im a mess
I'm lost right now. Completely lost to what to do... Did i do something wrong? All i do is try to do something right, everything i'm trying to do is doing the right things. I've been avoiding these depressive meetings, that make me see what i could be... and then where most of my friends are headed. I'm fighting myself day after day just to stay sober. And it's not getting any easier, only harder. It only gets harder, everything. I search myself everyday, to find that something that clicks... to motivate me, to stay strong but what for. The inevitable situation, that soon ill be alone? Not that its fair for me to critisize, but im watching my best friend yet again, throwing away her life for this kid. The kid who has no clue and it makes her stupid. And i realized the truth last night. She's destined to be with him, which makes sense to why her family and i are so against it. She's gonna end up like him... if she's not careful, making the same mistakes he does. I won't be there forever for her, and neither will the people who are close to her. They will get sick of the same stories, and the same complaints, and then the same other shit, how this time it's changed and they've worked it out... too many times i watch it happen. And then the harder part, i went out to listen to Sam bitch about how much life is retarded and they're moving back in... a story i've heard half a dozen times, when i didn't want to be there, i wanted to be in my bed next to .... ya. If only she understood. I dont know. The way i feel between the time i see her and the time she leaves can only be understood by the greatest understanding of the look in my eyes... deeper than most people have ever taken the time to try to look. You may think u understand how people feel, but look deep in there eyes, and they never lie. "What i didn't know, i really knew all along." The whole week was interesting... some of the things that she said to me, made me speechless... literally. I haven't been as happy as i was in a long time... i thought she was too. It's that much worse. It makes me guilty, i dont deserve to be happy if other people arent. I just don't know, my mind is on over drive and it's not going to go away any time soon, so i'm just going to try to nod and smile. Knowing she's upset, that's the worst of all of them. I know one way or another it's my fault. It always will be, and that's okay with me, she just needs to be forward and upfront with it. I just want to know WHY? right away. Hell slap me, call me an asshole, and tell me why i'm the ass i am. Ok, now im feeling kind of happy. Just to think of everything, even the past two days...
....I can still remember 3 years ago valentine's day, i knew how niki felt, just like me, alone while everyone is together and how i wanted to ask her out, i even had a real rose, that was in my locker to give to her, that she'll never know about, because i was too shy, too embarassed, too much of a pussy, and through all that, til today, im still a shy guy... and i wish i wasn't at times... i could've made greater differences to people...
I loved that smile...the hug...the kiss... just to see "sunshine peering out through the rain clouds." That is happiness, to me, a gift of true happiness.
So many other things... too many to talk about i could write a book. She says "run away with me"... how am i supposed to respond to that. As stupid as it sounds, i would love to. Just pack up and go. No good bye's or this is where i'm going... just leave and not worry about a thing. But i know i can't. Not right now, but the first thing in my head was "Can i start packing right now?" This is my life and nobody else's. I'm not going to let other people tell me what goals are mine, and what i can't do. This summer though, i think i might... just go and get away. leave a letter, write when i find some steady ground, and that's it. End of story. i dont know, maybe its a dream, maybe itll be a reality... thats all for now...... but i miss you.
....I can still remember 3 years ago valentine's day, i knew how niki felt, just like me, alone while everyone is together and how i wanted to ask her out, i even had a real rose, that was in my locker to give to her, that she'll never know about, because i was too shy, too embarassed, too much of a pussy, and through all that, til today, im still a shy guy... and i wish i wasn't at times... i could've made greater differences to people...
I loved that smile...the hug...the kiss... just to see "sunshine peering out through the rain clouds." That is happiness, to me, a gift of true happiness.
So many other things... too many to talk about i could write a book. She says "run away with me"... how am i supposed to respond to that. As stupid as it sounds, i would love to. Just pack up and go. No good bye's or this is where i'm going... just leave and not worry about a thing. But i know i can't. Not right now, but the first thing in my head was "Can i start packing right now?" This is my life and nobody else's. I'm not going to let other people tell me what goals are mine, and what i can't do. This summer though, i think i might... just go and get away. leave a letter, write when i find some steady ground, and that's it. End of story. i dont know, maybe its a dream, maybe itll be a reality... thats all for now...... but i miss you.