i melt every time you look at me that way
Well today was interesting lol. Didn't get up til 12:30. It was some good times. Sat around for a while. Had a bowling meet. Started off shitty ended it not so shitty. Went and saw King Kong with Kirk. Good movie! Too many big scary bats, though :(.
So today I realized something. Well, I think I've realized it before, but it just hit me today. People say they're afraid of love, they say they're afraid of committment and they say they're afraid of losing the one they love. But they aren't afraid of any of that. The committment is not what they are afraid of. It's the heartbreak. It's opening yourself up and getting hurt. That's what it is. It's being afraid of being forgotten, of waking up every day feeling sad. They're afraid of feeling like the committment was a waste of time. You can't be afraid of love. Love is too happy a thing to be afraid of. You are afraid of what love can do to you, the things it can make you do, the way it can make you feel when you realize the one you love doesn't love you. You aren't afraid of losing the one you love. You are afraid of what that's going to do to you. I don't know I feel stupid writing about this, because I feel like it's so obvious and why didn't it hit me sooner?
I'm speaking from experience here. I thought I was afraid of love and committment. But I'm not. I'm afraid of what those things did to me. Waking up in the morning to realize it was just a dream, to remember hey that's not how it is anymore, or to still give up so much just to show him that I'm not as dumb as he thinks, that I really can be a good person and not mess around like that, only to figure out he doesn't give a shit. THAT is what I'm afraid of. And I'm really hoping that it's not gonna have to come to that. That he will notice and realize and take into account the fact that I am trying so hard to prove myself to him, that I am working at not only telling him, but SHOWING him that I still do love him despite what I may have done.
...We'll see, I guess.
So today I realized something. Well, I think I've realized it before, but it just hit me today. People say they're afraid of love, they say they're afraid of committment and they say they're afraid of losing the one they love. But they aren't afraid of any of that. The committment is not what they are afraid of. It's the heartbreak. It's opening yourself up and getting hurt. That's what it is. It's being afraid of being forgotten, of waking up every day feeling sad. They're afraid of feeling like the committment was a waste of time. You can't be afraid of love. Love is too happy a thing to be afraid of. You are afraid of what love can do to you, the things it can make you do, the way it can make you feel when you realize the one you love doesn't love you. You aren't afraid of losing the one you love. You are afraid of what that's going to do to you. I don't know I feel stupid writing about this, because I feel like it's so obvious and why didn't it hit me sooner?
I'm speaking from experience here. I thought I was afraid of love and committment. But I'm not. I'm afraid of what those things did to me. Waking up in the morning to realize it was just a dream, to remember hey that's not how it is anymore, or to still give up so much just to show him that I'm not as dumb as he thinks, that I really can be a good person and not mess around like that, only to figure out he doesn't give a shit. THAT is what I'm afraid of. And I'm really hoping that it's not gonna have to come to that. That he will notice and realize and take into account the fact that I am trying so hard to prove myself to him, that I am working at not only telling him, but SHOWING him that I still do love him despite what I may have done.
...We'll see, I guess.