(no subject)
so this week has been weird enough. Been doing alot of thinking(hard to believe i kno lol) but yea, Matt died exactly a year ago to this day. Its so weird knowing he's been gone that long cuz it really dosent feel like it. like a year and 3 days ago i was at the mall talking with him...that was like the last time i saw him alive. Like its really weird thinking about it, like i wonder if i had known that was the last time i would ever see him wut i would have wanted to say or how it would have been different. I mean i never would have though that id never see him again after that. Matt was such an amazing person, like amazeing isnt even the rite word b/c theres not enough words to describe him to be albe to get the point across. I found out he had died like 5 minutes before i left for turnabout last year. When i got home from there it like really hit me, i can just remember being up in my room and just started crying. Then the next day i was at tennis and i was still crying. Luckily i have a bunch of amazeing friends who were there for me that day. I remember the wake wasnt like anything i expected. When me, steph, and casi got here it was so quite. Like we walked in and there was this huge line of ppl waiting to go into the other room. When we got into the room before u went up to the casket Matt's mom was standing there thanking ppl for coming...that made me cry she was being so strong, like i know she was in more pain then almost everyone there but she still managed to smile and talk with ppl. Seeing matt was the hardest thing. It just wasnt my matt. Like it looked like a guy with a stocking over his face. But at the same time it was him...he looked so peacefull, he still had that little fuzzy patch on his head that he could never quite get all the way when he shaved his head, he had on his ohio state football jersy which brought out so much of him even with out saying anything, and lastly he had that smile on his face which in a way was comforting. I remember after we left we got in the car and came back to my house to get ppl's stuff before i took them home. I had stopped crying when we left the church, but the minute we got home me, steph, and casi were all sitting in the den i just broke down. I cry the entire time when we went to drop steph off at her house and then for about a half hour after we got home, it was a rough night. Matt's family had him creamated and they planned to spread his ashes over Ohio States football field since that was his dream.
Its weird how when a person first dies suddenly u have all these memories of them that u havent thought about in years. Like i could remember this one random time at the mall and this guy jumped on my from behind i just fell to the ground...when i turned around it was matt, of course at that time i was like matt u jerk and laughed. But about 2 weeks after the persons death suddenly the memories arent as clear as they used to be. Like u can remember it was that person in the memory but u cant picture wut they look like clearly anymore. But u always have just one memory that is completly clear, even if its not that big of one. My memory where i can completely picture his face is from all the way back in 6th grade(which is weird cuz i'd seen him tons of times in that past year) We were in the same gym class and he sat diagonal from me. Matt would always play jokes on other ppl and when ever i'd be like wut u plotting matt, he turn his head look me straight in the eyes and smile. His face comes so clearly in that memory its scarey. I mean i can even remember wut he was wearing. It really is hard to believe that he's been gone for a year.
Newaiz sry for that depressing thing but i dunno just had to say that somewhere...Rip Matt Brant 3/11/04 Always in our hearts