(no subject)
i dont really understand life any more. im bound to be happy if i just except. no me? you mustnt be "fo serious" as tiki would say. its like this. i could have as many guys as i wanted... then again i cud have one guy who gives the world for me.... and where do you ask is the confusion, well here let me show you! i dont fucking know what i want. see most girls find a guy settle down for a bit, break up, have fun, date again. me nope cant do it. cant except the fact that a guy is actually in love with me. and when i do i feel lyk i have him wrapped around my finger as if love was just a game where in the end i break his heart and see if he comes back for more? is this really me? is this really what i want?
i tried to talk to my sister about my eating disorder, she totaly ignored me & blew it off like it was nothing. do they not see i suffer? they dont? good. keep it that way. i like the way that i am. i hate eating. i love food, hate eating. i wish you could see my ribs. some people think i am sick for wanting that. i want to be tall and thin. i want to be beautiful. now beautiful to one is different to another. i just dont understand any more. out of all people i thought she would understand. i thought she would actualy listen but again im disappointed. she never lets me into her world and when i try to let her into mine, she just gives off this "dont let me remember the past, dont let me in" mood. it sucks i hate it.
i tried talking to kt today. i guess she has a boyfriend. wow? who told me? not her? maybe she did and i just wasnt paying attention to it close enuff. you think she would have spelt it out for me tho considering my stupidity level when it comes to things like this. its upseting when i feel lyk we arent even best friends any more, yet i know if i say something, something will just get screwed up. maybe im being selfish. pobly am.
things at the barn were so awakward today. emilee just hasnt been the same. i was supposed to call Ann but i never did =\. i should call jade and invite her out this week if the weather ever breaks. im not sure what i want to say to em. shes really pissing me off, acting childish. she called me a spoiled bitch. ha. im sorry i get everything i want. then wen i tried to take her out for a "night on the town" she totaly turned me down for nicole which i thing was just an excuse for her not to go out with me. i know this isnt my emilee, what ever could be fueling her to treat her "best friend" this way. it makes me queezy....
i saw aaron for the first time in a while today. last time we spoke things didnt go the way i anticipated. maybe its because i thrive for attention with him.. he knows he loves me and he says he cant deal with anyone else shit. newsflash my problems keep him occupied with in the long run helps me. maybe im just bein selfish. i miss him tho, the way we talked was almost magical. almost....
i wish people would learn just not to get involved with me. no matter how tempting i am, conceeded? just a little. anyways im bizouncin' this head hurts and the words of magic need to spill on paper. ive had the same thought for days that is threatning the life of me if i dont write it out. def poetry has really gotten my chains to rattle which is good, ask wes ive been in this writers block nuch for months now. but i did write one thing as seen in my last LJ entry. in my opinion its prefect. it describes everything... who knows what is even worthy anymore? gotta go write =] ask if you wanna see more of my shit
♥ *you know who*
i tried to talk to my sister about my eating disorder, she totaly ignored me & blew it off like it was nothing. do they not see i suffer? they dont? good. keep it that way. i like the way that i am. i hate eating. i love food, hate eating. i wish you could see my ribs. some people think i am sick for wanting that. i want to be tall and thin. i want to be beautiful. now beautiful to one is different to another. i just dont understand any more. out of all people i thought she would understand. i thought she would actualy listen but again im disappointed. she never lets me into her world and when i try to let her into mine, she just gives off this "dont let me remember the past, dont let me in" mood. it sucks i hate it.
i tried talking to kt today. i guess she has a boyfriend. wow? who told me? not her? maybe she did and i just wasnt paying attention to it close enuff. you think she would have spelt it out for me tho considering my stupidity level when it comes to things like this. its upseting when i feel lyk we arent even best friends any more, yet i know if i say something, something will just get screwed up. maybe im being selfish. pobly am.
things at the barn were so awakward today. emilee just hasnt been the same. i was supposed to call Ann but i never did =\. i should call jade and invite her out this week if the weather ever breaks. im not sure what i want to say to em. shes really pissing me off, acting childish. she called me a spoiled bitch. ha. im sorry i get everything i want. then wen i tried to take her out for a "night on the town" she totaly turned me down for nicole which i thing was just an excuse for her not to go out with me. i know this isnt my emilee, what ever could be fueling her to treat her "best friend" this way. it makes me queezy....
i saw aaron for the first time in a while today. last time we spoke things didnt go the way i anticipated. maybe its because i thrive for attention with him.. he knows he loves me and he says he cant deal with anyone else shit. newsflash my problems keep him occupied with in the long run helps me. maybe im just bein selfish. i miss him tho, the way we talked was almost magical. almost....
i wish people would learn just not to get involved with me. no matter how tempting i am, conceeded? just a little. anyways im bizouncin' this head hurts and the words of magic need to spill on paper. ive had the same thought for days that is threatning the life of me if i dont write it out. def poetry has really gotten my chains to rattle which is good, ask wes ive been in this writers block nuch for months now. but i did write one thing as seen in my last LJ entry. in my opinion its prefect. it describes everything... who knows what is even worthy anymore? gotta go write =] ask if you wanna see more of my shit
♥ *you know who*