(no subject)
i'm in love with my adopted big brother-
the one i sleep with almost every night.
he pulls me close to fill the void his bipolar ex left.
it's so obvious he's used to sleeping next to a girl from the way his body becomes a pillow and how he shapes himself around me.
the first time he kissed me was soon after we met.
four in the morning and i was drifting in and out of sleep and he was exhausted from emt-ing.
my head was on his lap.
he stopped himself-
and told me that he didn't want to "mess me up".
but wanting to be messed up in that particular way is a familiar feeling.
the second time was after he and his roommate adopted me.
we three had stayed up far too late, drinking and talking.
they'd gotten to the poetic point of
"you are such an awesome person and we frickin' love you"
and
"your life here is going to be amazing".
his roommate went into the other room to sleep or went into the bathroom or something,
and he's sitting on the floor not six inches from me and he pulls me close and kisses me
hard
short
pulls back and asks "would you believe me
if i said that was completely platonic?"
i don't want to
said my heart
"i can try"
said my lips
his reply:
"well... maybe 95%?"
"i can try,"
i said again, trying to keep the shaking out of my voice.
in this small school,
it's so easy to find someone over and over.
he works where i eat.
emt's at the events i'm at.
and dances salsa with me almost every night.
my best friend met him for the first time and said,
"oh my GOD you guys are so cute!"
but this cute, to me, is brother-sister cute.
we stayed up too late again last night as he taught me about the linguistic implications of ASL and home sign.
i slept through my first class-
next to him.
it was so worth it.
but he's not into me.
obviously.
and so here i am, sitting and waiting for him [a '10] to turn around and see me [a '14] as something more than a stray cat to adopt [again?].
i understand that he's still dealing with the aftermath of his last relationship.
[i've met her.
she's nice.
we could easily be friends if it wasn't for him.]
i want to be honesty, simplicity, in his life.
so this might doing nothing.
staying out of it.
making him tea when he loses his fucking voice at work
[and has to sign]
and providing an unending supply of backrubs.
i always pick the impossible ones.
so this is college.
the one i sleep with almost every night.
he pulls me close to fill the void his bipolar ex left.
it's so obvious he's used to sleeping next to a girl from the way his body becomes a pillow and how he shapes himself around me.
the first time he kissed me was soon after we met.
four in the morning and i was drifting in and out of sleep and he was exhausted from emt-ing.
my head was on his lap.
he stopped himself-
and told me that he didn't want to "mess me up".
but wanting to be messed up in that particular way is a familiar feeling.
the second time was after he and his roommate adopted me.
we three had stayed up far too late, drinking and talking.
they'd gotten to the poetic point of
"you are such an awesome person and we frickin' love you"
and
"your life here is going to be amazing".
his roommate went into the other room to sleep or went into the bathroom or something,
and he's sitting on the floor not six inches from me and he pulls me close and kisses me
hard
short
pulls back and asks "would you believe me
if i said that was completely platonic?"
i don't want to
said my heart
"i can try"
said my lips
his reply:
"well... maybe 95%?"
"i can try,"
i said again, trying to keep the shaking out of my voice.
in this small school,
it's so easy to find someone over and over.
he works where i eat.
emt's at the events i'm at.
and dances salsa with me almost every night.
my best friend met him for the first time and said,
"oh my GOD you guys are so cute!"
but this cute, to me, is brother-sister cute.
we stayed up too late again last night as he taught me about the linguistic implications of ASL and home sign.
i slept through my first class-
next to him.
it was so worth it.
but he's not into me.
obviously.
and so here i am, sitting and waiting for him [a '10] to turn around and see me [a '14] as something more than a stray cat to adopt [again?].
i understand that he's still dealing with the aftermath of his last relationship.
[i've met her.
she's nice.
we could easily be friends if it wasn't for him.]
i want to be honesty, simplicity, in his life.
so this might doing nothing.
staying out of it.
making him tea when he loses his fucking voice at work
[and has to sign]
and providing an unending supply of backrubs.
i always pick the impossible ones.
so this is college.