(no subject)
Today is the first day of waking up without a headache. I think I'm finally getting used to the poor air quality here. I've been told that my next post will be worse due to the climate. It's colder near the mountains but I'll also be in a valley so the stench and haze will hover. I'm really not looking forward to inhaling anything and everything the locals burn to stay warm. I've been told that they will even burn their own feces. I sincerely hope that they are joking.
My lack of headache may also be from finally unloading my stresses on my significant other. I had hit my limit. Being away from the relationship gave me the time I needed to think objectively. It's incredibly difficult to be able to think clearly when you're heavily involved in the day to day situations. I made excuses and justified his weaknesses instead of encouraging his growth. I enabled him to procrastinate and divert from his responsibilities to himself and in the meantime I was getting upset about feeling used because he was not meeting my expectations. That's not fair for either of us. So I laid it out.
First of all, I apologized for not being able to talk about my feeling face to face. I have always had a difficult time talking to my significant others. My therapist has pulled it out of me that it has to do with my deep-seeded need to stay quiet to stay out of trouble. Apparently my mommy issues have surfaced in my adult life. My therapist has me convinced that I find it difficult to speak with those I truly care for because of all the times I was punished for it as a child. It stems from the lack of approval from my mother. I trusted her as a child should be able to trust a parent, but she was manipulative and destructive. I am normally a social person, I can talk to just about anyone, but I find it damn near impossible to communicate with my significant other. On top of my mommy issues, I've been broken down in just about every relationship I've had, which comes back down to my lack of communication. I decided it's time to speak my mind no matter the cost. Because I can't be told that I'm living in insanity.
Anyway, I laid it out. I am an enabler, but I do expect my partner to be the person I can count on during hardship. I am not asking for much. Someone I can trust to take care of their self, someone who can complete household chores, someone who respects standards of living. Someone who cares.
He is an angry person. By no means is he a physically abusive person, but he harbors so much anger and resentment toward life. The negative impact is too much. Simple tasks like cooperative grocery shopping are a cause for alarm. I watch him, waiting for him to flip the switch and fly off the handle. It doesn't take much to set him off. The worst part is that he justifies his anger by making it the other person's fault. It's terribly unhealthy. Sometimes I wonder if he ever feels happiness. I have burned my brain on why he's so angry all of the time. I want to understand what essentially ruined a good man.
I've felt like he's given up, even with therapy and school, his life is a giant pile of mishaps. Some would say it's his lack of positive energy in the world. I would have to agree. But I also think it has something to do with his inability to see past himself and his own problems. Most days I hope to be the person to pull him out of his pit of self-loathing. I realize that I can't be anything more than a small light of hope at them end of a tunnel. He has to pull himself out.
He's a single task at a time type of person, so juggling school and work is not an option for him. I don't understand because I never had that option. I worked, I went to school, I paid my bills. I had my safety net, but I made it on my own. He's never been on his own. He says he's never really had anything worth fighting for. At least until now. However, if this is him fighting for us, I don't think the effort is going to be enough. He may win a few battles here and there but the war may consume him. I don't know if he can be the person I need him to be. And let's be honest, love is not enough. Maybe I have not had the privilege of feeling that strongly for someone. Maybe I'm just selfish. Maybe I'm just jaded. But I know in my heart of hearts that I would do whatever was in my power to keep my responsibilities in order.
More to follow...
My lack of headache may also be from finally unloading my stresses on my significant other. I had hit my limit. Being away from the relationship gave me the time I needed to think objectively. It's incredibly difficult to be able to think clearly when you're heavily involved in the day to day situations. I made excuses and justified his weaknesses instead of encouraging his growth. I enabled him to procrastinate and divert from his responsibilities to himself and in the meantime I was getting upset about feeling used because he was not meeting my expectations. That's not fair for either of us. So I laid it out.
First of all, I apologized for not being able to talk about my feeling face to face. I have always had a difficult time talking to my significant others. My therapist has pulled it out of me that it has to do with my deep-seeded need to stay quiet to stay out of trouble. Apparently my mommy issues have surfaced in my adult life. My therapist has me convinced that I find it difficult to speak with those I truly care for because of all the times I was punished for it as a child. It stems from the lack of approval from my mother. I trusted her as a child should be able to trust a parent, but she was manipulative and destructive. I am normally a social person, I can talk to just about anyone, but I find it damn near impossible to communicate with my significant other. On top of my mommy issues, I've been broken down in just about every relationship I've had, which comes back down to my lack of communication. I decided it's time to speak my mind no matter the cost. Because I can't be told that I'm living in insanity.
Anyway, I laid it out. I am an enabler, but I do expect my partner to be the person I can count on during hardship. I am not asking for much. Someone I can trust to take care of their self, someone who can complete household chores, someone who respects standards of living. Someone who cares.
He is an angry person. By no means is he a physically abusive person, but he harbors so much anger and resentment toward life. The negative impact is too much. Simple tasks like cooperative grocery shopping are a cause for alarm. I watch him, waiting for him to flip the switch and fly off the handle. It doesn't take much to set him off. The worst part is that he justifies his anger by making it the other person's fault. It's terribly unhealthy. Sometimes I wonder if he ever feels happiness. I have burned my brain on why he's so angry all of the time. I want to understand what essentially ruined a good man.
I've felt like he's given up, even with therapy and school, his life is a giant pile of mishaps. Some would say it's his lack of positive energy in the world. I would have to agree. But I also think it has something to do with his inability to see past himself and his own problems. Most days I hope to be the person to pull him out of his pit of self-loathing. I realize that I can't be anything more than a small light of hope at them end of a tunnel. He has to pull himself out.
He's a single task at a time type of person, so juggling school and work is not an option for him. I don't understand because I never had that option. I worked, I went to school, I paid my bills. I had my safety net, but I made it on my own. He's never been on his own. He says he's never really had anything worth fighting for. At least until now. However, if this is him fighting for us, I don't think the effort is going to be enough. He may win a few battles here and there but the war may consume him. I don't know if he can be the person I need him to be. And let's be honest, love is not enough. Maybe I have not had the privilege of feeling that strongly for someone. Maybe I'm just selfish. Maybe I'm just jaded. But I know in my heart of hearts that I would do whatever was in my power to keep my responsibilities in order.
More to follow...