Life is like Solitaire
Life is like solitare; you're dealt things through life, much like cards, not sure of what you're going to get. It can be played by one person at a time, strategically choosing the right moves to be able to win. Life, is much in the same, very similar to this. I came to this conclusion about ten minutes ago, after analyzing things that have happened since this time last year. Life was going well, I was IN SCHOOL, struggling, but still managing. I was helping my friend Dee, deal with what I'm going through right now; the only thing is that I don't really have anyone around to understand truly how I'm feeling, how I'm coping, etc. I can't help but feel that my friends have not forgotten me, but almost lost all interest in attempting to contact me, except for approximately 5-6 people who I keep in contact every so often, most of them are new(er) friends than others. I sometimes hate myself for not being the best in school, for not doing everything I could to stay in school, but deep down, I know I tried my hardest and I wouldn't go back and try to change ANYTHING. I have the best friends from UVM, Vermont, and elsewhere, have gained the respect and appreciation of so many people in my life and I couldn't be happier, or could I? Not being in school has driven me insane these past 2 months, and yes I say two months because well, February is over. Another thing that has prompted me to write this entry is the fact that I have been used by some people in the past year, which has made me really realize my respect for myself and that I cannot be used anymore. That is my new year's resolution, about 7-8 weeks late, but hey, better than not even having one. Life has taken a complete 180 for me, which is totally okay since I am working 2 jobs, living at home, and paying rent for a room, which has no door separating my brothers and my room, and no dresser.... but things could be much worse. I could be living on the street, with no money and my car repossessed but they aren't. Also, another thing I have to deal with is seeing all of my friends in uber cute relationships, where as I haven't been in one in 5 years, not that I'm rushing into one or even close to rushing into one, but I'm entirely scared shitless to be in one because I don't want to be one of those super clingy people who has to talk to you like every waking moment of the day, but the reason it's a big fear of mine is because I haven't been in something with someone for so long. But I've come to the conclusion that I dislike being single and just want someone to care for me like I care about everyone in my life. Some of the people who were such good friends to me, I've drifted and have gotten annoyed by them because of the way they act and how irresponsible they are because well, they're older than me. Life throws curveballs, screwballs, and fastballs at you; you just have to know how to catch and handle all of them appropriately, otherwise you get hit in the shins or something else and will get seriously in deep trouble. One day at a time, everything happens for a reason. Things all come out in the wash and I lost my flow so bare with me. This is going to be a long entry.
Life after UVM: Moved home, moved away from ALL of my CLOSEST friends, moved from my real HOME, dealing with working 2 jobs, a mom who broke her hip, and living in a room where I have no privacy.
Points for my life taking a rough path: 300
Points for my life taking the path I wanted: -5497
Things will all happen eventually for me, I'm in no rush. I'm 20, but part of me thinks that I'm going to live a life much similar to that of the game of solitaire *bringing myself back to my main reason why I'm writing*; playing out my life in solitude because I can't find people who appreciate me for who I am. I'm either a) too nice and taken advantage of, b) too nice and people don't like that, or c) too nice and are convenient when I'm around, but otherwise, forgotten about until I'm around again. I can't stand being alone, I have absolutely no friends, well except for Leah, at home, which kind of sucks since she has school, schoolwork, and she's engaged and has a life, unlike me, which I really don't seem to have much of one. As I told Leah last night, "I feel like I'm living the movie, Groundhog Day." The truth is, I really do feel that way. I get up, go to work, come home, go on the computer, after changing out of work clothing, eat, change into pjs (or go to sleep to work an overnight), watch tv, then go to bed and get up and do the same fucking thing all over again the next day. I dunno, maybe it's depression from not being in school, since all I knew for my whole life was school and school work and always being busy with that. I would give anything to go back to school this instant, but I a) have no money, b) cant enroll 1/2 way thru a semester and c) am not really sure what I want to do. I am just doing a lot of thinking and stuff and I guess it is finally so built up that I need to vent.
I'm like working really hard to get over the girl who I said, "I love you," to back in September, but part of me doesn't want to give up hope that someday we'll be together. This is not the main root of the problem to be in a relationship, but definitely something that I'm working on and dealing with. Another thing is that I passed up an opportunity to be with someone who I really was into, all because I was "involved" with someone who eventually used me in the long run and now I'm realizing how happy I could be with this person. She is very happy, very content and I wish nothing but the best for them (her and her fiance). I look at her and see this glow I didn't see before and I'm just so happy to be there for her and supportive of her and stuff. I really am. There are no "shoulda, coulda, woulda's" in life you can go back to, as my mom said the other day, "There's no going back, but only forward." I look to each day as one to be better than the last. I live each day to the fullest potential, even if I am working or doing absolutely nothing staying at home with my family. It's the memories and the things we do in life that matter the most, not how much money you make or making your partner happy, but focusing on yourself, taking time out to take care of yourself in the long run is the most important thing. I have friends who worry about me because I worry too much about everyone else and it super stresses me out, not dealing with my own shit. I guess this is just a lot of rambling, but it all needed to come out. I'll write more now that I remember my password and stuff but yeah... sorry if it took a lot of space on your pages. <3
Life after UVM: Moved home, moved away from ALL of my CLOSEST friends, moved from my real HOME, dealing with working 2 jobs, a mom who broke her hip, and living in a room where I have no privacy.
Points for my life taking a rough path: 300
Points for my life taking the path I wanted: -5497
Things will all happen eventually for me, I'm in no rush. I'm 20, but part of me thinks that I'm going to live a life much similar to that of the game of solitaire *bringing myself back to my main reason why I'm writing*; playing out my life in solitude because I can't find people who appreciate me for who I am. I'm either a) too nice and taken advantage of, b) too nice and people don't like that, or c) too nice and are convenient when I'm around, but otherwise, forgotten about until I'm around again. I can't stand being alone, I have absolutely no friends, well except for Leah, at home, which kind of sucks since she has school, schoolwork, and she's engaged and has a life, unlike me, which I really don't seem to have much of one. As I told Leah last night, "I feel like I'm living the movie, Groundhog Day." The truth is, I really do feel that way. I get up, go to work, come home, go on the computer, after changing out of work clothing, eat, change into pjs (or go to sleep to work an overnight), watch tv, then go to bed and get up and do the same fucking thing all over again the next day. I dunno, maybe it's depression from not being in school, since all I knew for my whole life was school and school work and always being busy with that. I would give anything to go back to school this instant, but I a) have no money, b) cant enroll 1/2 way thru a semester and c) am not really sure what I want to do. I am just doing a lot of thinking and stuff and I guess it is finally so built up that I need to vent.
I'm like working really hard to get over the girl who I said, "I love you," to back in September, but part of me doesn't want to give up hope that someday we'll be together. This is not the main root of the problem to be in a relationship, but definitely something that I'm working on and dealing with. Another thing is that I passed up an opportunity to be with someone who I really was into, all because I was "involved" with someone who eventually used me in the long run and now I'm realizing how happy I could be with this person. She is very happy, very content and I wish nothing but the best for them (her and her fiance). I look at her and see this glow I didn't see before and I'm just so happy to be there for her and supportive of her and stuff. I really am. There are no "shoulda, coulda, woulda's" in life you can go back to, as my mom said the other day, "There's no going back, but only forward." I look to each day as one to be better than the last. I live each day to the fullest potential, even if I am working or doing absolutely nothing staying at home with my family. It's the memories and the things we do in life that matter the most, not how much money you make or making your partner happy, but focusing on yourself, taking time out to take care of yourself in the long run is the most important thing. I have friends who worry about me because I worry too much about everyone else and it super stresses me out, not dealing with my own shit. I guess this is just a lot of rambling, but it all needed to come out. I'll write more now that I remember my password and stuff but yeah... sorry if it took a lot of space on your pages. <3