Normally, I like rain (Chemistry)
Lalala - I can't hear you, I say to my brain chemistry.
I moved down to a half pill on my meds awhile ago and seemed pretty fine. Stress was normal, could sleep most of the time, all seemed well. Hey, I was even happy most of the time.
I figured, no desk job, setting my own schedule and (not much) exersize was all I needed, besides a little bit of the pink pill. I'd even started to forget it for days at a time, which is my usual response to medications.
Until it started to rain again.
It's been a fairly dry summer here, no real cloudy days or rain for a couple of months. Then, just last week it started to rain. Normal rain, the kind of rain we get here, which is days of it with medium to heavy cloud cover.
Of course, my brain took a nosedive.
Yeah, things are little more stressful here than usual and I'm cut off from my usual touchstones of stability but not in a huge, impossible to handle way. Not in a way that should leave me having anxiety issues about the color of my socks.
Clearly, 1/2 pill a day ain't gonna cut it after all. Not where I live.
So, it's trying to find a free clinic that will give me a prescription for my drugs then a Canadian company that will sell them to me over the internet. And the associated costs for both (as 'free clinic' rarely means 'free').
I guess I should be glad I got a little taste of fall before it actually arrived. I'll have more time to prepare and that's not a bad thing.
******************
Sometimes I wonder if taking these meds has made me worse not better, it seems like whenever they aren't doing their job, my depression and anxiety is a lot more overwhelming that it used to be. Like my endurance muscles have atrophied or something.
It's back to the old, "if I have to take meds, I must be just weak or something" bullshit that good old Protestant American culture sticks most people in the US with.
It could simply be that, lately, I've been trying to make major changes in my life that should make things better - in the long run. In the short run it's "where's the money" and "working independently" and "trying to restructure my family life".
Things that I would never have attempted to do two years ago. So, is it that the drugs gave me a little extra boost so I could even think about these changes? And they're more stress than I can easily handle (all at once), without them? Or is it that my depression and anxiety has really gotten worse?
There's no way to know, and I guess that's what's worst about mental problems; there's no simple blood test or measurement that can be taken to define them. Something that's not so bad for me can be awful for someone else and vice-versa.
I don't - I won't - go back to the kind of rigid, unchanging life I had before. I know I don't need drugs to make that possible, but it does make it easier. And, after so long, I think I deserve a little 'easier'.
I moved down to a half pill on my meds awhile ago and seemed pretty fine. Stress was normal, could sleep most of the time, all seemed well. Hey, I was even happy most of the time.
I figured, no desk job, setting my own schedule and (not much) exersize was all I needed, besides a little bit of the pink pill. I'd even started to forget it for days at a time, which is my usual response to medications.
Until it started to rain again.
It's been a fairly dry summer here, no real cloudy days or rain for a couple of months. Then, just last week it started to rain. Normal rain, the kind of rain we get here, which is days of it with medium to heavy cloud cover.
Of course, my brain took a nosedive.
Yeah, things are little more stressful here than usual and I'm cut off from my usual touchstones of stability but not in a huge, impossible to handle way. Not in a way that should leave me having anxiety issues about the color of my socks.
Clearly, 1/2 pill a day ain't gonna cut it after all. Not where I live.
So, it's trying to find a free clinic that will give me a prescription for my drugs then a Canadian company that will sell them to me over the internet. And the associated costs for both (as 'free clinic' rarely means 'free').
I guess I should be glad I got a little taste of fall before it actually arrived. I'll have more time to prepare and that's not a bad thing.
******************
Sometimes I wonder if taking these meds has made me worse not better, it seems like whenever they aren't doing their job, my depression and anxiety is a lot more overwhelming that it used to be. Like my endurance muscles have atrophied or something.
It's back to the old, "if I have to take meds, I must be just weak or something" bullshit that good old Protestant American culture sticks most people in the US with.
It could simply be that, lately, I've been trying to make major changes in my life that should make things better - in the long run. In the short run it's "where's the money" and "working independently" and "trying to restructure my family life".
Things that I would never have attempted to do two years ago. So, is it that the drugs gave me a little extra boost so I could even think about these changes? And they're more stress than I can easily handle (all at once), without them? Or is it that my depression and anxiety has really gotten worse?
There's no way to know, and I guess that's what's worst about mental problems; there's no simple blood test or measurement that can be taken to define them. Something that's not so bad for me can be awful for someone else and vice-versa.
I don't - I won't - go back to the kind of rigid, unchanging life I had before. I know I don't need drugs to make that possible, but it does make it easier. And, after so long, I think I deserve a little 'easier'.