While tonights episode of Weeds is downloading and while I am procrastinating homework further.
I have been meaning to update this thing for WEEKS now. I'm always saying to myself how I should update my LJ, but it never happens.
I am one busy girl. I am taking 6 classes/20 credits, 3 classes are writing intensive (= TOO MANY GODDAMN PAPERS) and I am managing my senior design project, which takes HOURS out of my schedule a week. I'm also doing Bikram Yoga 4 - 5 days a week, which is about a 2.5 hour a day commitment. The class itself is an hour and a half, but by the time I get ready for it, walk there, do my final avasana, walk home, and shower, it is 2 and a half-3 hours out of my day. But it is totally worth it. It's definitely a priority in my life right now, right under school. I make time for it and revolve my day around it. I seriously love/am borderline obsessed with it. I've been a yogi for a month now, and there is no turning back. It belongs in my lifestyle overhaul. I can see myself doing this for a very very long time. It's absurd how in just one month, I have improved my postures so much and continue doing so with every class. I can do things to my body that I never thought were even possible. Absolutely insane. I have a lot more energy, I feel more limber, it is noticeably slimming me down and sculpting me, my libido has been insane, my appetite has decreased significantly, I eat less. I absolutely love being in the studio, with the heat cranked up to 105 degrees, sweating my ass off and contorting my body in ways that benefit my body, not just physically but mentally as well. LOVE IT. I also made a $30 investment today for my own mat. It's not a lot, but when you are jobless, it makes a difference.
Speaking of being jobless, I no longer work. I can't do it. I can't find the time for it. Granted I only worked 3 hours a week for a couple hours, it still took time out of my hectic schedule and it is just not worth it. My dad told me to quit, so I quit. In 5 months, I will be working for the rest of my life, I need a break from the working world.
The lack of time in my week (I am putting off homework that is due tomorrow and my senior design project AND SLEEP right now to be writing this, but I need to write this and clear my head a bit) is a serious problem. Last week, namely last Tuesday I was having mini panic attack after mini panic attack. I go to class to class and get more homework piled on top of more homework piled on top of more papers. Last night I was up til 5am doing homework, which was my fault because I procrastinated the whole weekend, but I needed a break from my week. UGH. I even skipped a day of yoga just so I can sleep in another hour and rest my fucking head/body. Jeez. 5 more months 5 more months 5 more months and it will be all over (until I decide to go to grad school.)
Speaking of 5 more months, I need to job search. I mean, I have semi-actively started this process, but I don't know. I don't wanna work in the pharma industry, which is where there are a jobs in the Philadelphia area. I don't want to be apart of that merciless industry and go to work every day hating my life. I also don't know where I wanna apply for jobs. I haven't decided if I wanted to stay in this (MUCH TOO SMALL) city, or move to brooklyn and work in manhatten, or there are a couple jobs down in DC or if I wanna pursue Microsoft and move to (gasp) Seattle. I also dont know if I wanna go straight to work, or continue my education in Neuropsychology/neurobiology. I mean, I definitly know I want to continue my education, which will supplement my Human-Computer Interaction concentration, I just don't know when I wanna do it. The worst part is, I have to decide relatively soon. WHY AM I GROWING UP SO FAST??
This boggled journal entry directly relates to the boggled thoughts in my brain. It is just one random thought/worry after another random thought/worry.
Next on the agenda is my motherfucking body. I don't know if I mentioned this in a previous entry or not, because quite honestly I don't remember the last time I updated this damn thing. But. I am a size 10 right now. I went into Urban a couple weeks ago to get a new fall/winter wardrobe, or at least a couple pairs of jeans because I am having a hard time finding clothes that fit my body perfectly. H&M denim fits too big on me. Express denim fits ENORMOUS on me. And Urban's denim selection caters, to what seems, the more petite crowd (I'm not really petite, but I have skinny legs/small ass). Their BDG jeans kinda rule because they are fitted smaller then the previously mentioned stores. Anyway, I go in there a couple weeks ago, and I try on a pair of jeans and get a size 32, because that is just what I was accustomed to. I go into the fitting room, and they are HUGE on me. So I get stoked, and get the size 31's. Also, huge on me. I, just out of curiosity get the size 30s and they fit like a GEM. A GEM. I am officially a size 10. INCREDIBLE FEELING. My legs are pretty much rock solid muscle, the whole leg. My thighs are insane. My calves are insane. My upper body is getting sculpted. Its amazing looking at myself in the mirror and flexing and seeing the dips and curves in my shoulders and my collarbone and my upperarms. Everyday I noticed something new about my body. The other day I noticed that my hip bones are getting more defined/losing the cushioning. Like, its not just a tummy,theres my hipbone, and then there is my tummy. My tummy is also getting noticably smaller. I mean, fuck I am a size 10. It's pretty much my problem/target area and it rules seeing it get flatter and flatter. I have a gap between my thighs. About 2 weeks ago I was in the shower, and I was looking at my hands and noticing my digits (finger bones) popping out. I have chubby fingers, but now I have bones popping out. My toes are even shrinking!! One of the best parts of my new body is my ass. I have an ass now. It is defined. Kinda muscular. It's not flat. I am filling my jeans out more in that area. I AM LOVING IT. Today, I was on 4th and Bainbridge going to Essene to get some soy yogurt, I am walking towards my bike and this VERY VERY attractive, VERY VERY conventionally good looking "normy" stared and smiled at me. Nice feeling. Also, a couple minutes later, some good looking young dude who was holding hands with his girlfriend looked me up and down as we passed on the street. WELL NO DUH, I AM A BABE. It seriously rules going into stores and buying clothes that do not have "X"s in the size. Also, my boobs are officially going to be smaller in December. I'm kind of indifferent on the topic, but its for the best. There are WAAY more positives that are coming out of the situation then negatives. I can fit into more clothes, my yoga will improve TENFOLD, no more back pain, I can wear nice bras without popping out of them. My main concern is not being able to practice yoga for awhile. I am 100% serious that this is my main concern. That is seriously how much I love it.
On the same topic as my body, I have to admit that even though I noticed the changes, my self-image is so skewed that I don't really notice just how much I have lost. Sometimes I still think I look the same as when I first started. It's incredibly awful, but I am just not used to being NOT fat. I am not fat anymore. I have spent my whole life being fat, and now 22 years later, I am not. I am of normal weight and of normal size, but sometimes I just don't see it/recognize it. Is that fucked up or what? At least I am aware of it. Also, I eat like an old lady/hippy. I eat plain oatmeal every day for breakfast mixed with wheat bran and cinnamon and stevia and this is honestly my favorite meal of the day. It is 1:15 am right now and I am looking forward to tomorrow morning so I can eat my daily bowl of oatmeal with fruit/soymilk/wheatgerm. Awful hahahah. I have spent EXACTLY a year dieting and I think the way I eat is the norm. Like, I can NOT fathom people who eat out every day, or people who cook with butter/fat, or people who drink 400 calorie Starbucks drinks, or people who eat real deserts that aren't fresh pieces of fruit, the list goes on and on. I belong to a couple vegan cooking communities on here and its weird seeing people posting millions of baked goods everyday and this is what they get to eat every day. Maybe I am just jealous that I no longer bake like a normal human being, because when I do, I substitute flour for whole wheat flour, plain unsweetened applesauce for oil or fat, smushed bananas and cornstarch for eggs, stevia for sugar. The last thing I baked was a total hippy carrot-apple "cake." Don't get me wrong, it was delicious, but not what I would have made for myself a year ago. When I do get to eat like a normal human being, I often times feel guilty for eating it. Like, Saturday I treated myself to a vegan chocolate chip cookie from whole foods and after I bought it and bit into it, I immediatly said to myself "why did i buy this? it's only causing me pleasure for the 3 or 4 minutes I get to chew this. Then I will be done with it and what good will that have done me?" This is seriously what goes through my head when I treat myself. I know I am allowed to treat myself and that i SHOULD AND NEED to treat myself, but sometimes its not even worth it hahaha. This is seriously a fucked up state of mind, and I am aware of it, I just can't get out of the whole "oatmeal for breakfast, piece of fruit, sandwich or soup for lunch, piece of fruit, steamed green vegetables, a protein and a carbohydrate for dinner, end eating for the day." This is just who I have lived my life for the past year and I can't get out of it. Once I reach my long term goal, this will be much easier on me, I am sure. Also, the above paragraph makes this COMPLETELY worth it.
My last entry was about a boy. He is no more hahahaha. As nice as he was (thats how i described him to people, he is a "nice guy.") he was WAY too much of a fucking pansy for me. I like my men manly, in EVERY way possible. And there were times where I honestly said to myself "what the fuck? is he GAY???" And I don't mean that in a negative connotation, I literally thought that at times he was a homosexual. Not for me. I want to feel like I am having a discussion with my boyfriend, not my best lady friend. hahahah it is totally fucked up of me to say this, but oh well. I rather be alone than date my best girl friend. Nice manly men who are good looking, intelligent and have a fucking J O B, where are you?? Do you even exist? If so, on what planet/plane of existance, because I need to know!
Umm, I think thats it for now. I just decided I am going to cut this. Holy shit I wrote a novel. My head feels clear now!!
On that note, I think I am going to go to bed and do my homework that is due tomorrow, TOMORROW. fuck.