Your biggest drama queen
How do I tend to always make big situations out a small things!! I am the queen of drama queens, I sooo am. Like I don't know if there's anyone (I would judge so), that can cause oneself so much stress over the littles things. You know, I used to cry when I couldn't open the peanut butter jar (well, that was quite a while ago), but you see what I mean!?? Freaking Peanut butter!! PEANUT BUTTER! (lol). I mean, of course now I wouldn't cry if I couldn't open peanut butter, I'd rationalize the hell of that jar and analyze it to no end that the fucking lid would pop right the fuck off! Thats just how I am. So, I could possibly propose the question of not appreciating (dare I say liking) the person that I am, but I don't want to because I don't, yet I can't deny such a realistic question..and now do you see where I am going with this? I think too much. That's it. No matter what it is. Whenever I type (like I'm typing now), I try to consider each and EVERY single possibility or consequence for every damn letter that I type...EVER! Every time that I type, every time that I think, that I breathe, that I walk, that I do anything. I question it and analyze it NEVER STOPS, and when I think that I that have the power to stop... the power of thinking only makes me question why I am thinking so much! Agghh! I would definitely appreciate advise from someone, like totally. I mean I guess the reason why I do this is...well, I truly don't know. I mean, I know all this questioning comes from that little voice in my head, and lately I've been trying to discern if thats worry or intuition, or just plainly that part of my sub-conscious that naturally guides me througout life. I seem to not be able to distinguish (and at this very moment so many thoughts about what I am writing is filling my head I can't take it). I think it all boils down to fear, and the fear of perfection. Thats it. Afraid of being perfect, afraid of not being perfect, afraid of fear. Simply fear. When I think so much about something, the things that inhibit me are the consequences that I could possibly face...and I listen to myself, and I hear the voice inside me that guides me, I hear myself think about what could happen, potentially comfortable and uncomfortable consequences, and then I remember that I will never know what the worst of the worst or the best of the best is, and that I can never expect to expect things because expectations are unrealistic. I hear myself think over and over again, and over and again, about the same situation and It's been so difficult for me to distinguish lately what really is guiding me. It's lost in all that commotion. So, when I think so hard about something, what should I do? Honestly, I rarely open myself to ask for help like this, genuinely and sincerely. I never do. If I ask for help, its for attention sometimes, because I am under the impression that no1 helps me, only I help others. Yet I realize how much I can't help others by not allowing myself to be helped also. I guess I'm just going through a change, I'm not sure, maybe something is happening. I have no idea. I can't explain this, its completely unexplainable. I mean, I can't just print out what I am thinking from my brain! I can't. All this stress, that I have caused myself leads me to being insecure and so violently emotional; its really crazy and unhealthy. I'm not sure where I should land now. I don't want to think anymore. I want to live my life and let what is going to come, just come and not question everything anymore. I have a path in life, and I make the choices to get to the checkpoints, the checkpoints that never end becuase there is no ending, and I'm glad. I'd go on forever. I won't stand to be idle for too long.
Ok, actually...typing this has eased my thoughts. Afterall, I did tell myself that if I wrote (which is what always relieves me) would set my stress free. My god, I can't believe how relieved I fill. Like I just pulled all this gunk out of my brain. Well, now that I am not stopped up anymore, I need to find a solution. I need to think less. I need to keep on moving and ignore some thoughts sometimes and allow what happens, to happens. I know that I've listened to my instinct as long as I can remember, so when I feel like that, I will find the voice that I am looking for. The true voice and not deny it, I will follow it and allow it to be human as me. To make mistakes, but to be guided and advised through my path, my journey, and my destiny. Which is so far away, yet I face another mile, not even...every day.
I am so thankful for the people in my life. Everytime that I think of anyone who has touched my life, my heart ceases to allow judgement, hatred, anything affect my feeling toward you. Everyone of you. You all know who you are, and if you don't...I do, and that's what matters most. But you know. I know you do. I don't say that I love you because love now is not what I feel. I feel that love would be a judgement. In my best words, I'd say I see the divine light in all of you, and beyond that. I don't know if you could possibly imagine how I feel, but I can share it with you. And now, one of the things I do best, is to share my energy and love which is now appropriate to share. I share my energy, openly, outwardly, and to be accepted, rejected...ignored. But still absorbing. So, absorb this divine wholeness and accept that love in your heart, from mine to yours. Thats how I truly feel.
Compelled to the endure that hard enigma, selfless, ruthless...persistent in all of you.
Ok, actually...typing this has eased my thoughts. Afterall, I did tell myself that if I wrote (which is what always relieves me) would set my stress free. My god, I can't believe how relieved I fill. Like I just pulled all this gunk out of my brain. Well, now that I am not stopped up anymore, I need to find a solution. I need to think less. I need to keep on moving and ignore some thoughts sometimes and allow what happens, to happens. I know that I've listened to my instinct as long as I can remember, so when I feel like that, I will find the voice that I am looking for. The true voice and not deny it, I will follow it and allow it to be human as me. To make mistakes, but to be guided and advised through my path, my journey, and my destiny. Which is so far away, yet I face another mile, not even...every day.
I am so thankful for the people in my life. Everytime that I think of anyone who has touched my life, my heart ceases to allow judgement, hatred, anything affect my feeling toward you. Everyone of you. You all know who you are, and if you don't...I do, and that's what matters most. But you know. I know you do. I don't say that I love you because love now is not what I feel. I feel that love would be a judgement. In my best words, I'd say I see the divine light in all of you, and beyond that. I don't know if you could possibly imagine how I feel, but I can share it with you. And now, one of the things I do best, is to share my energy and love which is now appropriate to share. I share my energy, openly, outwardly, and to be accepted, rejected...ignored. But still absorbing. So, absorb this divine wholeness and accept that love in your heart, from mine to yours. Thats how I truly feel.
Compelled to the endure that hard enigma, selfless, ruthless...persistent in all of you.