Better living through chemistry
A few months ago I finally, after much procrastination, started to see a therapist. Which resulted in a prescription for anti-anxiety/anti-depressant medication and - after a few more weeks of procrastination - I filled the prescription and started taking my pink pills.
The doctor nearly laughed at the level I wanted to start, half the smallest possible dose. The level he prescribes for 'little old ladies'. However, I'm oddly sensitive to medications. Still - after two weeks, even at this tiny dose, the change is … startling.
I've never taken mood modifying chemicals before, legal or otherwise, can't drink alcohol, don't even smoke. My fear was that these pills would make me 'different' somehow. Make me a 'new person' which I don't find appealing as a concept. I may not like myself at times - even often - but I've worked hard to be the person I am and I don't want a handful of psychoactive molecules to undo all my work.
But now I wonder if I'll become one of those people who are terrified of th e thought of losing their pills. I'm not suddenly joyous but - I'm not afraid all the time. I actually relax when I sleep - and dream. The few dreams I had in my adult life were usually grueling nightmares. Lately, my dreams have been fun, or interest ing, fodder for stories - and not just horror. You wouldn't believe how much a difference it makes to not be afraid of your dreams. Or to no longer be afraid of sunset and the inevitable arrival of disturbing thoughts - was my partner hit by a car and k illed today and no one told me? Did my cat eat something poisonous and will he be dying when I come home? Do I have cancer? Am I going to lose my job? Is my ex-boyfriend (of 11 years ago, no less) still stalking me?
I've always know those thoughts wer e unrealistic, unlikely in the extreme and I learned a long time ago not to reinforce them by talking about them. But nothing I could do would guarantee that they would not happen. I also know that my problems were relatively minor. I hold down a deman ding job, I write professionally, I have some friends, I've been with my partner for over 11 years. I managed (at 35) to get my Bachelor's, despite the fact that my high school councilor told me I was too stupid to go to college. There are people who ha ve suicidal impulses, how do self-harm, who can't simply ignore their darker fears and needs. So, I was embarrassed to ask for pills, as if I was exaggerating my problems somehow.
But still… It's nice not be afraid all the time.
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The doctor nearly laughed at the level I wanted to start, half the smallest possible dose. The level he prescribes for 'little old ladies'. However, I'm oddly sensitive to medications. Still - after two weeks, even at this tiny dose, the change is … startling.
I've never taken mood modifying chemicals before, legal or otherwise, can't drink alcohol, don't even smoke. My fear was that these pills would make me 'different' somehow. Make me a 'new person' which I don't find appealing as a concept. I may not like myself at times - even often - but I've worked hard to be the person I am and I don't want a handful of psychoactive molecules to undo all my work.
But now I wonder if I'll become one of those people who are terrified of th e thought of losing their pills. I'm not suddenly joyous but - I'm not afraid all the time. I actually relax when I sleep - and dream. The few dreams I had in my adult life were usually grueling nightmares. Lately, my dreams have been fun, or interest ing, fodder for stories - and not just horror. You wouldn't believe how much a difference it makes to not be afraid of your dreams. Or to no longer be afraid of sunset and the inevitable arrival of disturbing thoughts - was my partner hit by a car and k illed today and no one told me? Did my cat eat something poisonous and will he be dying when I come home? Do I have cancer? Am I going to lose my job? Is my ex-boyfriend (of 11 years ago, no less) still stalking me?
I've always know those thoughts wer e unrealistic, unlikely in the extreme and I learned a long time ago not to reinforce them by talking about them. But nothing I could do would guarantee that they would not happen. I also know that my problems were relatively minor. I hold down a deman ding job, I write professionally, I have some friends, I've been with my partner for over 11 years. I managed (at 35) to get my Bachelor's, despite the fact that my high school councilor told me I was too stupid to go to college. There are people who ha ve suicidal impulses, how do self-harm, who can't simply ignore their darker fears and needs. So, I was embarrassed to ask for pills, as if I was exaggerating my problems somehow.
But still… It's nice not be afraid all the time.
›