Jealousy
We're as bad as each other, both expecting the other not to flirt with other people despite the fact we know we love each other and then both hating it when they do and yet do it ourselves. i didnt enjoy watching sammy massage pauls shoulders while he massaged carries. he barely massaged me when we were together. i dont do things like ask for massages. i think its cheeky. but then again carrie gets away with cheek. i don't. i really hated it. and i felt like dying when "all about you" came on. i had to go upstairs for a few mins 2 compose myself before coming back down. started crying while i looked at pictures on my fone of the backstreet boys concert and remembering that was the night two of my dreams came true. its just a shame both of them have come crumbling down. I don't know what to do. I feel like he's already decided and I'm the stupid one waiting for him to change his mind. it doesn't feel like he's even trying to think about whether he wants to be with me. he just gets moody when i ask him things. I'm sick of feeling bad. I CAN'T HELP IT. I'M IN FUCKING LOVE WITH YOU! WHAT DO YOU EXPECT?! all day every day all i wanna do is cry and I can't cuz i gotta smile like nothings happened, and pretend he's not hurting me. no-one gives a shit whether i'm hurting. I put my head on his shoulder...back in the day...he would have immediately put his arm around me and let me rest on his chest. instead. he tensed up. I just don't know what to do. i know of the chance of us getting back together. but i also know the chance of us not and its killing me. the pure thought makes me want to go and live in america with my dad AWAY from all this pain. i just can't stand it.