my mind is telling me no, but my body is telling me yes!
Everyone has a different way of dealing with depression. I recently came out of a rather large depression at the close of May. Now, it's time for me to go back into one. I hate when this happens. I can't just snap my fingers and go into one, nor can I snap my fingers and pop out of a depression. Many people think it's that easy, but then again, they probably have never been in one.
My way of dealing with depression is unique. I actually combine a few different things together. One, I have yet admitted to anyone, and just recently to myself. First, I clean when I get depressed. I think it is the act of taking something that was once spotless, removing the dirt, making it "prettier", and then leaving it looking great, but it still remembers it's flaws. That is what happens to me. I start out spotless, then I get filthy (aka the source of the depression like relationships, career, future) and then I try to make it prettier by either excessively working out, or excessively dieting, and then I fix the insides and leave them looking great, but I still remember the flaws and I still don't always avoid them. I guess it all comes down to is I am unhappy with myself, my life, and my surroundings. This really sucks because it has brought about one thing, an ****** ********. I can't admit it to anyone. No one needs to know for I fear of what they will do. But I'm goig to explain the best I can while trying to keep the situation a secret.
You know how when you get on a roller coaster, and they lock you in? Well, you can control that, taking the decision to get on the roller coaster, but after that you are immune to controling your surroundings at all. You can't control how fast the roller coaster is going, who is sitting in front of you, that the guy at the controls is hung over and doesn't know what he is doing, or that the big hill is almost here. But you can control yourself. You can control your eyes (are they open or closed), your hands (are they holding on tight or up in the air), your muscles (are you extremely tense or extremely relaxed). Well... This is how I feel... i can't control anything, so there is one thing I can control... and it's starting again. I am controling it, but not in the right way. I am doing my best not to say it because group therapy or a counselor is the last thing I need.
This has got to stop sometime, I just don't know how or when. I can't continue wearing the many mask I do. I can't stand there smiling and having a good time when inside I can only think about one thing that makes me want to cry. I think I would be better off if I just hibernated in my room, got rid of my computer, television, iPod, and kept nothing but my books. Then, I would not have to worry about social problems, appearances, or anything else, but myself. I regret to say this, but I'm loosing myself. I'm not me anymore. and I doubt I ever will be. I really should be going before I say somthing I'll regret. I think I'll go to the graveyard tomorrow.
My way of dealing with depression is unique. I actually combine a few different things together. One, I have yet admitted to anyone, and just recently to myself. First, I clean when I get depressed. I think it is the act of taking something that was once spotless, removing the dirt, making it "prettier", and then leaving it looking great, but it still remembers it's flaws. That is what happens to me. I start out spotless, then I get filthy (aka the source of the depression like relationships, career, future) and then I try to make it prettier by either excessively working out, or excessively dieting, and then I fix the insides and leave them looking great, but I still remember the flaws and I still don't always avoid them. I guess it all comes down to is I am unhappy with myself, my life, and my surroundings. This really sucks because it has brought about one thing, an ****** ********. I can't admit it to anyone. No one needs to know for I fear of what they will do. But I'm goig to explain the best I can while trying to keep the situation a secret.
You know how when you get on a roller coaster, and they lock you in? Well, you can control that, taking the decision to get on the roller coaster, but after that you are immune to controling your surroundings at all. You can't control how fast the roller coaster is going, who is sitting in front of you, that the guy at the controls is hung over and doesn't know what he is doing, or that the big hill is almost here. But you can control yourself. You can control your eyes (are they open or closed), your hands (are they holding on tight or up in the air), your muscles (are you extremely tense or extremely relaxed). Well... This is how I feel... i can't control anything, so there is one thing I can control... and it's starting again. I am controling it, but not in the right way. I am doing my best not to say it because group therapy or a counselor is the last thing I need.
This has got to stop sometime, I just don't know how or when. I can't continue wearing the many mask I do. I can't stand there smiling and having a good time when inside I can only think about one thing that makes me want to cry. I think I would be better off if I just hibernated in my room, got rid of my computer, television, iPod, and kept nothing but my books. Then, I would not have to worry about social problems, appearances, or anything else, but myself. I regret to say this, but I'm loosing myself. I'm not me anymore. and I doubt I ever will be. I really should be going before I say somthing I'll regret. I think I'll go to the graveyard tomorrow.