the pressure is gonna make me explode

[xtragicbeautiex]

i can't go to college. i can't even think about it without panicking. i don't know what to do. i don't have the time right now to deal with the stupid shit of getting into college. i just want to get into one. everyone else is finding out all about what college they got in to while i'm sitting here clueless and i haven't even handed anything but applications in. i hate this whole process. i wish i was a freshman, a sophmore, or a junior. i suck at life. i'm so tired and sick of school. why do teachers put so much on us? i can't take it anymore. i have so much to do and not enough hours in the day to do it all. don't they see all this stress they add? i'm going crazy. i need a break from it all and it's only the first day back. i need to start studying for midterms. they are in 9 days and counting. i don't know what i'm going to do. i just need to move out and be done with school. be carefree. and i've done horrible on my SATs. i won't even be surprised if i don't get in to any college at all. i just want this to be over with. i hate my life right now. it's too hard. i feel like i can't go on with it and i don't know who to talk to. Sayre has enough worries with his school. i don't want to stress him out even more. ahhh... i feel like i'm just going to break. i don't know what to do. somebody needs to save me from myself. what happens if i never go to college? all my dreams are gone. i'm trying so hard. it doesn't even matter any more. i think i took on too much. i don't think i can handle all of this. not now. it's hard. i need to graduate. i'm trying so so hard. please, i need help with all of this. i can't grasp this concept. i don't want to grow up. i want to stay young forever. i want to be more mature. i want to be able to grasp all of this. tomorrow... i will figure everything out. i will make myself better. tomorrow... i will get all my college stuff done... all of my homework... i will work so hard tomorrow. and then the next day. i am determined to do good. to make my dreams come true. i will NOT let this get away from me. i am strong. i am smart. i have the power to make things happen. i am going to make things happen. everyone doubts me but you will all see what i become.

is it wrong for me to wish i had someone who cared about me unconditionally... forever? is it wrong to wish i could start my life now? i feel guilty for thinking i need to start stuff now. i feel wrong for thinking it. i feel immature... but at the same time, mature about wanting something like that. about wanting to be on my own... support myself. at the same time, i know i can't do that. but as soon as i'm 18... i am going to make it all on my own... no matter what it takes. i am moving out of this house this summer... moving down to Boston and going to college there in the fall... i am so determined... tomorrow is a brand new day... a fresh start... a new day to start the next step towards my dream... but as for now, bed is my next step.... goodnight