What entrances you?
I feel like I could type blindfolded right now. There is just so much that is in me, and I don't know if I should let it out or keep it in, yet I DO know the answer...but I always avoid solutions; It's a process of learning...but...there's so many things to think about - sometimes, I just need to...
STOP
I just need to stop, and not even be organized..just take some time.
First off, I'm just adjusting to my mother's happiness, her joy, something that I am witnessing in the form of another man that is giving that to her. Last time I saw my mom with a man, my dad, was back when I was in 3-4th grade; I'm in 11th now. It's been a long time. Though I know that my mom needs this, and that she's been wating for SO LONG to find someone she likes, and I even encouraged her to find somebody, it's difficult for me to assimilate myself to the "new" condition. My mom said she wouldn't EVER do anything to offend me, and actually she always calls me before she comes over with him, and he's nice...(though not my type, lol) and they simply sit together and talk with minimal affection. Well apparently tonight, their afffection has tri-folded and yeah...so, I trust my mom's judgement though; I'll let it be what it may....(that's my take).
Next, well...what else could it freaking be but BOYS. God-damned good for nothing, (*loving and exciting), desastrously (*amazing, affectionate and loving), backstabbing...confusing...Pain...*Edit; Despair * So, now I've become something new. This year is a landmark...maturity, I'm feeling like me, more than I've ever felt before! I'm proud, LOUD AND PROUD, to say..I am...me. Almost always. Along with this "newness" (lol)...comes a more complex method of interpreting my feelings and emotions, judging what's going around me, taking that into account, incoporating all that, and then...comes Despair. That's my analogy/expression for boys - despair, which as you saw doesn't necessarily mean something negative, it represents a vast spectrum of feelings. Even saying, "I like 'so and so'," is something different. It doesn't warrant the like that I felt in Middle school (most certainly not), nor the way I expressed it last year. It's simply new. The lines of lust and, love and all that have become almost crystal clear now. Well, at least just for NOW. As I'm learning (how appropriate!) that change brings that "new" which I am experiencing, and yeah. So, basically, "I like" a few guys(like 3 people), I know why I like them, I have NO idea if they like me, however I can extract a few details in making DESPAIR seem more logical and just bleh! I'm tearing myself up apart with people that don't even know that I like them! (Oh if I only had a shakespeare line to express how I feel now!), and yeah, I'mm terribly annoyed by the fucking gnat that's flying around my head while I'm typing this!
Lol, Ok, I just took a five minute break to avoid the "fly" I'm back now.
So basically, that's the dilemma, im tired....maybe I'll come back again another time.
"I'm Leavin"
"I'm Gone" - Rent (Take me or Leave me) :
: )