I wish _______________
That I wasn't sick
That I wasn't sad
And that I wasn't always wishing things.
Like, do I act in ways that will eventually get me what I want? Or am I just wishing all of the time?
I need to take things a step at a time. Like, get off my ass is step one. Get off the computer, step two. Go blow my nose, step three. Take a nap, four. Go to the gym for a little while, five. Go shop, six.
Victoria's Secret Semi-Annual starts today and I'm excited for it, but I don't have any energy lately.
Of course I might have to take things even smaller than that. Pull your eyes away from the screen. Stop looking at the television. Set the computer down. Stand up. Walk. Find the bathroom. Pull off toilet paper. Blow. Garbage can. Walk back. Continue typing.
It just feels like so much lately. I see my day in these baby steps and if you view your day like that then a day becomes a million years of little tasks. And the little tasks feel so hard lately, like each simple thing weighs a thousand tons in energy. So every day weighs a lot. But it's sunny and hot outside, and the outside world doesn't match my insides.
I walk to accomplish these little tasks, and my MIND doesn't feel the energy but I am surprised to hear my vocal chords humming and my legs propelling me into a couple skips in my step. So mismatched.
Things I do put my energy into don't necessarily feel like they are worth it. Teaching this summer has nearly burnt me out already and I'm barely into my second (out of six) week. Autism is such an ugly disease to me today. Today it feels like the rewards are non-existent; so what if we focus together for twenty seconds on one task and I get you to count to four? What if you can repeat to me something that I just said to you? Does that mean you will fare any better in the real world? That this cruel society you have to live in for the rest of your life won't still eat you alive and vomit up your bones without a morsel of regret or guilt? Autism is not a "curable" disease; it is a disease that is here to stay. And I have that attitude today, the attitude where it's not worth it because it's pointless.
I don't understand how people choose to make this their profession. It takes everything you have, and after this work has wrung dry your emotional cloth it greedily demands the material for its own. It takes a special person to choose this, out of the million things you could do.
That I wasn't sad
And that I wasn't always wishing things.
Like, do I act in ways that will eventually get me what I want? Or am I just wishing all of the time?
I need to take things a step at a time. Like, get off my ass is step one. Get off the computer, step two. Go blow my nose, step three. Take a nap, four. Go to the gym for a little while, five. Go shop, six.
Victoria's Secret Semi-Annual starts today and I'm excited for it, but I don't have any energy lately.
Of course I might have to take things even smaller than that. Pull your eyes away from the screen. Stop looking at the television. Set the computer down. Stand up. Walk. Find the bathroom. Pull off toilet paper. Blow. Garbage can. Walk back. Continue typing.
It just feels like so much lately. I see my day in these baby steps and if you view your day like that then a day becomes a million years of little tasks. And the little tasks feel so hard lately, like each simple thing weighs a thousand tons in energy. So every day weighs a lot. But it's sunny and hot outside, and the outside world doesn't match my insides.
I walk to accomplish these little tasks, and my MIND doesn't feel the energy but I am surprised to hear my vocal chords humming and my legs propelling me into a couple skips in my step. So mismatched.
Things I do put my energy into don't necessarily feel like they are worth it. Teaching this summer has nearly burnt me out already and I'm barely into my second (out of six) week. Autism is such an ugly disease to me today. Today it feels like the rewards are non-existent; so what if we focus together for twenty seconds on one task and I get you to count to four? What if you can repeat to me something that I just said to you? Does that mean you will fare any better in the real world? That this cruel society you have to live in for the rest of your life won't still eat you alive and vomit up your bones without a morsel of regret or guilt? Autism is not a "curable" disease; it is a disease that is here to stay. And I have that attitude today, the attitude where it's not worth it because it's pointless.
I don't understand how people choose to make this their profession. It takes everything you have, and after this work has wrung dry your emotional cloth it greedily demands the material for its own. It takes a special person to choose this, out of the million things you could do.