(no subject)
I feel shitty today.
I feel overwhelmed and like I'm lagging a million years behind everyone else. I am bogged down by the notion that I am doing the worst out of everyone in my class, that I am the only person who doesn't understand what's going on in any of our lectures. I feel like I have an enormous mountain to climb ahead of me and I am not fit to do so.
I can hear some of my classmates right now. They're discussing a project that is due at the end of February. I can't even wrap my head around the exam I have on Thursday.
"Sounds like we have a good flow here," says the bitch who stole my seat at the beginning of the year. Because of her fucking inability to uphold the unspoken social contract, I now I sit in a seat I can't stand. Sometimes I even suspect that the shitty feeling I've had all quarter has a lot to do with this seat and how much I fucking hate it. The classroom is shaped like a U and I now sit on the very end of the left leg. On the very tip, where every professor either gives you their back or their side and every slide on the screen is at an angle.
God, I wish they would fucking shut up or go somewhere else to discuss their shit.
Not going to lie, on days like this I want to quit. My pride, if nothing else, prevents me from doing so. But sometimes...sometimes I am tired of trying to "fake it til I make it." On days like today I have the overwhelming desire to stop faking it and give in to my mediocrity. Faking it til you make it should be a tool, not a lifestyle. What does it say about me when I am faking 95% of myself? No, I don't give a shit about internships in the summer. No, I don't give a shit about that new article about whatever the fuck. No, I don't care that Radiohead is putting a new album out. No, I don't care what that a speaker for X company has to say. So why am I here?
I am here to hate myself less. Yeah, pretty much. If I weren't here, I'd be at some job I can't stand and I'd be faking even more things. At least being part of a program gives me a facade to work with.
But really? I'm lazy and all I want to do is lie around. I can't be bothered.
I feel really shitty. Really shitty.
I feel overwhelmed and like I'm lagging a million years behind everyone else. I am bogged down by the notion that I am doing the worst out of everyone in my class, that I am the only person who doesn't understand what's going on in any of our lectures. I feel like I have an enormous mountain to climb ahead of me and I am not fit to do so.
I can hear some of my classmates right now. They're discussing a project that is due at the end of February. I can't even wrap my head around the exam I have on Thursday.
"Sounds like we have a good flow here," says the bitch who stole my seat at the beginning of the year. Because of her fucking inability to uphold the unspoken social contract, I now I sit in a seat I can't stand. Sometimes I even suspect that the shitty feeling I've had all quarter has a lot to do with this seat and how much I fucking hate it. The classroom is shaped like a U and I now sit on the very end of the left leg. On the very tip, where every professor either gives you their back or their side and every slide on the screen is at an angle.
God, I wish they would fucking shut up or go somewhere else to discuss their shit.
Not going to lie, on days like this I want to quit. My pride, if nothing else, prevents me from doing so. But sometimes...sometimes I am tired of trying to "fake it til I make it." On days like today I have the overwhelming desire to stop faking it and give in to my mediocrity. Faking it til you make it should be a tool, not a lifestyle. What does it say about me when I am faking 95% of myself? No, I don't give a shit about internships in the summer. No, I don't give a shit about that new article about whatever the fuck. No, I don't care that Radiohead is putting a new album out. No, I don't care what that a speaker for X company has to say. So why am I here?
I am here to hate myself less. Yeah, pretty much. If I weren't here, I'd be at some job I can't stand and I'd be faking even more things. At least being part of a program gives me a facade to work with.
But really? I'm lazy and all I want to do is lie around. I can't be bothered.
I feel really shitty. Really shitty.