Far Away
Title: Far Away
Rating: PG
Pairing: Dean/Castiel
Spoilers: Season 5 into early S6... so not really.
Word Count: 2,027
Summary: Castiel has always loved Dean, has always protected him, and Dean isn't allowed to remember any of it... until now.
A/N: Cross posted here and at my ff.net (AngstIsMyMiddleName). Based loosely on the song Far Away by Nickelback.
It was long ago, long before recorded time and even before the age of man that the angel Castiel learned of his future task involving one Dean Winchester. He was honored by the task. Not every angel could say they had rescued a soul from the depths of Hell. It is the greatest assignment they could ask for. Therefore, Castiel made the trip to Earth to observe the birth of this precious human. It was his first time being in the presence of so many humans and many more emotions. Fear, anger, love, pain: they all swirled around the hospital room until the sound of a squalling child silenced everyone. The (proud) parents' eyes glistened with tears of complete joy, even through the exhaustion of their ordeal. The newborn's soul shone out brighter than any Castiel had ever seen, the life force strong within him. He knew that the mother (Mary) would insist on naming the child Dean, and the father (John) would agree that it was a fine name.
So began Castiel's time with Dean. Mary seemed to be able to sense him nearby and always told Dean that an angel was watching over him. He helped save him many times, looking out for him, being a voice of reason… he even went into his dreams. Always a nondescript form but always with the ever-shifting blue eyes the angel knew the human would one day see him with. As a young child, he would always ask, "When can I see you for real? I want to really see you…" and Castiel would always have to say, "Someday… but not for a long time," causing the boy to pout. So the angel would offer to make the dream a very good one and keep away the nightmares that seemed to plague him. This made Dean happy, at least for a while, especially after the death of his mother.
Then, one day, Castiel was called to Heaven and ordered to distance himself from the Winchester child. He tried to protest but to no avail. They at least offered him a final visit to his young charge, now thirteen.
"This is the last time you will see me here, Dean Winchester," he said calmly, "I have to leave."
The boy looked suddenly heartbroken, jumping off the dream-playground equipment and running to the angel, shouting, "No! Why? You can't leave! You can't!"
"I must."
"But Mom always said you were here to watch over me!"
His words cut deep, but Castiel remained calm, replying, "And so I shall. You just won't be able to see me anymore… at least not for a while. I promise I will see you again."
"When?"
"Many years from now."
Dean railed against him, yelling about how that wasn't good enough and how he was liar and how he knew he would leave.
"I should've known you'd leave! You never even told me your name!"
"I'm sorry."
It was all Castiel said before he disappeared from the dream. He hung around the boy's life until he could no longer be called a boy, trying to protect him from the shadows. Castiel couldn't help himself. He was tied to the young hunter. He had to help out whenever he sensed the human was in danger or in pain, simply counting down the time until he could reveal himself fully to the hunter. Meanwhile, he could sense (in a way) all the pain and anguish the hunter felt, and it hurt his Grace to even minimally feel it and know he could do nothing about it.
Then, Dean was dragged into Hell.
Castiel was ready to go and save him, and he was frustrated by the fact that he had to wait to retrieve his charge. He waited impatiently for the order to be given to go in (he could not feel him from there) and recover the hunter.
When it was finally ordered, he practically launched himself into Hell to pull him out. His soul shone out like a beacon to Castiel, as bright as on the day of his birth, drawing him in, pulling his focus into one spot. All else was blocked from the angel's mind. He paid no heed to the myriad demons and tortured souls scrabbling for his attention. He found Dean with Alastair, flaying a soul on a rack. His soul's form was human, looking as Dean did in life. His naked form was hunched and cowering, covered in blood and grime save for two clean tear-streaks down his face. He was clearly unhappy and fearful, simply taking orders he didn't want to carry out but had to if he didn't want to go back on the racks himself. Castiel's own soul hurt for him. He sent Alastair away and moved to Dean's side. His green eyes were rimmed in angry red and wide with surprise. He stared at Castiel for a moment before murmuring, "I know you," in a broken voice. The angel gripped his left bicep tightly and whispered, "Yes, but you won't remember."
Castiel made sure that Dean did not remember him, the pain of his soul being replaced in his body, the pain of the angel leaving him all those years ago. He did not remember the angel when Castiel showed up at the warehouse and revealed himself. Dean was surprised, showed a small amount of recognition, like a person seeing someone vaguely recognizable and being unable to pinpoint why they were familiar. He set plans to get closer to Dean, to become a friend, someone Dean could go to if he were in trouble… and it worked. It worked until they sent Sam and Lucifer into the Pit. When restored to his full Grace, he left again. Left without a goodbye. He wanted to help, to make Dean happy again, to give him his brother back, but he knew he couldn't. There was a war going on in Heaven, one that required his presence. He couldn't leave, no matter how much Sam called him. (Although he found himself strangely unconcerned with Sam. It had to be his lack of a soul.) Somewhere inside himself, Castiel knew that if Dean called him, he would drop everything to go to him, to help him… but Dean never called for him.
When he finally does, Castiel is there in an instant. Sam mocks him, but the angel does not care. When he finally gets a moment alone with Dean, he can feel the anger rolling off the human in waves.
"You're angry with me, Dean," is all he says.
"Damn right I am. You left without saying goodbye, didn't show up for a whole-"
"You never called," he responds in a quiet but deadly voice, "I would've dropped everything and come if only you had called. I waited to hear your voice over our bond, but you couldn't be bothered. Do you even care about me at all?"
The hunter blushes slightly but says, "Of course, Cas. I-"
"Do you remember when I was mostly human?" the angel says, quickly changing tack.
"Yeah. Couldn't forget that."
"Did I not sleep? And dream?"
"Well, I saw you sleeping a couple times. I guess you probably had dreams. Lots of people do."
"I dreamed often. Nearly every time I slept. Some good… more bad. I would dream of having my Grace restored, of being useful again, defeating Lucifer. You were… happy. Sam was okay. Bobby was okay. Everyone was happy, at peace. You still hunted things but you weren't as grim or angry… and I was with you the whole way, helping you. It was like a glimpse of the future," Castiel explains quietly, "But there were also the bad dreams, and they, too, appeared to be the future, like two paths to choose from. These were very bad. They all ended in your death, but I was still alive, nearly entirely human, so I could not follow you. There was a… horrible realization that I had to wait many years until my own death to see you again, that they would be long and lonely. In many of them, I was forced to watch you die, helpless, unable to do anything to save you, and it wounded me down to my soul. I wept for your death, for my humanity."
He hears Dean swallow before saying, "That's normal for humans, Cas."
"In the last dream I had, we made a pact… to die together, so neither of us would have to be alone. You died in my arms… and then… I killed myself."
The human looks horrified and stammers, "Stop… don't…"
"I was strangely at peace," he continues, suddenly needing to know that Dean knew, "knowing that I wouldn't have to live without you."
Dean is carefully avoiding direct eye contact, so Castiel sighs softly and says, "I realize I should have come to see you, but you were also in the wrong. Why did you not call for me?"
The hunter continues to avert his eyes, looking anywhere but at the angel. Castiel already knows what answer he wants to hear.
"I guess…" he explains slowly, "I guess I just wanted a shot at being normal, doing the whole wife-and-kid schtick even if me and Lisa weren't married. I just wanted to be normal for once in my life. Calling on angels to come visit isn't exactly normal, no matter how bad you wanna see 'em."
The flush in cheeks deepens, as if those last words weren't supposed to come out.
"You wanted to see me?"
He still does not look up, does not respond. Castiel presses him, stepping closer, inches away, and asking, "Dean… if you wished to see me so badly, why did you not call for me? I would have come here in an instant."
"If you had come… I would've wanted you to stay. I wouldn't've let you leave. Not for anything."
They are close enough to breathe each other's air. It was a moment before Castiel breathed, "Why?"
He can hear Dean's heart pounding in his chest, feel something like fear swirling around him. There is a very pregnant pause. Then…
"Because…" the hunter whispers, "because I love you. I think a part of me's been in love with you the whole time, ever since you pulled me from Hell."
"It did create a profound bond between us."
It is all he can think of to say momentarily. Castiel is close enough to count every freckle on Dean's face if he wanted, every eyelash. The bottom of the handprint just barely peeks out from under the edge of the sleeve of his T-shirt. The hunter still refuses to look at the angel. Castiel reaches out and slowly covers the mark with his hand. Green eyes snap up to meet vivid blue.
"Cas, what-?"
"I have loved you since time immemorial, Dean Winchester," Castiel murmurs, pressing their foreheads together, eyes never leaving each other's, "My entire existence is linked to yours, and I love you. Never forget that."
"I won't, Cas. Never."
The hunter closes the distance between them and softly presses his lips to Castiel's. They were warm and lightly chapped and moist, and Castiel froze, unsure of what to do. Dean continued to press feather-light kisses to the angel's lips, wrapping his arms around his neck. After a while, the hunter whispers (almost desperate), "Please kiss me back," and the angel cautiously opens his mouth. Dean carefully slipped his tongue into Castiel's mouth. He tasted of beer and something sweet and Dean. The angel's fingers tighten on the handprint as their tongues swirl together slowly, passionately, lovingly. It feels as though the hunter were trying to remember every detail of the angel's mouth, tasting every inch. Castiel clumsily reciprocates until it becomes necessary for him to break the kiss.
"I have to leave, Dean, but I'll return whenever you call."
"I just want to stay like this," Dean murmurs, uncharacteristically quiet and emotional and open, "I just want you to hold me and never let go."
"I wish I could, but the war… I'm needed. Remember, I will come if you call."
"Okay."
Another kiss, and he is gone.
A/N 2: Thinking of expanding the dream theme. Thoughts?