Believe me, she's out there
I went out last night. I came home very, very late. I laid in bed and fell asleep to The Best Little Whorehouse In Texas. I woke up at 6am to the sound of Blink182's What's My Age Again coming from the TV. I was confused by the images on the screen...Michelle Pfeiffer and Paul Rudd in a romantic comedy montage? What? I groggily pressed the info button on the remote and apparently it was a movie called I Will Never Be Your Woman or something like that.
Anyways. That was hours and hours ago. Now it's 3pm and I'm laying on the couch watching Sex and the City episodes. I can't bring myself to do any work. I guess that's what I get for having been out all night. I will do some work on internships and things as soon as I feel...inspired. As soon as I feel...up to it.
Ugh. I feel...ugh. I guess it's the effects of having gone out and drank and eaten fast food TWICE in one night.
I will get work done though. I will. I mean, I have all day. I've got nothing planned and on one to distract me.
I really don't want to come back to LJ and post nothing but negative posts. I realize that's what I've been doing, but it's negative feelings that have inspired me to come back and write. I need a place to expel my demons and I don't know where else to go.
I started going to therapy again this year. I had found a therapist I liked back in winter of '09, but then I went to Nicaragua for Christmas, and when I came back 2010 exploded in my face and I just didn't feel like indulging in it more than I was already being forced to indulge. Plus, I soon found myself without a job and no insurance to cover therapy anyways.
This year I feel prepared to face my demons again and I have insurance to help me. I went back to the same lady last month. I told her that 2011 was the year for big decisions and that I just couldn't turn 30 next year without fixing my life.
So.
Therapy leaves me feeling...a little lighter but emotionally exhausted. On days I have therapy I always want to go home afterward and just lay down and breathe. I guess I still feel that way today--on top of the exhaustion from last night. I feel drained and glum.
I enjoy watching Sex and the City. I always have. It's funny to find it a little dated now, and some of Carrie's puns and jokes, some of the scenes, are a little ridiculous. But I enjoy watching the show because...it helps me think about things. About being a woman and having relationships and aging. The latter are of particular importance to me right now. I can't believe where I'm at in my relationships and I can't believe I'm turning 30 next year.
Yesterday I expressed my feelings about marriage to my therapist and she observed that I am cynical. It's true, I am. Very much so. And it's sad. What makes me really sad about it is that I feel like I can never undo it now. Now is the time when people start making really big commitments in their lives, now is the time people are taking leaps of faith and making vows for their future. I have no faith, I won't allow myself to have illusions or delusions about the future, I can't make any vows. I don't believe that anything is going to work. No matter what I choose to do, it's not going to work.
Negative. I know. What an unfortunate outlook. It's not going to get my anywhere. But, there you go.
Sex and the City is over. Keeping up with the Kardashians is on now. I don't really want to watch that. Gah. What a stupid funk I'm in.
Anyways. That was hours and hours ago. Now it's 3pm and I'm laying on the couch watching Sex and the City episodes. I can't bring myself to do any work. I guess that's what I get for having been out all night. I will do some work on internships and things as soon as I feel...inspired. As soon as I feel...up to it.
Ugh. I feel...ugh. I guess it's the effects of having gone out and drank and eaten fast food TWICE in one night.
I will get work done though. I will. I mean, I have all day. I've got nothing planned and on one to distract me.
I really don't want to come back to LJ and post nothing but negative posts. I realize that's what I've been doing, but it's negative feelings that have inspired me to come back and write. I need a place to expel my demons and I don't know where else to go.
I started going to therapy again this year. I had found a therapist I liked back in winter of '09, but then I went to Nicaragua for Christmas, and when I came back 2010 exploded in my face and I just didn't feel like indulging in it more than I was already being forced to indulge. Plus, I soon found myself without a job and no insurance to cover therapy anyways.
This year I feel prepared to face my demons again and I have insurance to help me. I went back to the same lady last month. I told her that 2011 was the year for big decisions and that I just couldn't turn 30 next year without fixing my life.
So.
Therapy leaves me feeling...a little lighter but emotionally exhausted. On days I have therapy I always want to go home afterward and just lay down and breathe. I guess I still feel that way today--on top of the exhaustion from last night. I feel drained and glum.
I enjoy watching Sex and the City. I always have. It's funny to find it a little dated now, and some of Carrie's puns and jokes, some of the scenes, are a little ridiculous. But I enjoy watching the show because...it helps me think about things. About being a woman and having relationships and aging. The latter are of particular importance to me right now. I can't believe where I'm at in my relationships and I can't believe I'm turning 30 next year.
Yesterday I expressed my feelings about marriage to my therapist and she observed that I am cynical. It's true, I am. Very much so. And it's sad. What makes me really sad about it is that I feel like I can never undo it now. Now is the time when people start making really big commitments in their lives, now is the time people are taking leaps of faith and making vows for their future. I have no faith, I won't allow myself to have illusions or delusions about the future, I can't make any vows. I don't believe that anything is going to work. No matter what I choose to do, it's not going to work.
Negative. I know. What an unfortunate outlook. It's not going to get my anywhere. But, there you go.
Sex and the City is over. Keeping up with the Kardashians is on now. I don't really want to watch that. Gah. What a stupid funk I'm in.