down to the past while his mind and soul strain for the future. When i lay myself down to sleep, sometimes i feel that his spirit is sleeping next to me, holding me tightly as if i were about to fall, and keeping me safe until the morning comes, and i awaken, and hes gone, and im alone in my cold empty bed. Is this what love is? true, deep love? A love that cannot be broken, yet causes so much pain that its hard to stand? I never want this feeling to go away, and yet, i cant keep it in my heart for fear it will burst with ache.
I never want to say anything to him, because i dont want to bring him down, i dont want him to feel held away from the life he should be living, one without me hiding in his shadow, keeping him with me so i dont have to deal with the pain myself... Im always asking so much without giving much in return, keeping all i can reach for yet presenting nothing in thanks. i have become so selfish when it comes to him, cold and uncaring to those around me except for the bubble i share with my feelings for him... when he steps inside it, all i can think about is him and how much i want to be with him and how wonderful i feel when im around him. God i hope this isnt love, it hurts so much, yet feels so wonderful, i dont want this, and yet i need it to survive. It all happened so suddenly. It began with playful lust, nothing serious, just touching for laughs and pecks in view of friendship, but now, it feels like its transcended anything remotely close to that playful, friendly touching of fun. Ive grown accustomed to him being there. Every day i hear his voice or see his face, feel his warmth, his energy, and im whole again, but once hes gone, its gone, im empty again. I need to make it go away, i need to stop feeling like this even though i dont want to, and i just want to have life work out the way it should... which is what its doing. Life cant stop because of a simple crush or a free-floating emotion that can hardly be controlled.
i still smell like him, and it fills me with comfort.
i still feel his kisses, and it makes me feel warm.
and all i want is him.