Grasping
I find I'm having a hard time keeping hold of reality these days. So much has happened and much seems to just pass me by.
We visited Sarah in July around the weekend of the 4th and spent a wonderful few short days with her. Stephen came with us and we had lunch with our birth father. It was...awkward. The guys all talked shop and I fiddled with my straw trying to think of something to say. I did ask about his family... siblings. But that never went anywhere. He drank two beers despite telling me in an email that he "doesn't drink anymore." He gave us each hugs when we left and got all teary-eyed. It was kind of touching. Doesn't nearly make up for anything, but it is a start to a relationship.
Since then, he has texted and messaged me on FB and has come across as rather sincere in his well wishes for us and interest in our lives. I got several messages on my birthday whereas my Dad didn't even bother. And I got a very endearing sympathy message whereas my Dad called me back after the funeral drunk and then rambled on about how "she could be nasty at times, but she was a good woman" and how "your brother and you have special places in my heart, and you'll never lose that." Well, way to wait until the floor falls out to bother expressing anything.
Oh, right, I should explain. My Gran died suddenly on August 1st. On the last Tuesday in July she admitted herself into the hospital because she'd been experiencing nausea and arrhythmia. They ran a slew of tests and told us they were looking at infection being the most likely cause. That Friday, they were taking her to do a bone marrow biopsy. We had to infer for ourselves what that meant. That evening we were told that she had Acute Leukemia. She passed away early Tuesday morning.
I know it is hard to understand just how close I was to her and how this could break my heart so much. Yes, she was in her early 70s but she was in remarkable health up until those last few days. She wasn't just my grandmother, she was one of my best friends, a mentor in faith, a confidant, and more like a second mother. When we were growing up, and even when Mom could care for us on her own, she always was there at our concerts and she always made sure she we didn't want for anything. Every summer, she and I would spend days crafting. I'd spend a day cleaning for her and we'd chat over lunch. We'd got out to shop for school clothes and bond over "those crazy fashions." We talked on the phone nearly every week, and emailed almost daily. So, yes, I'm heartbroken. I feel as though a limb were suddenly gone. I go to send a quick email and realize she's not on the other end.
And I get the feeling that others think I should've moved on. I'm not at all wallowing, I'm doing my best to live my life, but I still hurt immensely and I feel incredibly isolated.
So, it's already November and I feel like I'm emotionally stuck standing there on the eve of August holding on for dear life, never wanting to let go. It's gotten colder, my birthday has come and gone, the leaves have alighted their glorious colors and fallen. And I am mourning my summer.
On top of this, Ben started a new job that pays more for way less responsibility and had promise of promotion within a year. Apparently, they can't keep the promotion promise and he's kind of miserable thinking that he'll just be a call center tech for years on end. So, we are looking at more change. And that just terrifies me in many ways.
And, for now, I've exhausted my emotions. I'm quite certain the only thing left for me to do is to watch some netflix and knit.
We visited Sarah in July around the weekend of the 4th and spent a wonderful few short days with her. Stephen came with us and we had lunch with our birth father. It was...awkward. The guys all talked shop and I fiddled with my straw trying to think of something to say. I did ask about his family... siblings. But that never went anywhere. He drank two beers despite telling me in an email that he "doesn't drink anymore." He gave us each hugs when we left and got all teary-eyed. It was kind of touching. Doesn't nearly make up for anything, but it is a start to a relationship.
Since then, he has texted and messaged me on FB and has come across as rather sincere in his well wishes for us and interest in our lives. I got several messages on my birthday whereas my Dad didn't even bother. And I got a very endearing sympathy message whereas my Dad called me back after the funeral drunk and then rambled on about how "she could be nasty at times, but she was a good woman" and how "your brother and you have special places in my heart, and you'll never lose that." Well, way to wait until the floor falls out to bother expressing anything.
Oh, right, I should explain. My Gran died suddenly on August 1st. On the last Tuesday in July she admitted herself into the hospital because she'd been experiencing nausea and arrhythmia. They ran a slew of tests and told us they were looking at infection being the most likely cause. That Friday, they were taking her to do a bone marrow biopsy. We had to infer for ourselves what that meant. That evening we were told that she had Acute Leukemia. She passed away early Tuesday morning.
I know it is hard to understand just how close I was to her and how this could break my heart so much. Yes, she was in her early 70s but she was in remarkable health up until those last few days. She wasn't just my grandmother, she was one of my best friends, a mentor in faith, a confidant, and more like a second mother. When we were growing up, and even when Mom could care for us on her own, she always was there at our concerts and she always made sure she we didn't want for anything. Every summer, she and I would spend days crafting. I'd spend a day cleaning for her and we'd chat over lunch. We'd got out to shop for school clothes and bond over "those crazy fashions." We talked on the phone nearly every week, and emailed almost daily. So, yes, I'm heartbroken. I feel as though a limb were suddenly gone. I go to send a quick email and realize she's not on the other end.
And I get the feeling that others think I should've moved on. I'm not at all wallowing, I'm doing my best to live my life, but I still hurt immensely and I feel incredibly isolated.
So, it's already November and I feel like I'm emotionally stuck standing there on the eve of August holding on for dear life, never wanting to let go. It's gotten colder, my birthday has come and gone, the leaves have alighted their glorious colors and fallen. And I am mourning my summer.
On top of this, Ben started a new job that pays more for way less responsibility and had promise of promotion within a year. Apparently, they can't keep the promotion promise and he's kind of miserable thinking that he'll just be a call center tech for years on end. So, we are looking at more change. And that just terrifies me in many ways.
And, for now, I've exhausted my emotions. I'm quite certain the only thing left for me to do is to watch some netflix and knit.