Welcome back...?
I assemble myself and wonder about my thoughts and sometimes wonder if im really happy. I think its been awhile where I feel like I am but I really am not. Sometimes I may be having a good time and feeling well but I think inside im not really happy....im just content. So then I think to myself....what is it that is in me that makes question as to whether I am happy or not?
.......I think I feel alone. I think that's what's been bugging me lately. I feel alone in terms of me having feelings for anyone in general or maybe its because I still lack alot of confidence in myself or something like that........I can't blame the past for making me who I am now but I certainly do know its been greatly affecting me now and for awhile it seems. I wonder if my mind frame is ok. Sometimes I tell myself im ok or dont worry about me ill be fine but I don't think I am alright. Sometimes I wonder who am I really close with and if im just "there" to most people. Sometimes I feel like a nothing...surpising I know but its like your somebody but my existence isn't really anybody.
To be quite honest, I think I just need to not be so shy or but wait....I dont think im shy but I just feel...crap.....I can't really think of anything now and now I feel blank....blah....this is a work in progress ahahaha. You know this is sad really...I think I know what's wrong with me but I don't even wanna write it down or in my case, type it for the fear of just exposing myself. Isn't that what a journal's for? Yeah I can lock the entry but maybe I should just face with it, with myself.
Ok here I go off with my random rantings and then I forget what I was orginally talking about or what I was thinking of prior. Im just tired and need rest and need to feel a change. I sometimes think of myself as to uptight and im to much of a loser to get a date or im just to weird to some people or just kinda oh.............yeah.....vincent.....i know him...yeah that's all. I think im just worried......I don't really tell anyone how I feel deep down inside and I think I will plan to keep it that way. Im more accustomed to helping others out rather then helping myself and its so cliche really, it bothers me but its a bit of the point.
You know I look at myself sometimes and just think of what a waste at times. Woah...did I just say that about myself? I wonder, where is my self-esteem and do I think I feel I have any self-worth and why would this matter whether I did or didn't? You know for one thing, I usually feel pretty worthless of a person cause of things that happened before. I thought I maybe grew out of it but I really do feel like crap. Some of the things I do I think I do them cause if i dont someone will succeed in being right about my self-worth....about my self-being....about me having any potential.....of me even being considered a person. Its odd really..I shouldn't feel this way about myself and oh well.....................*thinks*....................................................................................................................................................................ok im depressed and I just dont wanna say why I think that's it and I think ill be ok cause ive felt like this for awhile now and im just feeling all blah or maybe ill just get over how I feel or maybe im fine really and this is all a random mechanism of defense.
I think ill go now cause I dont think i wanna type anymore cause ill either spill out how I feel inside or maybe I just am tired or maybe I just dont wanna think about it....wait...ill be fine....really really....ill be fine
yeah....ill be fine......yeah or am I just lieing to myself?
.......I think I feel alone. I think that's what's been bugging me lately. I feel alone in terms of me having feelings for anyone in general or maybe its because I still lack alot of confidence in myself or something like that........I can't blame the past for making me who I am now but I certainly do know its been greatly affecting me now and for awhile it seems. I wonder if my mind frame is ok. Sometimes I tell myself im ok or dont worry about me ill be fine but I don't think I am alright. Sometimes I wonder who am I really close with and if im just "there" to most people. Sometimes I feel like a nothing...surpising I know but its like your somebody but my existence isn't really anybody.
To be quite honest, I think I just need to not be so shy or but wait....I dont think im shy but I just feel...crap.....I can't really think of anything now and now I feel blank....blah....this is a work in progress ahahaha. You know this is sad really...I think I know what's wrong with me but I don't even wanna write it down or in my case, type it for the fear of just exposing myself. Isn't that what a journal's for? Yeah I can lock the entry but maybe I should just face with it, with myself.
Ok here I go off with my random rantings and then I forget what I was orginally talking about or what I was thinking of prior. Im just tired and need rest and need to feel a change. I sometimes think of myself as to uptight and im to much of a loser to get a date or im just to weird to some people or just kinda oh.............yeah.....vincent.....i know him...yeah that's all. I think im just worried......I don't really tell anyone how I feel deep down inside and I think I will plan to keep it that way. Im more accustomed to helping others out rather then helping myself and its so cliche really, it bothers me but its a bit of the point.
You know I look at myself sometimes and just think of what a waste at times. Woah...did I just say that about myself? I wonder, where is my self-esteem and do I think I feel I have any self-worth and why would this matter whether I did or didn't? You know for one thing, I usually feel pretty worthless of a person cause of things that happened before. I thought I maybe grew out of it but I really do feel like crap. Some of the things I do I think I do them cause if i dont someone will succeed in being right about my self-worth....about my self-being....about me having any potential.....of me even being considered a person. Its odd really..I shouldn't feel this way about myself and oh well.....................*thinks*....................................................................................................................................................................ok im depressed and I just dont wanna say why I think that's it and I think ill be ok cause ive felt like this for awhile now and im just feeling all blah or maybe ill just get over how I feel or maybe im fine really and this is all a random mechanism of defense.
I think ill go now cause I dont think i wanna type anymore cause ill either spill out how I feel inside or maybe I just am tired or maybe I just dont wanna think about it....wait...ill be fine....really really....ill be fine
yeah....ill be fine......yeah or am I just lieing to myself?