Gay for Gattsu
Fuck...I can't write shit. I'm not deleting anything this time. So deal if it sucks.
"Why don't you just look at me?" The voice, that voice, so kind-cruel-bad-good. Fuck her. Fuck everything. Standing up and moving toward the door, a growl escaped to find it locked. Fingers scrabble at the twist of metal, sweat making the job harder as the darkness pressed in closer and closer, bringing whispers of dark promises.
"Because I hate you." That was simple enough to say, too bad it was just a mutter barely beneath the breath, never to be heard except in one's own mind. The door finally opened and escape was made into the hallway, where more darkness reigned. At least it was away from the bitch. Picking up a belt from the hallway floor, it was slung through the loops of baggy jeans, the last resort to holding them up. No hips, no ass...made fitting the lower body harder. Socked feet make their way down the hall as the sound of a girl dressing comes from the room, door still open. There was not enough light, and with quickening breath, the attempt to calm down was quickly failing. Scrabbling with the lock on the outer door, a forehead pressed itself against the cool false wood to halt tears from falling. There was no reason for fear, it was just dark. There was nothing creeping about, no demons wishing to feed...but there was no way to stop the fear and crying never helped.
The door opened and the porch light flicked on, inducing a wince. It was motion sensitive, but now that it was on, the evil had been pushed back to a safe radius. At least until feet carried body out of that safety and towards the little car, shitty only from the inside. Car keys jingle as they are flipped out of a pocket, ringed fingers clinking against metal as the key slams into the hole and twists once to the right. The door opens and just as hatted head is ducked to enter, that damn voice calls again.
"Where are you going? It's late, cold and you don't expect to be able to go home, do you?"
Blue eyes look up to the source, a whiteskinned, shorthaired bitch standing in the ring of light. A curt shake of the head and a hand raises, one finger crooking up and straight, aroused to activity. "Fuck you." The car door slammed, the car was started and gravel flipped and ground as the car whipped out of the driveway and off into the night.
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"You always come here, you know." She wouldn't pick up on the fact that someone's insides were squirming with an odd sick feeling, that someone's heart had already been broken and that teasing was bullshit, someone was a little upset. Blue-eyes look up, hat bill keeping them in shadow, though there was plenty of that to go around.
"Leave me alone." The mutter was heard, and a tongue clicked against the roof of a mouth, her mouth. The mouth she had refused access to. The mouth he wanted to punch and stab and...a deep breath releases itself.
"I won't. You need to tell me what's wrong. I love you."
"Oh." A scoff, that no doubt helped, "You love me. Do you know how many times you've said that? You just think that you can..." Mutters finished, inaudible even to the mind. A hand stretches out in the darkness, settles against jeaned thigh. Blue-eyes stands and moves higher up on the giant playtoy, swallowing back rage. Temper had never been something easily controlled, though it was easily distracted. Temper had caused a lot of pain, and that pain had been more than physical.
"Why won't you let me help you?" Footsteps in the darkness motioned that she followed. She only did when she wanted something, this was no different. There was nothing to it unless there was a prize for her. Just because that direction couldn't be figured out quite yet didn't mean it was true yet again.
"Look...I don't need you. You don't need me. Fucking just leave it, okay?" She was probably going to cry, but care had passed for tears. That was her strongest tactic and it wouldn't work tonight. "All you ever do is think of yourself, and I'm sick of it."
"Babe...I'm thinking of you right now, haven't I showed that by coming back even when I was told not to by friends, family...everyone?" Blue-eyes just scoffed again.
"Fuck you."
"Don't say that to me."
"I just did. Why don't you try hitting me? Maybe I'll shape up then. I'm not some toy, you know." Blue-eyes stray out over the rest of the child's playground, wishing it all could go back to who could run faster, kick harder and jump farther.
"I only did that because you wouldn't stop."
"You should tell me when you are going to start the motor and then just let the car run out of gas in the garage." Another scoff, this one quieter, passed through the air.
She was getting closer, moving slower, but still coming closer. She just didn't get that the return offer was all or nothing. There was no halfway, there was no compromise. Both sides had an idea of what they wanted and neither side wanted the same thing. "You want me to worship you, but you don't get it. Immortals give back to their servants when they receive. Karma - give what you get. I'm only giving what I've been getting."
"I'm sorry."
"That makes up for a whole eternity of my pain, thanks."
Silence stretched on forever, the corridors of darkness absorbing it all, passing the time at half it's regular speed. She was thinking of a way to turn this back to her, to put the blame off of her, to claim her own pain, to claim that she never hurt the other, that she was free of guilt. She was the only one to be held with guilt. Blue-eyes had never been disloyal, had never lied, had never left without a word. Blue-eyes had always been on the other end of the line, had always been willing to serve, had PROVED love. She had proved lust, want and desire. Then she had expressed guilt, repented and moved on. Now her urges had come back and she wanted control over her pet. That wasn't about to happen. Fuck her.
"You know..."
"Shut up. I'm sick of listening, I've done that much too often. You listen to me. Anything you think I did to you, I didn't. You did it to yourself. I always asked permission. I never forced you to do what you did. I would have walked out before that first night if I didn't catch those hints from you. So fuck you. You think this is my fault, go on thinking that, but I won't ever forgive you if you think you can push this on me." That was certainly the longest little speech that had been given in all seriousness for over a year...the last had belonged to her too, but it had been a bit more positive.
"Don't talk to me like that. I helped you. I can still help you. That's all I ever do is help people. I love too much, I think I can fix people, but I can't. I tried to fix you, but I only ended up letting you hurt me."
"I NEVER hurt you! Don't you fucking get it? You don't hurt people you love! I love you, I would never hurt you! You can't see that. If this isn't going to work for you, why don't you just fucking leave? I hate this game. You think you can do this to me, but you can't. I'll be gone next, far away, and you'll never hear from me again..." Swallowing back the anger and turning back around, a hand slapped itself over those blue eyes and slid down, a long breath escaping at the same time.
"You hate me, don't you? You say you love me but you really hate me, and you want to hurt me more because you think I did bad to you. It wasn't my choice to leave, don't you see? I had to, I was told to!"
"You'll never get it. Free choice, that's what it's all about. I've used mine, and yeah, I've gotten into trouble with it a little... But you always have a choice. You didn't try once. You just...stopped. Cut me off, like I was a diseased limb you needed to amputate." She opened her mouth, but more words were coming to forestall her. "You want me to say I hate you? I do...but at the same time and with the same intensity that I still love you, that I still can't stop thinking about you. I wish I could just not care, that I could stop thinking about you at all. Hating you wouldn't be the bad thing, you bitch."
"Don't call me that."
"Fuck off." And then the slide down was taken and a run was made for the car. She didn't follow then, even when the car was started and driven off out of the parking lot. She was still just sitting there, staring past everything, but once the lights of the car were gone, who knows what she did. Unluckily, death was too good for her.
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I hate my memories. I hate them so much. I guess I do have regrets...and self-hate is the worst hate, even when it's only occasionally.
.me.
"Why don't you just look at me?" The voice, that voice, so kind-cruel-bad-good. Fuck her. Fuck everything. Standing up and moving toward the door, a growl escaped to find it locked. Fingers scrabble at the twist of metal, sweat making the job harder as the darkness pressed in closer and closer, bringing whispers of dark promises.
"Because I hate you." That was simple enough to say, too bad it was just a mutter barely beneath the breath, never to be heard except in one's own mind. The door finally opened and escape was made into the hallway, where more darkness reigned. At least it was away from the bitch. Picking up a belt from the hallway floor, it was slung through the loops of baggy jeans, the last resort to holding them up. No hips, no ass...made fitting the lower body harder. Socked feet make their way down the hall as the sound of a girl dressing comes from the room, door still open. There was not enough light, and with quickening breath, the attempt to calm down was quickly failing. Scrabbling with the lock on the outer door, a forehead pressed itself against the cool false wood to halt tears from falling. There was no reason for fear, it was just dark. There was nothing creeping about, no demons wishing to feed...but there was no way to stop the fear and crying never helped.
The door opened and the porch light flicked on, inducing a wince. It was motion sensitive, but now that it was on, the evil had been pushed back to a safe radius. At least until feet carried body out of that safety and towards the little car, shitty only from the inside. Car keys jingle as they are flipped out of a pocket, ringed fingers clinking against metal as the key slams into the hole and twists once to the right. The door opens and just as hatted head is ducked to enter, that damn voice calls again.
"Where are you going? It's late, cold and you don't expect to be able to go home, do you?"
Blue eyes look up to the source, a whiteskinned, shorthaired bitch standing in the ring of light. A curt shake of the head and a hand raises, one finger crooking up and straight, aroused to activity. "Fuck you." The car door slammed, the car was started and gravel flipped and ground as the car whipped out of the driveway and off into the night.
-----
-----
"You always come here, you know." She wouldn't pick up on the fact that someone's insides were squirming with an odd sick feeling, that someone's heart had already been broken and that teasing was bullshit, someone was a little upset. Blue-eyes look up, hat bill keeping them in shadow, though there was plenty of that to go around.
"Leave me alone." The mutter was heard, and a tongue clicked against the roof of a mouth, her mouth. The mouth she had refused access to. The mouth he wanted to punch and stab and...a deep breath releases itself.
"I won't. You need to tell me what's wrong. I love you."
"Oh." A scoff, that no doubt helped, "You love me. Do you know how many times you've said that? You just think that you can..." Mutters finished, inaudible even to the mind. A hand stretches out in the darkness, settles against jeaned thigh. Blue-eyes stands and moves higher up on the giant playtoy, swallowing back rage. Temper had never been something easily controlled, though it was easily distracted. Temper had caused a lot of pain, and that pain had been more than physical.
"Why won't you let me help you?" Footsteps in the darkness motioned that she followed. She only did when she wanted something, this was no different. There was nothing to it unless there was a prize for her. Just because that direction couldn't be figured out quite yet didn't mean it was true yet again.
"Look...I don't need you. You don't need me. Fucking just leave it, okay?" She was probably going to cry, but care had passed for tears. That was her strongest tactic and it wouldn't work tonight. "All you ever do is think of yourself, and I'm sick of it."
"Babe...I'm thinking of you right now, haven't I showed that by coming back even when I was told not to by friends, family...everyone?" Blue-eyes just scoffed again.
"Fuck you."
"Don't say that to me."
"I just did. Why don't you try hitting me? Maybe I'll shape up then. I'm not some toy, you know." Blue-eyes stray out over the rest of the child's playground, wishing it all could go back to who could run faster, kick harder and jump farther.
"I only did that because you wouldn't stop."
"You should tell me when you are going to start the motor and then just let the car run out of gas in the garage." Another scoff, this one quieter, passed through the air.
She was getting closer, moving slower, but still coming closer. She just didn't get that the return offer was all or nothing. There was no halfway, there was no compromise. Both sides had an idea of what they wanted and neither side wanted the same thing. "You want me to worship you, but you don't get it. Immortals give back to their servants when they receive. Karma - give what you get. I'm only giving what I've been getting."
"I'm sorry."
"That makes up for a whole eternity of my pain, thanks."
Silence stretched on forever, the corridors of darkness absorbing it all, passing the time at half it's regular speed. She was thinking of a way to turn this back to her, to put the blame off of her, to claim her own pain, to claim that she never hurt the other, that she was free of guilt. She was the only one to be held with guilt. Blue-eyes had never been disloyal, had never lied, had never left without a word. Blue-eyes had always been on the other end of the line, had always been willing to serve, had PROVED love. She had proved lust, want and desire. Then she had expressed guilt, repented and moved on. Now her urges had come back and she wanted control over her pet. That wasn't about to happen. Fuck her.
"You know..."
"Shut up. I'm sick of listening, I've done that much too often. You listen to me. Anything you think I did to you, I didn't. You did it to yourself. I always asked permission. I never forced you to do what you did. I would have walked out before that first night if I didn't catch those hints from you. So fuck you. You think this is my fault, go on thinking that, but I won't ever forgive you if you think you can push this on me." That was certainly the longest little speech that had been given in all seriousness for over a year...the last had belonged to her too, but it had been a bit more positive.
"Don't talk to me like that. I helped you. I can still help you. That's all I ever do is help people. I love too much, I think I can fix people, but I can't. I tried to fix you, but I only ended up letting you hurt me."
"I NEVER hurt you! Don't you fucking get it? You don't hurt people you love! I love you, I would never hurt you! You can't see that. If this isn't going to work for you, why don't you just fucking leave? I hate this game. You think you can do this to me, but you can't. I'll be gone next, far away, and you'll never hear from me again..." Swallowing back the anger and turning back around, a hand slapped itself over those blue eyes and slid down, a long breath escaping at the same time.
"You hate me, don't you? You say you love me but you really hate me, and you want to hurt me more because you think I did bad to you. It wasn't my choice to leave, don't you see? I had to, I was told to!"
"You'll never get it. Free choice, that's what it's all about. I've used mine, and yeah, I've gotten into trouble with it a little... But you always have a choice. You didn't try once. You just...stopped. Cut me off, like I was a diseased limb you needed to amputate." She opened her mouth, but more words were coming to forestall her. "You want me to say I hate you? I do...but at the same time and with the same intensity that I still love you, that I still can't stop thinking about you. I wish I could just not care, that I could stop thinking about you at all. Hating you wouldn't be the bad thing, you bitch."
"Don't call me that."
"Fuck off." And then the slide down was taken and a run was made for the car. She didn't follow then, even when the car was started and driven off out of the parking lot. She was still just sitting there, staring past everything, but once the lights of the car were gone, who knows what she did. Unluckily, death was too good for her.
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I hate my memories. I hate them so much. I guess I do have regrets...and self-hate is the worst hate, even when it's only occasionally.
.me.