(no subject)
hmmmm, so many things going on right now through my mind, its one of those times you feel you're at the crossroads of life. Why the hell aren't i satisfied right now. I know i shouldn't be complaining because theres more important things going on around the world, its just crazy to think how so much can change in a short period of time. in the past year, I've made friends, lost friends traveled to new places and done things i never thought id do, been shown on national TV hundreds of times, got a degree, I've lived like a king and have just been doing what i want and having fun, well trying to anyways. its weird cuz around this time last year i thought i had everything figured out, it quickly fell to shambles, got screwed over by girls, back stabbed by a friend, had a brother die, been used and all kinds things, but the pluses of the past year ended up well over compensating for the negatives. But yet i still don't know what I'm doing, well i know what i wanna do in life, we all know acting is what my plan is and so far I'm successful at it, hell i make more money than most, I have my backup plan of teaching and ill be done with that goal within a year and a half so why am i still confused, I have amazing friends, success, a great education, money and it seems not a care in the world.
Is it the thought of tomorrow being different than what i imagine it to be, is it the change that happens constantly and rapidly. Ive been talking about my acting career lately with some of you and how this year has been a breakout, who knows where it'll be, say, in a year from now if it keeps going good, maybe i wont be here anymore and in Hollywood instead, maybe ill have dropped out of school to pursue my dream full time. Say I don't pursue that dream and i stay here and teach, its still weird to even think that id be in charge of a bunch of students who are gonna be the future, shaping the world will then be in my hands, what if neither acting or teaching comes to fruition and another 180 degree turn happens in life then what? I'm 24 yrs old now, its always been my dream to be retired by 30, i know I'm doing good but since i always over analyze keep telling myself i' not doing good enough and i keep pushing myself and stressing myself out. It would appear to the naked eye that i have things going good and under control but then i ask do i really? sure i have friends, money, success, education, but what is it that still bugs me, is it the desire i have that makes me want more and more and so I'm always trying to make things better and i wear myself down? Maybe I'm just getting impatient and need more of an edge, maybe i need that fire and more of a wild side or who knows? i don't.
Typing this i just came to another point i want to talk about which is girls, why aren't there any goddamn good ones out there, seriously theres always gotta be something about one, and much as i try to look past the negatives, it always come back to bite me in the end, we all know about the mess that happened with the last girl i fell for, yeah she ended up being a lying coke head who used me, took advantage of me and what not, just like everyone said and now I'm terrified of girls but now i fall for another girl that everyone warns me about and i keep trying to look past everything, but I'm stubborn and just have to go for it. I'm out of my fuckin mind. But for real where are the good girls at, one who's not gonna take advantage of me, one i could care for, and do special things for, one who's there for me? I'm beginning to think that doesn't exist either, i'm starting to lose hope. Is that whats missing? Again I dunno, i never do these days anyways. Lately I been getting butterflies in the stomach alot lately like something is going to happen, like I'm anticipating something but then nothing happens. tomorrow i go on set to film my part in a movie called "what happens in vegas" it stars ashton kutcher, cameron diaz and queen latifah but i already got demoted from playing a waiter in the movie to just being an extra in the club scene, at least my pay stays the same though.
Maybe this will be that big break in my career but if it was that would bring change into my life again like the last thing i filmed which is a commercial for energytomorrow.org oh yeah you cant check it out on that website if you still haven't seen it on the television. Looking forward is scary, i could be a living big in hollywood, or i could be teaching here in vegas and act part time one of those is a sure thing tho and is going to happen, it makes me think am i really a grown up now? thats another thought that makes me cringe because at heart im still a kid who's out trying to have fun but i know soon im gonna have to make some changes and theres that word again, change. maybe im a manic depressive. maybe since im always learning something or doing something i mess up the balance of my brain and freak out. cuz when i think about it im constantly on the move, the 9-5 work which i don't even need to be doing, school, friends, shows, being in bands, strip clubs, hanging out, acting, being green, dieting, working out, wanting to travel, wanting a girl, everything is just so stressful. i sleep prolly a total of 30 hours a week if even that, i fall asleep at stop lights and i still try to squeeze more in my life, but why?
I dont get it.seriously maybe i need to not have a typical 9-5 anymore because i know i dont need it, i could teach part time for now as a sub, and act more and at least ill be doing 2 things i wanna do and not the 9-5 even though i turn that into a party also since i pretty much do what i want when im there and got a dope boss, maybe i just need a break again cuz that week in SF wasn't enough. maybe i should invest in my own crib, i dunno, all i know is somethings got to give. maybe im just an emo bitch who likes to complain when i shouldn't because i know some of you prolly think i shouldn't bitch since im doing good in life, but then again it may look that way but i feel like something is missing and there should be more. blahhh now im just rambling and i think i should shut up now because i have no idea what im even typing about now, but if you read this congratulations this was a product of nearly an hours worth of typing and its also pretty long so you must be bored. i aint even gonna re read this and check for errors, oh well. finished.
Is it the thought of tomorrow being different than what i imagine it to be, is it the change that happens constantly and rapidly. Ive been talking about my acting career lately with some of you and how this year has been a breakout, who knows where it'll be, say, in a year from now if it keeps going good, maybe i wont be here anymore and in Hollywood instead, maybe ill have dropped out of school to pursue my dream full time. Say I don't pursue that dream and i stay here and teach, its still weird to even think that id be in charge of a bunch of students who are gonna be the future, shaping the world will then be in my hands, what if neither acting or teaching comes to fruition and another 180 degree turn happens in life then what? I'm 24 yrs old now, its always been my dream to be retired by 30, i know I'm doing good but since i always over analyze keep telling myself i' not doing good enough and i keep pushing myself and stressing myself out. It would appear to the naked eye that i have things going good and under control but then i ask do i really? sure i have friends, money, success, education, but what is it that still bugs me, is it the desire i have that makes me want more and more and so I'm always trying to make things better and i wear myself down? Maybe I'm just getting impatient and need more of an edge, maybe i need that fire and more of a wild side or who knows? i don't.
Typing this i just came to another point i want to talk about which is girls, why aren't there any goddamn good ones out there, seriously theres always gotta be something about one, and much as i try to look past the negatives, it always come back to bite me in the end, we all know about the mess that happened with the last girl i fell for, yeah she ended up being a lying coke head who used me, took advantage of me and what not, just like everyone said and now I'm terrified of girls but now i fall for another girl that everyone warns me about and i keep trying to look past everything, but I'm stubborn and just have to go for it. I'm out of my fuckin mind. But for real where are the good girls at, one who's not gonna take advantage of me, one i could care for, and do special things for, one who's there for me? I'm beginning to think that doesn't exist either, i'm starting to lose hope. Is that whats missing? Again I dunno, i never do these days anyways. Lately I been getting butterflies in the stomach alot lately like something is going to happen, like I'm anticipating something but then nothing happens. tomorrow i go on set to film my part in a movie called "what happens in vegas" it stars ashton kutcher, cameron diaz and queen latifah but i already got demoted from playing a waiter in the movie to just being an extra in the club scene, at least my pay stays the same though.
Maybe this will be that big break in my career but if it was that would bring change into my life again like the last thing i filmed which is a commercial for energytomorrow.org oh yeah you cant check it out on that website if you still haven't seen it on the television. Looking forward is scary, i could be a living big in hollywood, or i could be teaching here in vegas and act part time one of those is a sure thing tho and is going to happen, it makes me think am i really a grown up now? thats another thought that makes me cringe because at heart im still a kid who's out trying to have fun but i know soon im gonna have to make some changes and theres that word again, change. maybe im a manic depressive. maybe since im always learning something or doing something i mess up the balance of my brain and freak out. cuz when i think about it im constantly on the move, the 9-5 work which i don't even need to be doing, school, friends, shows, being in bands, strip clubs, hanging out, acting, being green, dieting, working out, wanting to travel, wanting a girl, everything is just so stressful. i sleep prolly a total of 30 hours a week if even that, i fall asleep at stop lights and i still try to squeeze more in my life, but why?
I dont get it.seriously maybe i need to not have a typical 9-5 anymore because i know i dont need it, i could teach part time for now as a sub, and act more and at least ill be doing 2 things i wanna do and not the 9-5 even though i turn that into a party also since i pretty much do what i want when im there and got a dope boss, maybe i just need a break again cuz that week in SF wasn't enough. maybe i should invest in my own crib, i dunno, all i know is somethings got to give. maybe im just an emo bitch who likes to complain when i shouldn't because i know some of you prolly think i shouldn't bitch since im doing good in life, but then again it may look that way but i feel like something is missing and there should be more. blahhh now im just rambling and i think i should shut up now because i have no idea what im even typing about now, but if you read this congratulations this was a product of nearly an hours worth of typing and its also pretty long so you must be bored. i aint even gonna re read this and check for errors, oh well. finished.