Hope
One day its there, that maybe we will get back together. and the next its just not. Because its a stupid thought. it seems no matter what i do its the wrong thing, we had sex. and it was wrong because we're not together and i don't care if i'm thinking about it or worrying about it too much.
but i wanted it, I wanted to feel his lips against mine and his body against mine, I hate not being able to do that. i hate that i'm not supposed to do all this stuff. I hate that i just made him more confused. It was all my fault. I confessed to him that i thought it was weird and wrong that I wanted to kiss him, and then we sat, staring into each others eyes for about 10 minutes and then it happened, we kissed, and that kissing led to...you know.
What i want to hear right now more than anything is him telling me its ok. telling me that its gonna be fine. That he doesn't hate me for what happened because I know that what did happen, would have just confused him more. and i get the feeling he only did it because i wanted it. not because he wanted it too. because he hates seeing me upset. And if he did do it for that reason, it makes me more upset because i don't want him to be sacrificing his happiness for the sake of mine.
I love him so much and nothings ever going to change my love for him. this entire thing thats happening between us is killing me, the pure thought of not kissing him, not being with him, not holding his hand, not being...together...makes me wanna suffocate.
I want more than anything to just be happy again. to be with him. Tom's the only one i feel i can talk to anymore because he's completely impartial. fair enough he's my best friend, but he's not here. all he see's are words on paper and he can give me any advice he thinks is best. and i'll think about it.
But in the end, no matter what anyone says, I'm guna hurt, and I'm not guna stop hurting, because its just my stupid hopes and dreams that have been crushed.
I just wish i didn't have any.
but i wanted it, I wanted to feel his lips against mine and his body against mine, I hate not being able to do that. i hate that i'm not supposed to do all this stuff. I hate that i just made him more confused. It was all my fault. I confessed to him that i thought it was weird and wrong that I wanted to kiss him, and then we sat, staring into each others eyes for about 10 minutes and then it happened, we kissed, and that kissing led to...you know.
What i want to hear right now more than anything is him telling me its ok. telling me that its gonna be fine. That he doesn't hate me for what happened because I know that what did happen, would have just confused him more. and i get the feeling he only did it because i wanted it. not because he wanted it too. because he hates seeing me upset. And if he did do it for that reason, it makes me more upset because i don't want him to be sacrificing his happiness for the sake of mine.
I love him so much and nothings ever going to change my love for him. this entire thing thats happening between us is killing me, the pure thought of not kissing him, not being with him, not holding his hand, not being...together...makes me wanna suffocate.
I want more than anything to just be happy again. to be with him. Tom's the only one i feel i can talk to anymore because he's completely impartial. fair enough he's my best friend, but he's not here. all he see's are words on paper and he can give me any advice he thinks is best. and i'll think about it.
But in the end, no matter what anyone says, I'm guna hurt, and I'm not guna stop hurting, because its just my stupid hopes and dreams that have been crushed.
I just wish i didn't have any.