Thinking is all.
Alright I know I haven't been keeping up with this thing...
But life has been moving way too fast for me to even catch my breath.
I feel kind of dumb talking about this in my livejournal, but I figured I'd get some real feelings out before the monster-update full of summer photos that is coming your way.
I feel very lost people. I've always known I've felt this way but it was weird...when I woke up this morning I woke up with the strangest gut feeling about everything. I feel like I tossed myself in my own cage and it was locked with a key that got misplaced a long time ago. Friends...just don't fit together as nicely as they used to. It's that type of deal where you are so close to finishing that puzzle but one big piece will always be missing. People...just something to watch and make you feel a little bit better about your situation. They are sneaky and won't think twice about betraying you. This is why I'm so fond of children...I'd rather be around kids anyday. The only thing that may get to them is a scrape on the knee or not getting that reese cup on the store shelf. That's it. They are so angelic and so pure in everything they could possibly set their mind to. They aren't afraid of the future. They aren't afraid of getting older. You see I kind of turned into my own enemy. I'm so afraid. Senior year this is it guys. Then what happens? That's when you see alot of people disappear.
I know what's to come for me this year. I live my life so afraid of hurting everyone's feelings because I can never make up my mind. It kills me knowing that so many truths have to be hidden in order for life to just go on normally. Even if I attempted the truth I'd get a taste of whats to come. I don't want that...not at all. I just want to keep a steady group of friends. I know four solid friends. Don't leave me guys. Don't let me push you away. Let me feel comfortable in telling you my highs and lows. Be there for me even if I don't always keep in touch.
I'm so fucking selfish. Not with others...I do a great deal for others even if it goes unnoticed. But with myself. I'll make people just sit around and wait for me to realize exactly what I want...and when the wait is over it's usually not them that I've spent all this time thinking about. They get hurt. You guys I'm always gunna hurt you. You know why? Because i'm so afraid of hurting you that I'll try to please you so hard...until I can't go any further. I know my limits. We all do. And I know the looks on all of your faces very well. I know what upsets you or excites you. And when I get to know someone so well I never want to be their disappointment...because I've seen what the past did to them.
I know eveything is not right. I know that I keep everything to myself. Well kelsea knows everything but she doesn't make me feel stupid at all for the words I have to say. Everyone else is too busy being trapped in their own cages I guess.
So this is growing up huh? This is it? This is what I used to dream about when I was a little girl? It's all so funny in a sick and twisted way. It's as if I perfected the game called life. No not the board game but the real life...I know how to push most people to their limits and I know how to make them ecstatic.
My problem you ask? Is that my feeling are like making a difficult soup.
2 parts fear.
1 part selfishness.
3 parts acting.
6 parts true feelings.
5 parts misleading.
8 parts genuine.
That actually makes no sense so take it how you would like. It's just an example.
Overall I know what I want and it's not here. Going to new hampshire made me realize a whole lot of stuff that I chose to blind myself from. I can't hurt your feelings I just can't. It's the worst I could possibly be capable of doing. I realized what I want out of life. I achieved peace there. Something that has been absent for quite a long time. What is the number one feeling that I felt while coming home? That's right fear. Fear of everything I left behind.
It's inevitable that everyone will hurt someone throughout their lifetime...I'm just not capable of doing it without tearing myself apart.
So I'm sitting here now...stressing about work and school.
I don't think I'll feel comfortable with myself for the entire year.
I'm sick of everything somehow getting ruined.
But this mess...I got myself in.
And I gotta find a way out.
:(
But life has been moving way too fast for me to even catch my breath.
I feel kind of dumb talking about this in my livejournal, but I figured I'd get some real feelings out before the monster-update full of summer photos that is coming your way.
I feel very lost people. I've always known I've felt this way but it was weird...when I woke up this morning I woke up with the strangest gut feeling about everything. I feel like I tossed myself in my own cage and it was locked with a key that got misplaced a long time ago. Friends...just don't fit together as nicely as they used to. It's that type of deal where you are so close to finishing that puzzle but one big piece will always be missing. People...just something to watch and make you feel a little bit better about your situation. They are sneaky and won't think twice about betraying you. This is why I'm so fond of children...I'd rather be around kids anyday. The only thing that may get to them is a scrape on the knee or not getting that reese cup on the store shelf. That's it. They are so angelic and so pure in everything they could possibly set their mind to. They aren't afraid of the future. They aren't afraid of getting older. You see I kind of turned into my own enemy. I'm so afraid. Senior year this is it guys. Then what happens? That's when you see alot of people disappear.
I know what's to come for me this year. I live my life so afraid of hurting everyone's feelings because I can never make up my mind. It kills me knowing that so many truths have to be hidden in order for life to just go on normally. Even if I attempted the truth I'd get a taste of whats to come. I don't want that...not at all. I just want to keep a steady group of friends. I know four solid friends. Don't leave me guys. Don't let me push you away. Let me feel comfortable in telling you my highs and lows. Be there for me even if I don't always keep in touch.
I'm so fucking selfish. Not with others...I do a great deal for others even if it goes unnoticed. But with myself. I'll make people just sit around and wait for me to realize exactly what I want...and when the wait is over it's usually not them that I've spent all this time thinking about. They get hurt. You guys I'm always gunna hurt you. You know why? Because i'm so afraid of hurting you that I'll try to please you so hard...until I can't go any further. I know my limits. We all do. And I know the looks on all of your faces very well. I know what upsets you or excites you. And when I get to know someone so well I never want to be their disappointment...because I've seen what the past did to them.
I know eveything is not right. I know that I keep everything to myself. Well kelsea knows everything but she doesn't make me feel stupid at all for the words I have to say. Everyone else is too busy being trapped in their own cages I guess.
So this is growing up huh? This is it? This is what I used to dream about when I was a little girl? It's all so funny in a sick and twisted way. It's as if I perfected the game called life. No not the board game but the real life...I know how to push most people to their limits and I know how to make them ecstatic.
My problem you ask? Is that my feeling are like making a difficult soup.
2 parts fear.
1 part selfishness.
3 parts acting.
6 parts true feelings.
5 parts misleading.
8 parts genuine.
That actually makes no sense so take it how you would like. It's just an example.
Overall I know what I want and it's not here. Going to new hampshire made me realize a whole lot of stuff that I chose to blind myself from. I can't hurt your feelings I just can't. It's the worst I could possibly be capable of doing. I realized what I want out of life. I achieved peace there. Something that has been absent for quite a long time. What is the number one feeling that I felt while coming home? That's right fear. Fear of everything I left behind.
It's inevitable that everyone will hurt someone throughout their lifetime...I'm just not capable of doing it without tearing myself apart.
So I'm sitting here now...stressing about work and school.
I don't think I'll feel comfortable with myself for the entire year.
I'm sick of everything somehow getting ruined.
But this mess...I got myself in.
And I gotta find a way out.
:(