(no subject)

[xsuicidalfreekx]

I havent posted an actual entry for a while. So, here I go. It feels like Monday. It feels like it's later than 11:10pm. My webcam broke last night/this morning while on the phone with sam. i bought a new and better one. i've also recently been told that I'll never amount to Mandie or Cher. I'll never be as good as them either. Because I dont have short butched hair, and I'm not a sex-aholic. So. But he told me that he'd be more than willing to try again, if i was the same person i was, that he fell in love with. which is who i want to be. the comments he made about me never being good enough, upset me. maybe he said them out of anger. but maybeim not good enough. which... he's never said that before. so yeah.. he also said he'd never want me as much as he wants them. but at one time, he did want me more than he wanted anyone else, including mandie and cher. and that's the person i was before my mom fucked with my head. I went on a short jealous streak the other night. but i did good. i didnt say anything smart, i didnt make any remarks. I just stayed calm. Which is a first, and a good start. Onto more news. I went and bought over the counter mood enhancers. i take 2 a day. there's 75 pills. so that's 37 days. i could end up taking anywhere up to 5 a day. but I bought two bottles. im hoping that i'll have enough money. and i'll take out some money to buy sam a bus ticket, and see if he will come and see me in march when my mother goes over the road with jake for a week. i'll also pay the cab fare to get him out to my house. which is probably going to be $30. sam said he'd think about it. we also talked the other day, about if we ended up getting back together. and we could see each other once a month, for a week, ever month and a half, two months. it'd be all great. and it'd be more than likely possible for us to have a relationship. i hate my job too.i really do. i was only working for 1 1/2 hours today. the day before, i worked 5 1/2 hours. so what does that tell you? im getting myself so wrapped up in work and 4-H. That well... I'm going to be so busy... between 2 possible 3 horses... and 2 sheep. maybe beef. i have no time to have a life... even if i did have time... im not aloud to have a life, my mother makes sure of it. im so tired. i've slept maybe an hour in 5 days. im tires of being tired. but when i sleep, im tired of sleeping. am i confused? on a good road to recovery? what's going on with me.. i try to convince myself that sam wants me, wants to be with me, wants to love me, wants to be in love with me, wants to marry me, ect. In all reality... he wants everyone but me.. i know he doesnt love me. period. he doesnt love me. even as a friend. he just cares about me. just not much.

So. Mandie, you've gotten what you've always wanted.. Sam to hate me. And to dispise me, and never want to be with me again. I hope your happy.