Gender stuff
So I went through a bunch of my cloths tonight and tried some of them on just I don't know, to wear them? I guess I needed to be sure that I didn't want to right
Well some of them are okay, like I could wear them under shirts (things with collars, and sleeves) but I don't think I can wear most of them. I have bras and undies I will probably never wear again. Which is a little sad, it feels like saying goodbye to most of my life.
Here is the funny thing. I was looking at myself in these cloths and I was like "I look good, I look like a sexy girl" and I could appreciate myself looking attractive and pretty in these things, which is something I could never do before. Now however even though I can admit that, a major feat, I still feel dirty and wrong.
Like I'm wearing someone else' skin, like I just raided my sisters underwear drawer. It wasn't me. This should be a liberating feeling, in theory, but it felt scary and more than a little sad. Here was this person I was trying so hard to be because I thought I had to be this person. Randomly when I didn't want to I achieved that look that I was looking for and could admit I look gorgeous, and it just made me feel MORE uncomfortable.
I felt like I was saying goodbye, or maybe that I was sad because it took so long to just do what I needed to do, when I knew I had to do it in 2007, but I couldn't man up and do it then because I was afraid.
I don't know why I felt sad, I shouldn't have, I have realized who I am and what I want. But I do, I wish I had known sooner, or had more time to explore. In a few months however I'm just going to have to pack all this away for another couple of years until I'm secure enough to try again.
Well some of them are okay, like I could wear them under shirts (things with collars, and sleeves) but I don't think I can wear most of them. I have bras and undies I will probably never wear again. Which is a little sad, it feels like saying goodbye to most of my life.
Here is the funny thing. I was looking at myself in these cloths and I was like "I look good, I look like a sexy girl" and I could appreciate myself looking attractive and pretty in these things, which is something I could never do before. Now however even though I can admit that, a major feat, I still feel dirty and wrong.
Like I'm wearing someone else' skin, like I just raided my sisters underwear drawer. It wasn't me. This should be a liberating feeling, in theory, but it felt scary and more than a little sad. Here was this person I was trying so hard to be because I thought I had to be this person. Randomly when I didn't want to I achieved that look that I was looking for and could admit I look gorgeous, and it just made me feel MORE uncomfortable.
I felt like I was saying goodbye, or maybe that I was sad because it took so long to just do what I needed to do, when I knew I had to do it in 2007, but I couldn't man up and do it then because I was afraid.
I don't know why I felt sad, I shouldn't have, I have realized who I am and what I want. But I do, I wish I had known sooner, or had more time to explore. In a few months however I'm just going to have to pack all this away for another couple of years until I'm secure enough to try again.