(no subject)
i miss him right now. at which point did things become so...so...all or nothing?
i had late night pizza with jp today at which when we werent talking about sports and soccer most of our conversations revered my mind to joe and how strange and yet somehow comforting our relationship was. "was" because since the Spain trip became official, it hasnt been the same, it isnt comforting and some of that is within me too. It wasn't what he was trying to do to hurt me that hurt me because i knew thats all he was trying to do, but the intentions of hurting me that hurt me. and even though, we've discussed it, I can't help having a hard time understanding why you would sell yourself to an all or nothing pain.
jp said he wondered what a phone conversation with me would be like because my thoughts are always so spuratic and i jump from idea to idea, coming back to each one, but never fully completing them. I wasnt completely offended because I was more curious of how he even came to that conclusion. Then I started evaluating to myself how I had probably become less disciplined in maintaining a linear focus with people since hanging out with Joe had become more frequent. We are able to jump from idea to idea and finish each others thoughts. With the people I find myself most drawn to and connected with like Nomy or Keith... use a similar pace and pattern of thought. But that at least, was what elicited what I'm writing about tonight anyways.
This Spain trip is somewhat hard to swallow. I'm suuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuper excited. I have so much to look forward to which is what stems to instability here as well. I already miss so much. Sometimes it hits me that 6 months is a really long time, other times its just a number and words and I dont really feel it. I swore early on I wouldnt have a boyfriend the next time I left to Spain and I know, without a doubt, I still have to stick to that. I also know the relationship, I wasnt expecting, doesnt have the maturity it requires to suffer 6 months. Nonetheless I'm happy with what grew between us. I know its all still fresh and it hurts the both of us, but I'm hoping that attempted stability and comfort wont go in vain. ironically so.
i had late night pizza with jp today at which when we werent talking about sports and soccer most of our conversations revered my mind to joe and how strange and yet somehow comforting our relationship was. "was" because since the Spain trip became official, it hasnt been the same, it isnt comforting and some of that is within me too. It wasn't what he was trying to do to hurt me that hurt me because i knew thats all he was trying to do, but the intentions of hurting me that hurt me. and even though, we've discussed it, I can't help having a hard time understanding why you would sell yourself to an all or nothing pain.
jp said he wondered what a phone conversation with me would be like because my thoughts are always so spuratic and i jump from idea to idea, coming back to each one, but never fully completing them. I wasnt completely offended because I was more curious of how he even came to that conclusion. Then I started evaluating to myself how I had probably become less disciplined in maintaining a linear focus with people since hanging out with Joe had become more frequent. We are able to jump from idea to idea and finish each others thoughts. With the people I find myself most drawn to and connected with like Nomy or Keith... use a similar pace and pattern of thought. But that at least, was what elicited what I'm writing about tonight anyways.
This Spain trip is somewhat hard to swallow. I'm suuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuper excited. I have so much to look forward to which is what stems to instability here as well. I already miss so much. Sometimes it hits me that 6 months is a really long time, other times its just a number and words and I dont really feel it. I swore early on I wouldnt have a boyfriend the next time I left to Spain and I know, without a doubt, I still have to stick to that. I also know the relationship, I wasnt expecting, doesnt have the maturity it requires to suffer 6 months. Nonetheless I'm happy with what grew between us. I know its all still fresh and it hurts the both of us, but I'm hoping that attempted stability and comfort wont go in vain. ironically so.