(no subject)
i feel like writing.
i'm loving school and life right now. i love the way everything is fanning out, like it's supposed to or something, like my cards are already laid out. but i don't believe in that. Fate. it seems weird to me to think that there is some higher power, that hasn't been proved real, is controlling my life for me. i like to think that i make my own desicions and i make my own choices and the things that happen in my life are a result of the choices i make. not any one else's. i'm totally interested in psychology. i think i've finally found something that's worth going to school for. i really want to learn. i have a passion for learning. but not the school kind. reading books is probably my favorite past time. i want to become as smart as i possibly can. but not one of those nerds or anything. just smart. so many of my friends are just really smart. i'm envious of them. sometimes when i say something, i replay the scene in my mind and i can't believe i said that. i think there's something wrong with that filter in my mind that sifts out things that aren't acceptable or appropriate to say. i'm not afraid of not having friends or ending up lonely for a while. in fact, i like it when i'm home by myself. i like sitting in my room and thinking about things. i like thinking about what's going to happen to me in the upcoming years. i make up situations for everything and plan the way that i'd like them to go. i love going to conserts. i love dancing. i dont care if you hate those obnoxious assholes that just go fucking nuts while you're trying to watch the bands, i just don't give a fuck. when i'm watching MTV or one of those music channels, i wonder if the bands that are running around reaking havock on their tour busses and the venues that they play, really have that much fun when the cameras aren't rolling. and i wonder if i'll ever get to be in a band, cause that's one of the things that i want most. who cares, i'm a girl and i play guitar, so fucking let me in your band, you fucking asshole boys. i want to be closer with so many more people, and ever since i've lost close touch with kayla, i haven't been able to find someone to connect with in a best friend way, like i did with her. i love my little brother, seriously. he's the most awesome 14 year old that i know. if anyone lays a finger on him, their throat will be slit. I hate that people catagorize me as emo. and i hate those few older kids that make fun of me for being straight edge, fuck off. i've never done anything to them, so why don't they leave me the fuck alone. i'm not straight edge, i curse, i drink soda, and i believe in sex before marriage. i'm drug free. fuck ya'll. i love boys who have hair in their face, "emo hair" whatever. i love one boy in particular, i really do. love has tricked me before. and i'm a strong believer in love at first sight. it's totally possible, or it seems like it is to me. i'm also a strong believer in falling in love for the first time, when it's that person's first time too, if that makes any sense.
i'm loving school and life right now. i love the way everything is fanning out, like it's supposed to or something, like my cards are already laid out. but i don't believe in that. Fate. it seems weird to me to think that there is some higher power, that hasn't been proved real, is controlling my life for me. i like to think that i make my own desicions and i make my own choices and the things that happen in my life are a result of the choices i make. not any one else's. i'm totally interested in psychology. i think i've finally found something that's worth going to school for. i really want to learn. i have a passion for learning. but not the school kind. reading books is probably my favorite past time. i want to become as smart as i possibly can. but not one of those nerds or anything. just smart. so many of my friends are just really smart. i'm envious of them. sometimes when i say something, i replay the scene in my mind and i can't believe i said that. i think there's something wrong with that filter in my mind that sifts out things that aren't acceptable or appropriate to say. i'm not afraid of not having friends or ending up lonely for a while. in fact, i like it when i'm home by myself. i like sitting in my room and thinking about things. i like thinking about what's going to happen to me in the upcoming years. i make up situations for everything and plan the way that i'd like them to go. i love going to conserts. i love dancing. i dont care if you hate those obnoxious assholes that just go fucking nuts while you're trying to watch the bands, i just don't give a fuck. when i'm watching MTV or one of those music channels, i wonder if the bands that are running around reaking havock on their tour busses and the venues that they play, really have that much fun when the cameras aren't rolling. and i wonder if i'll ever get to be in a band, cause that's one of the things that i want most. who cares, i'm a girl and i play guitar, so fucking let me in your band, you fucking asshole boys. i want to be closer with so many more people, and ever since i've lost close touch with kayla, i haven't been able to find someone to connect with in a best friend way, like i did with her. i love my little brother, seriously. he's the most awesome 14 year old that i know. if anyone lays a finger on him, their throat will be slit. I hate that people catagorize me as emo. and i hate those few older kids that make fun of me for being straight edge, fuck off. i've never done anything to them, so why don't they leave me the fuck alone. i'm not straight edge, i curse, i drink soda, and i believe in sex before marriage. i'm drug free. fuck ya'll. i love boys who have hair in their face, "emo hair" whatever. i love one boy in particular, i really do. love has tricked me before. and i'm a strong believer in love at first sight. it's totally possible, or it seems like it is to me. i'm also a strong believer in falling in love for the first time, when it's that person's first time too, if that makes any sense.