If not you, who? If not now, when?
I just got off the phone with Gerry. I am so blessed to have someone like him to reach out to me. These past few weeks have just felt so overwhelmingly crazy. Everyone wants to know where I am at ... and when I will make a decision and what is best for me?
I have just felt so hopeless, helpless, and dis-empowered because I am unable to answer any of these questions. Talking to Gerry always seems to bring me to a little more clarity. Every time I talk to Brian (area director of JVC), Laura (my boss) or even sometimes my community I just end up feeling guilty and confused. Here is the FYI on what is going on.
My job is still hectic, way more than one person can handle, and really draining. I can honestly say that I hate my job. I still wake up every morning usually feeling tired and drag myself into work. On the dark days I wonder why I am even here in Raleigh, what is it that I'm accomplishing? And what is worth living for? On the good days I don't feel like I'm helping anyone. I have met with Laura to figure out in what direction is my job going? All of my seven or eight clients are in temporary housing with the city until April 30th. After that date of doom I have no idea what is going to happen either with my job or with my clients. I have recommended to all of them to find permanent housing because I have heard no word on any other plan for them. Here I have homeless families with children that are in my program for transitional housing and are being asked to leave early. My organization is falling apart fast. I do not know any employees that enjoy working here currently. I have no sense of long term outlook either in my job or in my own life.
People think that homeless means that people made the choice to be homeless, that they just didn't work hard enough, or that they are just drunks. I am so tired of people that are not educated on the real problems for homelessness in our country, state, county and cities giving their opinions when they have made no attempt to learn the reality. The reality is that we need serious mental health reform, more affordable housing, more programs with a housing first model, and more SOCIAL WORKERS. I do not know a single social worker that is not overloaded with cases and stretched to their limits. Really it just becomes a matter of who has less stress. The problem is the serious misconception of the homeless. I hope that Katrina showed us that anyone can be homeless at anytime. Homelessness is not a choice that people make. People can make choices in their lives that effect that outcome. For example: I have a mother that has two children and a job at Taco Bell. She was never given the opportunity to go to college because she had her children at such a young age. She has applied for all the services she can get, Medicaid, food stamps, and daycare assistance. She is living in my transitional housing program but doesn't make enough money to be able to afford rent at a regular rate. She has no evictions on her record, no criminal background, and wants to be a good mother to her children. I just don't understand why we continue to have a minimum wage that is not a livable wage. Why do we continue to have tax cuts when people are going without health care? Why is it fair that because of where you were born in life, and to what family, you should have to continue in this cycle of homelessness. Something people in the field call "chronic homeless." I have no idea why people cannot care about this.
Why is it that people that suffer from mental illness are going without being treated and often end up homeless if they have no other resources or supports? How can we blame people and punish them for having a mental illness? "Mental disorders are common in the United States and internationally. An estimated 26.2 percent of Americans ages 18 and older - about one in four adults - suffer from a diagnosable mental disorder in a given year." (http://www.nimh.nih.gov/healthinformation/statisticsmenu.cfm) Not to mention if these people are self medicating with a substance abuse problem. Many people that are experiencing homelessness have one or several of these issues. So why aren't we treating some of these problems or at the very least giving them stable supportive housing?
Instead, our society feels the need to have nice rims, read US Weekly, and watch "reality" T.V. programs.
Okay, so I have ranted enough about my job. It's not that I don't care, I do care but I need to take care of myself as well.
I have experienced a fraction of what some of my clients are dealing with on a daily basis. I have wanted to quit--in many ways I still do want to quit, I just have nowhere to go. The only thing that has really kept me going is my community. And I don't just mean the people that I live with. I mean my family, my friends, Josh (my boyfriend) and support people here in Raleigh (Mary & Gerry). The people that don't just care about what it is that I'm doing but the people who care about how I AM doing. I have to wonder if sometimes as a case manager we get wrapped up in the very same concept. My deadline for making a decision has been set for April 20th. I feel so ill equipped to make any sort of decision in the midst of turmoil. I think if it were just about my job, I would leave instantly. But it's that I do feel committed to my community, and to myself in wanting to continue therapy. I recently got a job with the Raleigh Chronicle (http://www.raleighchronicle.com/) and I am really excited to start writing again. At least I have one good thing going for me.
Other than that, I miss my family dearly, I miss Josh---and I am looking forward to ending this program and new beginnings!
I have just felt so hopeless, helpless, and dis-empowered because I am unable to answer any of these questions. Talking to Gerry always seems to bring me to a little more clarity. Every time I talk to Brian (area director of JVC), Laura (my boss) or even sometimes my community I just end up feeling guilty and confused. Here is the FYI on what is going on.
My job is still hectic, way more than one person can handle, and really draining. I can honestly say that I hate my job. I still wake up every morning usually feeling tired and drag myself into work. On the dark days I wonder why I am even here in Raleigh, what is it that I'm accomplishing? And what is worth living for? On the good days I don't feel like I'm helping anyone. I have met with Laura to figure out in what direction is my job going? All of my seven or eight clients are in temporary housing with the city until April 30th. After that date of doom I have no idea what is going to happen either with my job or with my clients. I have recommended to all of them to find permanent housing because I have heard no word on any other plan for them. Here I have homeless families with children that are in my program for transitional housing and are being asked to leave early. My organization is falling apart fast. I do not know any employees that enjoy working here currently. I have no sense of long term outlook either in my job or in my own life.
People think that homeless means that people made the choice to be homeless, that they just didn't work hard enough, or that they are just drunks. I am so tired of people that are not educated on the real problems for homelessness in our country, state, county and cities giving their opinions when they have made no attempt to learn the reality. The reality is that we need serious mental health reform, more affordable housing, more programs with a housing first model, and more SOCIAL WORKERS. I do not know a single social worker that is not overloaded with cases and stretched to their limits. Really it just becomes a matter of who has less stress. The problem is the serious misconception of the homeless. I hope that Katrina showed us that anyone can be homeless at anytime. Homelessness is not a choice that people make. People can make choices in their lives that effect that outcome. For example: I have a mother that has two children and a job at Taco Bell. She was never given the opportunity to go to college because she had her children at such a young age. She has applied for all the services she can get, Medicaid, food stamps, and daycare assistance. She is living in my transitional housing program but doesn't make enough money to be able to afford rent at a regular rate. She has no evictions on her record, no criminal background, and wants to be a good mother to her children. I just don't understand why we continue to have a minimum wage that is not a livable wage. Why do we continue to have tax cuts when people are going without health care? Why is it fair that because of where you were born in life, and to what family, you should have to continue in this cycle of homelessness. Something people in the field call "chronic homeless." I have no idea why people cannot care about this.
Why is it that people that suffer from mental illness are going without being treated and often end up homeless if they have no other resources or supports? How can we blame people and punish them for having a mental illness? "Mental disorders are common in the United States and internationally. An estimated 26.2 percent of Americans ages 18 and older - about one in four adults - suffer from a diagnosable mental disorder in a given year." (http://www.nimh.nih.gov/healthinformation/statisticsmenu.cfm) Not to mention if these people are self medicating with a substance abuse problem. Many people that are experiencing homelessness have one or several of these issues. So why aren't we treating some of these problems or at the very least giving them stable supportive housing?
Instead, our society feels the need to have nice rims, read US Weekly, and watch "reality" T.V. programs.
Okay, so I have ranted enough about my job. It's not that I don't care, I do care but I need to take care of myself as well.
I have experienced a fraction of what some of my clients are dealing with on a daily basis. I have wanted to quit--in many ways I still do want to quit, I just have nowhere to go. The only thing that has really kept me going is my community. And I don't just mean the people that I live with. I mean my family, my friends, Josh (my boyfriend) and support people here in Raleigh (Mary & Gerry). The people that don't just care about what it is that I'm doing but the people who care about how I AM doing. I have to wonder if sometimes as a case manager we get wrapped up in the very same concept. My deadline for making a decision has been set for April 20th. I feel so ill equipped to make any sort of decision in the midst of turmoil. I think if it were just about my job, I would leave instantly. But it's that I do feel committed to my community, and to myself in wanting to continue therapy. I recently got a job with the Raleigh Chronicle (http://www.raleighchronicle.com/) and I am really excited to start writing again. At least I have one good thing going for me.
Other than that, I miss my family dearly, I miss Josh---and I am looking forward to ending this program and new beginnings!