(Untitled)

[xsleepdeprived]

Didn't make anything in the musical, musical revue, or play. Tomorrow better be better. I wrote a vignette for my English projectthing we have to do...I'll cut it.

Comments

The longest comment ever. Er, I tried to keep it short?

[earthward]

Umm this was verygood. I don't like commenting in comments unless specific commenty things spring to mind, but as I have no other options *martyred sigh* haha ^_^;; I like your writing style with the run together "justcheese" and the hostesses name, and just the voice you have in your narration. It's very distinctive which was the point of your assignment I believe? Well you win. Yayy. Very neat and smooth, begins nicely, ends nicely without a sense of "oh shit this is getting too long!", which is hard to do in vignettes, jumps you in right off and eases you out gently. Your narrator was well done too, she didn't jump in and take over the piece, but you got a good sense of her feelings, character, and friendship with Michael in certain sentences. Showing not telling= madrad haha. Overall well done and enjoyable to read *thumbs up*

Picking: Oi honestly I re-read this a few times and a lot of my picks were because I'm way tired and still haven't started my homework. So to sum it up, give us a bit more sensory detail, you've used sight in a basic sense, more detailed when describing Dante, and there's lots of lovely dialogue, and that's good, that's the focus of your wee "snapshot of life". But most snapshots have a background even if it's fuzzy and out of focus. I'd try getting a few more senses in there and seeing how that feels, it could get the reader more involved in the piece. Perhaps, for instance, give us a little detail on the boy who insults Michael, we don't need a name or even his appearance if that's giving him too much personality (I get the feeling he might be left very anonymous on purpose) but what does his voice sound like? Gravelly? Cold? For that matter what do Dante and Michael's voices sound like? What sort of furniture are they sitting on? Is there something about the house/apartment/wherever they are that could add to the atmosphere? A smell? Just pack in lots of detail I think, make your wee snapshot as vibrant (funword!) as possible.

Yes. Yes that last bit was in question form just to annoy you. ^_^

Keep in mind those are just things to try out and see how they affect the piece, if it works best the way it is (which I can certainly believe) then delete all changes and keep as is. I'll say again as I think rambled in picking at it: waygood. Distinctive, smooth, and enjoyable to read. And that last one would be the whole point wouldn't it?