So, like...
I did the thing. The thing being completed my thesis. That's one hell of achievement.
But oh my god my professor. Y'all... Check this shit.
Hi Stephanie,
You have a story with a lot of possibilities, but you need to get things moving faster into bigger conflict.
It's good that by page 5 or so, we begin to see the conflict when the boy goes up against the locker and becomes a bloody mess.
That first chapter is really important so it has to be perfect and believable.
This escalates well into Chapter Two, once it is in Chapter Two. You have most of the main characters introduced by Chapter Two, so that is a victory.
You have to get readers to buy into the idea that everyone in the story seems to be so familiar with telekenesis, that it's a common, everyday pheomenon. That's call creating credible fantasy. I would make it something that few people understand. Annabelle and her friend and the center could be like "Men In Black" in the sense that they are somewhat secretive. You have to make sure you get readers to suspend their sense of reality. Or you have to find a way to indicate how the Center has recently, in the past few years, done a tremendous amount of research and now the world knows more about the phenomenon.
What about the consent of Jennifer's mother, bitch that she is, because Jennifer is a minor? She'd have to approve that Jenny would leave school for the Center. You need to work that out, way before page 31 when they bring it up.
The plot is intriguing but I'd like to see a wee bit less dialogue and more description, especially setting description. Readers must feel engaged, as if they are inside the story walking around in there with the characters. You do that by creating setting with sensory details. You don't have to call time out to do that; it's best to describe settings as you are walking the characters through the scenery as the story moves forward.
The mother is an asshole, no doubt, but she should have some saving force or she becomes a 1-dimensional cardboard cut out. She should have a wee bit of compassion and love for her daughter, even though it doesn't come out much. She can be an antagonist but she shouldn't be a flat character.
I do have a concern that there might be too much detailing. We want to take out all the parts people don;'t need to read so that the pace of the plot quckens. It is pretty dialogue heavy and I think that slows it down. Don't get me wrong, some of the dialogue is very helpful, but that creates too much explanation and the story isn't moving quite fast enough. We give readers information on an as-needed basis. Instead of Annabelle saying all these things that are going to happen, and that she's going to get a student handbook, and so on, just write some of it summarily. This happened, that happened, she picked up her handbook, and so on, and they you march into the heart of the conflict. She's still unpacking on page 46.
I think the success of your novel is going to depend on putting one intense scene after another after another after another. Yes, there are always resting periods--rising and falling action, but this has to be gripping and intense. What she can to with her telekenisis is interesting, but puy her into some shitstorms and make her run through hell wearing gasoline shorts. Action over explanation. 74 pages is os 20-25% through the book, and by now, Jenny should be getting into some trouble. They are still testing her on page 67.
So my advice is get things moving faster. Think of how you can make the worst possible things happen. How are you going to believably make all hell break loose and most especially how Jenny is going to get turned loose with those talents.
If the whole novel takes place in the Center, it's not going to work, I don't think. So my best advice is that you have a great idea, but what you need to do, in movie terminology, is "cut to the chase."
I hope this is all helpful advice. I'll be rooting for you. I upped the points from the rubrics because I have limited points choices in between the three boxes with points.
Well, thank you very much for your wonderful kindness, Professor! Maybe if you had given me this kind of feedback with the first three segment submissions or told me anything other than my dialogue was spot on and great, I might have been able to do something about it!
But, see, here's the thing. 1) you're basing nearly all your page number assumptions off a word document that's set in times new roman, double spaced, with 1" margins. That's not how manuscripts are formatted. 2) how dare you assume you know how long my story is going to be? Assuming that I'm currently 20-25% of the way through my story assumes that you know my story is going to be 100,000 words. You don't know that. I don't know that. That depends entirely on how the rest of my planned story manifests. 3) GET YOUR SUBJECTIVITY OUT OF MY GOD DAMNED THESIS CRITICISM, YOU ASSHOLE. Like. You contradict the hell out of yourself, but at the same time, I am not Grisham/Criton/Any other action porn author. I *LIKE* the informational build up, and so do a lot of my friends and fellow readers. Do I need more setting and character action description? Yes. I layer that shit in, and it is an ongoing process as I write. THere's stuff that'll happen 6 chapters from where I am now that will necessitate more of that layering, and I will happily go back and do it...but I don't KNOW what I need yet, because I'm not THERE yet.
God damn. Look, I'm well aware it can be hard to give critique, especially on something that you don't particularly care for. As an instructor, however, you have got to stay objective. that is your job. I also know that sometimes it's hard for me to take criticism, for all of us to, because we want our babies to be well received and liked by everyone. But dude. DUDE. This is just not it.
The problem with a rubric for what really is meant to be a short story being applied to novels has been deftly exemplified by this ass. Thank god it's done and that I don't have to do this again.
But oh my god my professor. Y'all... Check this shit.
Hi Stephanie,
You have a story with a lot of possibilities, but you need to get things moving faster into bigger conflict.
It's good that by page 5 or so, we begin to see the conflict when the boy goes up against the locker and becomes a bloody mess.
That first chapter is really important so it has to be perfect and believable.
This escalates well into Chapter Two, once it is in Chapter Two. You have most of the main characters introduced by Chapter Two, so that is a victory.
You have to get readers to buy into the idea that everyone in the story seems to be so familiar with telekenesis, that it's a common, everyday pheomenon. That's call creating credible fantasy. I would make it something that few people understand. Annabelle and her friend and the center could be like "Men In Black" in the sense that they are somewhat secretive. You have to make sure you get readers to suspend their sense of reality. Or you have to find a way to indicate how the Center has recently, in the past few years, done a tremendous amount of research and now the world knows more about the phenomenon.
What about the consent of Jennifer's mother, bitch that she is, because Jennifer is a minor? She'd have to approve that Jenny would leave school for the Center. You need to work that out, way before page 31 when they bring it up.
The plot is intriguing but I'd like to see a wee bit less dialogue and more description, especially setting description. Readers must feel engaged, as if they are inside the story walking around in there with the characters. You do that by creating setting with sensory details. You don't have to call time out to do that; it's best to describe settings as you are walking the characters through the scenery as the story moves forward.
The mother is an asshole, no doubt, but she should have some saving force or she becomes a 1-dimensional cardboard cut out. She should have a wee bit of compassion and love for her daughter, even though it doesn't come out much. She can be an antagonist but she shouldn't be a flat character.
I do have a concern that there might be too much detailing. We want to take out all the parts people don;'t need to read so that the pace of the plot quckens. It is pretty dialogue heavy and I think that slows it down. Don't get me wrong, some of the dialogue is very helpful, but that creates too much explanation and the story isn't moving quite fast enough. We give readers information on an as-needed basis. Instead of Annabelle saying all these things that are going to happen, and that she's going to get a student handbook, and so on, just write some of it summarily. This happened, that happened, she picked up her handbook, and so on, and they you march into the heart of the conflict. She's still unpacking on page 46.
I think the success of your novel is going to depend on putting one intense scene after another after another after another. Yes, there are always resting periods--rising and falling action, but this has to be gripping and intense. What she can to with her telekenisis is interesting, but puy her into some shitstorms and make her run through hell wearing gasoline shorts. Action over explanation. 74 pages is os 20-25% through the book, and by now, Jenny should be getting into some trouble. They are still testing her on page 67.
So my advice is get things moving faster. Think of how you can make the worst possible things happen. How are you going to believably make all hell break loose and most especially how Jenny is going to get turned loose with those talents.
If the whole novel takes place in the Center, it's not going to work, I don't think. So my best advice is that you have a great idea, but what you need to do, in movie terminology, is "cut to the chase."
I hope this is all helpful advice. I'll be rooting for you. I upped the points from the rubrics because I have limited points choices in between the three boxes with points.
Well, thank you very much for your wonderful kindness, Professor! Maybe if you had given me this kind of feedback with the first three segment submissions or told me anything other than my dialogue was spot on and great, I might have been able to do something about it!
But, see, here's the thing. 1) you're basing nearly all your page number assumptions off a word document that's set in times new roman, double spaced, with 1" margins. That's not how manuscripts are formatted. 2) how dare you assume you know how long my story is going to be? Assuming that I'm currently 20-25% of the way through my story assumes that you know my story is going to be 100,000 words. You don't know that. I don't know that. That depends entirely on how the rest of my planned story manifests. 3) GET YOUR SUBJECTIVITY OUT OF MY GOD DAMNED THESIS CRITICISM, YOU ASSHOLE. Like. You contradict the hell out of yourself, but at the same time, I am not Grisham/Criton/Any other action porn author. I *LIKE* the informational build up, and so do a lot of my friends and fellow readers. Do I need more setting and character action description? Yes. I layer that shit in, and it is an ongoing process as I write. THere's stuff that'll happen 6 chapters from where I am now that will necessitate more of that layering, and I will happily go back and do it...but I don't KNOW what I need yet, because I'm not THERE yet.
God damn. Look, I'm well aware it can be hard to give critique, especially on something that you don't particularly care for. As an instructor, however, you have got to stay objective. that is your job. I also know that sometimes it's hard for me to take criticism, for all of us to, because we want our babies to be well received and liked by everyone. But dude. DUDE. This is just not it.
The problem with a rubric for what really is meant to be a short story being applied to novels has been deftly exemplified by this ass. Thank god it's done and that I don't have to do this again.