(no subject)
Its really late, and I have class in the morning. But I feel that I need to talk about this, its really hurting me. College to me has been a roller coaster of ups and downs. The fraternity life is really taking its toll on me, but I guess I wouldn’t really ask for anything more, I’ve created strong friendships with my fraternity brothers, but I feel like I’m missing something. I wish I had friends who were freshmen in college, who are going though this same transition, but then its not. But I guess the thing that is hurting me the most is Alicia.
Alicia for the past nine months has became the greatest influence and motivation ever. I would go as far to say, as I love her. But lately since I came to college, my relationship with her has come spiraling down. God I miss her and all I want her to be is happy, I really wish she could or would see this. But then again the relationship has and is no longer. The only things I can think of is I joining a fraternity and I being so far away. I know that being apart of a fraternity takes very large chunks out of your day and that there are very large commitments to that, and I know there are parties on the weekend and so on. Then also I think with Alicia being at western and me being at wsu its hurting me so much. I called her today and told her that I was probably going up to Bellingham this weekend, but see seemed passive at the idea. I would think that she would be excited for me to see her, but then again she doesn’t care. This relationship is fucking me up. I am fucking crazy about her, you would think being in a fraternity, that there are sorority girls all around, but to be honest, I don’t give a shit about other girls. It isn’t like I go around comparing them to Alicia, because I know I fucking love her. I am honest in what I say. Which brings me to this topic of her dumping me, I don’t know why. I do sort of but I know that was just he iceberg, I don’t know the real truth behind it. I just don’t get it, I am doing all I can to give her a lasting relationship and she tends to get annoyed, pissed off and stuff. College messed up this relationship, but for some reason I cant blame college. Dammit, I love her so much, I just feel so hurt from when she gets pissed at me and then when she doesn’t talk to me and when she yells at me. It puts in, ups and downs. I’m crazy about her, but I don’t know if she ever loved me as much as I loved her. I mean I would honestly go to bed thinking about her, I miss holding on to her and kissing her. I just wish we were closer together, I know then all this crap wont be happening.
This also brings me to another sad point; I was reading her old LJ entries about her ex boyfriend. The Ex before me. And she was writing about how she “loved him” and how he is her “knight and shining armor” etc. I don’t know, I feel that I never could live up to that, that I never made her this giddy about me. Maybe this relationship had a prolong death or something. But I look back at it, I realized that our relationship just grew stronger because we were able to work though tough times. But now its over, I guess. I still am freaking crazy in love with her and would do things to the very limits for her, but she is gone. Well she isn’t gone per say, but she just took a saw to my heard and cut a big whole in it and tossed it somewhere. Its like I have very much strong feelings for her, but she seems to have just burnt hers. I don’t know. Being a friend with Alicia sucks, but being without her will suck even more. Will I get over Alicia? Maybe in a long time, but she will always be in the back of my mind. I wont let anyone else hurt her; I hope I never hurt her either. She gave me her favorite ring, and I put it on my key chain, so that I will always be able to reach into my pocket and think of Alicia, my dearest girl. She has changed everything in my life and she has supported me throughout, I love her and forever will that stay.
Alicia for the past nine months has became the greatest influence and motivation ever. I would go as far to say, as I love her. But lately since I came to college, my relationship with her has come spiraling down. God I miss her and all I want her to be is happy, I really wish she could or would see this. But then again the relationship has and is no longer. The only things I can think of is I joining a fraternity and I being so far away. I know that being apart of a fraternity takes very large chunks out of your day and that there are very large commitments to that, and I know there are parties on the weekend and so on. Then also I think with Alicia being at western and me being at wsu its hurting me so much. I called her today and told her that I was probably going up to Bellingham this weekend, but see seemed passive at the idea. I would think that she would be excited for me to see her, but then again she doesn’t care. This relationship is fucking me up. I am fucking crazy about her, you would think being in a fraternity, that there are sorority girls all around, but to be honest, I don’t give a shit about other girls. It isn’t like I go around comparing them to Alicia, because I know I fucking love her. I am honest in what I say. Which brings me to this topic of her dumping me, I don’t know why. I do sort of but I know that was just he iceberg, I don’t know the real truth behind it. I just don’t get it, I am doing all I can to give her a lasting relationship and she tends to get annoyed, pissed off and stuff. College messed up this relationship, but for some reason I cant blame college. Dammit, I love her so much, I just feel so hurt from when she gets pissed at me and then when she doesn’t talk to me and when she yells at me. It puts in, ups and downs. I’m crazy about her, but I don’t know if she ever loved me as much as I loved her. I mean I would honestly go to bed thinking about her, I miss holding on to her and kissing her. I just wish we were closer together, I know then all this crap wont be happening.
This also brings me to another sad point; I was reading her old LJ entries about her ex boyfriend. The Ex before me. And she was writing about how she “loved him” and how he is her “knight and shining armor” etc. I don’t know, I feel that I never could live up to that, that I never made her this giddy about me. Maybe this relationship had a prolong death or something. But I look back at it, I realized that our relationship just grew stronger because we were able to work though tough times. But now its over, I guess. I still am freaking crazy in love with her and would do things to the very limits for her, but she is gone. Well she isn’t gone per say, but she just took a saw to my heard and cut a big whole in it and tossed it somewhere. Its like I have very much strong feelings for her, but she seems to have just burnt hers. I don’t know. Being a friend with Alicia sucks, but being without her will suck even more. Will I get over Alicia? Maybe in a long time, but she will always be in the back of my mind. I wont let anyone else hurt her; I hope I never hurt her either. She gave me her favorite ring, and I put it on my key chain, so that I will always be able to reach into my pocket and think of Alicia, my dearest girl. She has changed everything in my life and she has supported me throughout, I love her and forever will that stay.