(no subject)
I am seriously at my breaking point.
I only have one more day of classes left.
I can't wait for Russian next semester. I finally feel like I might be able to understand an ounce, you know?
I don't know why it is so much harder than chinese. I was thinking last night, if I should quit studying Russian and continue with Chinese instead. I really want to go back to China again. But I love Irina so much, of course I am going to continue with Russian.
I was wondering what type of engineering I want to be in. I was also questioning everything yesterday. lol. Of course. I'm just so sad these days. There is a guy who likes me, but all I want is a friend and I don't wanna lead him on. I am just so fragile right now, that simple words really hurt me. After tuesday I was wondering if I can really be an engineer. But I just am starting to realize how amazingly well I understand mathematics and physics/kinetics, well relative to the rest of my class.
For the first time in my life I am a hard working student, resulting, also for the first time in my life in grade expectations. I worked unbelievably hard on my last drawing assignment. I handed it in with a huge smile on my face. I was thinking, if this isn't a 100% what is??!! I knew I couldn't have done anything what so ever to make it better. However I only got a 7/10. I drew it to scale, I used properly formated references, what the heck else could they want?! I wrote a paragraph that cleverly combined hemp and flax seed insulation with the design of densly packed penguin feathers and only to get a modest 70%. And then it hit me. This is why jackie feels so upset. She has grade expectations all the time. I've never had them before. But the whole thing is you can't be disappointed if you don't have any expectations!
In the end though, it's not about a grade or a mark. Truly I can't be that shallow. I want to learn for the sake of learning and improving myself. That grade wont help me in the real world, however that skill to push through and go the extra mile on projects will. And that should be good enough for me.
Fuck man. Im so emotionally upset. I'm just so warn out. I feel so alone right now, I'd like to date but everything in the world is stopping me. I'd like someone to be there for me. I'd like to be there for someone. But everyone, including the people I like, I just keep so damn far. Just so damn far. Cause I'm in control. And by not allowing myself to indulge in love, I am simply starving myself for affection and in the process only teasing the ones around me and myself. We are carrots dangling in front of each other and by resisting, we are ceasing control.
I realized I'm really, affected by only one thing in life: the opinion of others! It kills me when someone doesn't like me or I've upset/hurt someone. That's why I'm always sad because it's impossible to never upset someone. I hate this mentality. I would never date the guy I like, because a) what would other people think?! b) I hate being seen as someone who can be vulnerable c)people always judge. Even I do. This could never happen cause I'd always be looking over my shoulders to see what other peoples reactions are. This is so messed up.
I hate being such a vulnerable, aloof girl.
fuck.
I only have one more day of classes left.
I can't wait for Russian next semester. I finally feel like I might be able to understand an ounce, you know?
I don't know why it is so much harder than chinese. I was thinking last night, if I should quit studying Russian and continue with Chinese instead. I really want to go back to China again. But I love Irina so much, of course I am going to continue with Russian.
I was wondering what type of engineering I want to be in. I was also questioning everything yesterday. lol. Of course. I'm just so sad these days. There is a guy who likes me, but all I want is a friend and I don't wanna lead him on. I am just so fragile right now, that simple words really hurt me. After tuesday I was wondering if I can really be an engineer. But I just am starting to realize how amazingly well I understand mathematics and physics/kinetics, well relative to the rest of my class.
For the first time in my life I am a hard working student, resulting, also for the first time in my life in grade expectations. I worked unbelievably hard on my last drawing assignment. I handed it in with a huge smile on my face. I was thinking, if this isn't a 100% what is??!! I knew I couldn't have done anything what so ever to make it better. However I only got a 7/10. I drew it to scale, I used properly formated references, what the heck else could they want?! I wrote a paragraph that cleverly combined hemp and flax seed insulation with the design of densly packed penguin feathers and only to get a modest 70%. And then it hit me. This is why jackie feels so upset. She has grade expectations all the time. I've never had them before. But the whole thing is you can't be disappointed if you don't have any expectations!
In the end though, it's not about a grade or a mark. Truly I can't be that shallow. I want to learn for the sake of learning and improving myself. That grade wont help me in the real world, however that skill to push through and go the extra mile on projects will. And that should be good enough for me.
Fuck man. Im so emotionally upset. I'm just so warn out. I feel so alone right now, I'd like to date but everything in the world is stopping me. I'd like someone to be there for me. I'd like to be there for someone. But everyone, including the people I like, I just keep so damn far. Just so damn far. Cause I'm in control. And by not allowing myself to indulge in love, I am simply starving myself for affection and in the process only teasing the ones around me and myself. We are carrots dangling in front of each other and by resisting, we are ceasing control.
I realized I'm really, affected by only one thing in life: the opinion of others! It kills me when someone doesn't like me or I've upset/hurt someone. That's why I'm always sad because it's impossible to never upset someone. I hate this mentality. I would never date the guy I like, because a) what would other people think?! b) I hate being seen as someone who can be vulnerable c)people always judge. Even I do. This could never happen cause I'd always be looking over my shoulders to see what other peoples reactions are. This is so messed up.
I hate being such a vulnerable, aloof girl.
fuck.