bad news in the form of a bag of bricks.
things have gotten bad. real bad. and nobody really knows it because hey, people are idiots and can't be trusted.
anyway. my brother is taking it harder than i am. thats scary. im the girl, im the emotional one. but im not grieving right. im not crying. Im getting out of bed and doing things the way i normally would. I was more upset about my other grandmother having Altheimersz than the other one dieing.
Is that bad? i don't know. Maybe its because with the grandmother that died, i spent a lot of time with her. Holidays at her house. Saturday afternoons driving out to her house. Sitting in her living room chatting about nothing and everything all at once. ending every conversations with i love yous, and im proud of yous. Spending lunch with her while she was in the hospital and i was volunteering. Sending her a thing of roses on my last day of work at the hospital while she was still there. Its like, i could pick up the phone and she'll still answer. The other day i had a dream, and i was on the phone with her. it was so real. SO REAL. and then i woke up, and i was like no. its not real. shes gone. shes gone . and my mom feels the need to tell me every five seconds that, she loves you, your her favorite, and always ending it with your never going to see her again.
While, with the other grandmother. i only remember what people tell me. I remember her when she lived in the trailer. I remember i hadnt seen her for almost two years when she moved into the new apartment. I remember finding out she tried to commit suicide. I remember her jumping up to be as tall as my brother. I remember sitting at her table playing dominoes and watching river dance. and thats it. BUT SHES NOT GONE.
Im scared though. What if i show up to her house, and she thinks im an intruder? Theres a book , that sandy recommended, that i love so much, called Letters to Emily. In the book the grandfather has altheimersz and slowly forgets who people are. One day he finally gets angry and spits at the little girl. He doesn't know any better, but its still painful to both of them.
Is that what its going to be like?. I couldn't believe nobody told us. OR at least told me. Its not right. Im family too. Were family too. We might not act like it, but we ARE.
'
im starting to cut people out of my life. Funny how death opens your eyes to peoples true colors. im not perfect but i would definitely never be as bad as some of the things that have been going on. who tries to one up someone whose loved one just died? and who flips out on someone whose loved one just died? Its just something i'll never forget. I also think its funny that the only person that offered to even come to the funeral was the same person that everyone is being a jackass to. its unfair.
ryan and jess came down. and i want them back <3
anyway. my brother is taking it harder than i am. thats scary. im the girl, im the emotional one. but im not grieving right. im not crying. Im getting out of bed and doing things the way i normally would. I was more upset about my other grandmother having Altheimersz than the other one dieing.
Is that bad? i don't know. Maybe its because with the grandmother that died, i spent a lot of time with her. Holidays at her house. Saturday afternoons driving out to her house. Sitting in her living room chatting about nothing and everything all at once. ending every conversations with i love yous, and im proud of yous. Spending lunch with her while she was in the hospital and i was volunteering. Sending her a thing of roses on my last day of work at the hospital while she was still there. Its like, i could pick up the phone and she'll still answer. The other day i had a dream, and i was on the phone with her. it was so real. SO REAL. and then i woke up, and i was like no. its not real. shes gone. shes gone . and my mom feels the need to tell me every five seconds that, she loves you, your her favorite, and always ending it with your never going to see her again.
While, with the other grandmother. i only remember what people tell me. I remember her when she lived in the trailer. I remember i hadnt seen her for almost two years when she moved into the new apartment. I remember finding out she tried to commit suicide. I remember her jumping up to be as tall as my brother. I remember sitting at her table playing dominoes and watching river dance. and thats it. BUT SHES NOT GONE.
Im scared though. What if i show up to her house, and she thinks im an intruder? Theres a book , that sandy recommended, that i love so much, called Letters to Emily. In the book the grandfather has altheimersz and slowly forgets who people are. One day he finally gets angry and spits at the little girl. He doesn't know any better, but its still painful to both of them.
Is that what its going to be like?. I couldn't believe nobody told us. OR at least told me. Its not right. Im family too. Were family too. We might not act like it, but we ARE.
'
im starting to cut people out of my life. Funny how death opens your eyes to peoples true colors. im not perfect but i would definitely never be as bad as some of the things that have been going on. who tries to one up someone whose loved one just died? and who flips out on someone whose loved one just died? Its just something i'll never forget. I also think its funny that the only person that offered to even come to the funeral was the same person that everyone is being a jackass to. its unfair.
ryan and jess came down. and i want them back <3