there's beauty in the breakdown
I hate that I had two Sunday nights this week. Two of those awful, ofuck my time for dicking around is coming to a close. Fucking school should've just given us Monday off too, like my brother's elementary school did.
I hate getting up at 6:35 for my class at 8.
I think I want college now.
I hate my life. I'm... bored and I feel displaced and not right. I don't like who I am. I don't much like being a girl, actually. Or short. Or any of the things I am.
I wish I could experience a different life.
It would also be nice to have a passion. And academic passion, or a career inspiration. All I really want to do is learn, but not work, just learn. I want something social. Not, like, a party scene. I just want to learn about people. Things that piss them off, things they like, their talents, random things they do each day. This is why I love LiveJournal. But I want this to be my whole life. I don't want a job. I... am beginning to regret dating again. Not because I don't like him. I do. It's just that I kind of prefer being an observer. And I like just having friends.
I'm a romantic, yes, but not for me.
I don't know what I want out of life.
Something that I realised quite recently (in this year) is that one of the reasons I have trouble thinking about myself in a relationship is that I'm starting to identify as a pansexual, leaning more towards homosexual, man, which, by the way, I am not.
Being a girl doesn't feel right. But I absolutely do not want the surgery. I need to have been born as a man. And I wasn't, so now I'm stuck like this.
The question that's really bothering me is: how the hell am I going to live with this body for another 70+ years?
Do not want.
I am not usually one for long introspective personal posts, mostly because I tend to internalize that shit, but what the hell, why not.
I started playing FFXII again this weekend. I love that I have 108 hours of gameplay and I'm maybe 30% done with all the extra shit, not to mention I still have quite a chunk of the plot (I'm at Giruvegan, which is really sexy sounding, btw). This is definitely one of my absolute favourite games by far. Not that I play a lot of games, and I do enjoy the ones I play.
I've been playing FFIV too. I'm very fond of it, but somehow less emotionally attached. Several characters have died off already (I say, being halfway through), but I didn't feel much for them, I didn't react the way I did with Vossler (I cried through both cutscenes and the entire battle). But I ship Kain/Cecil/Rosa 8D and Cecil/Edward.
I hate getting up at 6:35 for my class at 8.
I think I want college now.
I hate my life. I'm... bored and I feel displaced and not right. I don't like who I am. I don't much like being a girl, actually. Or short. Or any of the things I am.
I wish I could experience a different life.
It would also be nice to have a passion. And academic passion, or a career inspiration. All I really want to do is learn, but not work, just learn. I want something social. Not, like, a party scene. I just want to learn about people. Things that piss them off, things they like, their talents, random things they do each day. This is why I love LiveJournal. But I want this to be my whole life. I don't want a job. I... am beginning to regret dating again. Not because I don't like him. I do. It's just that I kind of prefer being an observer. And I like just having friends.
I'm a romantic, yes, but not for me.
I don't know what I want out of life.
Something that I realised quite recently (in this year) is that one of the reasons I have trouble thinking about myself in a relationship is that I'm starting to identify as a pansexual, leaning more towards homosexual, man, which, by the way, I am not.
Being a girl doesn't feel right. But I absolutely do not want the surgery. I need to have been born as a man. And I wasn't, so now I'm stuck like this.
The question that's really bothering me is: how the hell am I going to live with this body for another 70+ years?
Do not want.
I am not usually one for long introspective personal posts, mostly because I tend to internalize that shit, but what the hell, why not.
I started playing FFXII again this weekend. I love that I have 108 hours of gameplay and I'm maybe 30% done with all the extra shit, not to mention I still have quite a chunk of the plot (I'm at Giruvegan, which is really sexy sounding, btw). This is definitely one of my absolute favourite games by far. Not that I play a lot of games, and I do enjoy the ones I play.
I've been playing FFIV too. I'm very fond of it, but somehow less emotionally attached. Several characters have died off already (I say, being halfway through), but I didn't feel much for them, I didn't react the way I did with Vossler (I cried through both cutscenes and the entire battle). But I ship Kain/Cecil/Rosa 8D and Cecil/Edward.