Tooken from one of my other journals.
Well, I'm watching the movie Ressurection, my name means Ressurection. Kind of scary isnt it? I havent posted in here for a while. Well, i'm going to the mall today (today because it's 2:05am) sam is commenting in my journal. and commenting on the comments that i make in Cher's journal. I wonder why... if its nothing more than a MIND FUCK he needs to chill the fuck out. I think he likes knowing that all of the power of what happens is in his hands. And actually, the power has always been in his hands he's just never realized it. How is it my fault that he never realized it? He didnt have to answer the phone whenever he hung up on me durring a fight and I called back. He could have ignored the phone call. But alot of the time he didnt. It was always up to him when We talked. because if he just felt like not talking then he wouldnt answer the phone, or msg me back. simple as that really. so. who really had the upper hand? not me. because i was always the one running back, and pleading for him to take me back. he never came running back to me pleading and begging. Well, once... no twice... that's about it. So, who in the end, even NOW he has the upper hand. and now he knows it. why? because i'm not able to talk to him until he feels like it. it's kind of funny. he expected me, to be friends with him right after we broke up. didnt he realize that you need time to heal? his healing process was obviously alot faster than mine. considering im still healing. and i probably always will be healing. sometimes I wonder. He didnt cheat on me while I was there. And he really only cheated on me when cher and mandie were around. Did he only do it because I wasnt there? and he didnt have me all the time? did he really only do it because i wasnt there to give him the love that he needed, i had to do it from 630 miles away, so he went looking for someone else that might be able to give him the same love, but they never could, because they werent me, so he kept trying and kept trying. but it never worked. but whenever i showed up again... he felt that love that he needed and wanted. because i was the only person who could possibly in his eyes give it to him. is that why he lust's after mandie and cher? not because he wants to fuck them so badly, because maybe they could possibly give him the same love I could... is that why whenever we broke up he emediatly got another girlfriend? Because he couldnt bare the thought of not having me, so he went to someone else, in hope that they would be exactly like me... well, knowing my luck, no. but hey, i can hope cant i? I'm going ona diet. Why? Because no one wants to fuck nor date, nor sleep with, or make love to, a fat bitch. sam probably didnt want me, because i was... well i am fat... most likely.... I'm tired of being fat. So that's going to change. Today I start... I will be 130 pounds, by the time sam calls me on my 18th birthday. maybe then he'll want me... and maybe then he'll love me. and want to be with me. because i'll be skinny, and pretty... and by then, i'll have the money to wear the baggy pants, and have the blue hair, and wear the band t-shirts, and the spiked braclets, and have the perky tits. not like I am now... fat... with blonde/brown hair, only wearing jelly braclets, with glasses, bell bottoms, and saggy nasty tits... I'm so afraid that he wont call.... And im afraid to get into another relationship... my mom says not to put my life on hold... i feel like i should... i feel like, if i dont, then i'm going to be cheating on him... even though we're not together.... i'll feel like i broke my end of the deal... even though he's probably breaking his right at this moment.. something that he promised, he's probably breaking.... i hope he isnt... and i hope he doesnt... he still thinks that it's me that talked to him that night under a different name, and well, it wasnt. A kid named Adam from LA, California. He found me on PlanetOut.com, with his girlfriend, he's a juggalo, and his girlfriend is a juggalette. so i told them about sam, who is also on planetout.com, and sam's AOL instant messenger name is on his profile, he he msg'ed him. and started talking to him about me. It wasnt me, because I went to the hospital. not that anyone cares about why... so it really doesnt matter does it? sam obviously doesnt care. so why should i? i'm not going to... Well... in short... i went to a party... mom was gone for the week with jake, i got slipped something in my drink, and i was spazzing out, puking blood 'n' shit. mom still doesnt know. and hopefully she never will. because she'll probably end up killing me or something. Well, it's 2:20am, and im supposed to be asleep. my grandma will get pissed off at me if she comes in here and see's me on the computer, because im not supposed to be on the computer passed 10pm. Why am i at my grandma's? because she's taking me to U.P. Mall tomorrow to go to Hot Topic, im gonna pick out something for Joanna probably, for a late christmas present. Maybe an early birthday present or something. Im not sure yet. Maybe i'll get some more jelly braclets or something. im not entirely sure yet.... But i have like 30 dollars i can spend. or something like that. obviously not enough money for pants. which was my original intention when i was supposed to go up to the mall last week. but that didnt happen because my grandma was sick. Anyway. I'm going to go now. Maybe lay down and write Joanna. She likes to be called Jo. I dunno... I think we could make something together... she's gonna come see me in April... Kinda scary isnt it? She wants to come see me in April, mine and sam's 2 year anniversary is at the end of april.... i dont know what to think about anything aynmore... about sam.. about april... about joanna, about myself, about relationships, about life... anyway. im outta here. Peace, Love and Wicked Clownz.