I Just Want You to Know Who I Am
Title: I Just Want You to Know Who I am
Chapter: Chapter Two
Authors: xsilverxlightx
Rating: PG-13
Pairing: Remus/Sirius, James/Lily
Characters: Remus, Sirius, James, Lily, Peter, and Albus
Word Count: 5,132
Summary: Remus and Sirius have an argument. Peter lies. No one knows who to trust anymore.
Author's Note: I was really planning on only writing two chapters but I keep developing the idea behind this so I'll keep writing, I guess. I promise, Of Night and Light has not been completely abandoned. I will work on the next chapter of that very soon.
Previous Chapters: Chapter One
And all I can taste is this moment
And all I can breathe is your life
Cause sooner or later it's over
I just don't want to miss you tonight
Remus is scared. No, actually, he’s terrified. He’s been worried sick for the past three hours. Sirius should have been home by now. He has no idea where he could be or why he would be so late. Of course his mind had already come up with several possibilities, none of which he wants to think about. There are the obvious ones, that the Death Eaters have caught him or killed him. Then there are the others, which are probably worse, where he thinks that Sirius might be hiding something from him and he hates himself for those thoughts. Sirius loves him. He would never betray them.
The lock on the door clicks as it is opened. Remus jumps up and nearly knocks the full tea cup over. He has been too nervous to drink anything. Sirius is standing in the doorway, alive and well. Remus is overjoyed and at the same time very worried. “Where the bloody hell have you been?” he asks softly as he crosses the room and embraces his lover. Sirius hugs him tightly and kisses his cheek.
“I had to stay late for work and then I stopped by to visit Peter and lost track of the time,” Sirius admits. “I’m sorry, Moony, I didn’t mean to worry you.”
“What makes you think I was worried?” Remus questions. Now that he knows Sirius is safe and had a logical excuse, he is quite relieved.
Sirius grins and kisses him before responding. “You were making your worried Moony face,” Sirius does his best to imitate the look of concern that Remus had etched across his face until moments ago. “And you practically threw yourself at me and although I know I am quite handsome, throwing one’s self at people is my job, not yours.”
Remus pulled away, a look of mild annoyance and amusement struggling across his features. He cuffs Sirius lightly on the ear. “It wouldn’t kill you to let me know if you’re running late, would it?” he folds his arms across his chest before walking out of the hall and back to the kitchen.
Sirius is grinning as he follows Remus back into the kitchen. “We sound like an old married couple,” Sirius explains when Remus sends him a questioning glance. It makes Remus laugh. Sirius loves when he makes Moony laugh. It doesn’t happen enough anymore, he thinks sadly. Remus starts making tea. Sirius sneaks up behind him. Moony tries to solve everything with tea or chocolate; Sirius always finds it amusing.
Sirius solves things with physical proximity; Remus finds it ridiculous, but more often than not, quite effective. Right now, Remus decides, it’s quite effective. Sirius has snuck up behind him and wrapped his arms around Remus’ waist. Now he’s kissing his neck. “You had me so worried,” Remus admits. He turns around to face Sirius. Sirius rests his head on Remus’ shoulder. “Promise me you’ll let me know if it happens again.”
Sirius nods and pulls away slightly. “Sorry Moony,” he mutters before kissing him. Sirius very much enjoys kissing Remus. He got caught up in it very easily. He jumps when the teapot whistles loudly. Remus chuckles softly as he turns away from Sirius to turn off the water. “You and your bloody tea,” Sirius complains, though he’s smiling.
“Yes, well, it always sends me an owl when it’s running late,” Remus replies, “unlike some people.” He is joking of course. He is still a bit on edge from worry but mostly he is just relieved that Sirius is home and is safe. He hates having to worry about that. They’re only twenty years old. They should not have to be so terrified every time the other leaves the safety of their flat or is running a bit late. This is not fair. They didn’t ask for this war. Remus didn’t regret it though. They were former Gryffindors. Bravery was important to all of them. They could not stand by and watch. They had to do something.
Sirius tenses. “I said I was sorry, Moony,” he mutters softly through gritted teeth. Remus notes that Sirius is not usually this moody. Sirius has already left the kitchen when Remus goes to apologize. They always joke with each other. What has gotten into Sirius? Why is he so edgy? Remus wants to forget these questions but he can’t. Something is wrong and he really doesn’t like it. What is Sirius hiding from him?
Remus forgets his tea again and goes in search of the other man. Sirius is sitting on the edge of their bed. Remus hesitates in the doorway. After knowing Sirius Black for almost a decade, he can tell when Sirius ought to be left alone. He knows this is one of those times. He enters the room anyway and sits down on the bed. Sirius’ head jerks up when he feels the mattress shift. Remus knows to wait for Sirius to speak first. He lies down on their bed and closes his eyes, expecting Sirius to yell. He is surprised when he feels the mattress shift as Sirius curls up next to him.
Sirius hates silence. He does not know what to say though. Eloquence was Moony’s expertise. Sirius got too emotional and would trip over his words. He wants to be able to tell Remus that he understands why Remus was upset and that he had no reason to get angry like he just did. He wants to tell Remus that he is just upset because he knows that Dumbledore still hasn’t forgiven him for leaving Peter and that he didn’t mind when Remus teases him but forgiveness is a sore spot right now. He can’t make himself say it though. He reaches up and gently places his hand on the side of his love’s face. His actions are deliberate. He can communicate better this way. He hopes it’s enough.
Remus forgets their fight when Sirius kisses him. He often wonders how on earth Sirius could have such a hold on him that he can’t even think about anything at all when he kisses him. Of course, this only occurs to him after the fact. When Sirius kisses him, things never seem so bad. It doesn’t matter that there is a war. It doesn’t matter if they were fighting. It doesn’t matter that they could die any day now. He stops worrying about their future and the fact that someone is betraying their friends. He isn’t a werewolf. Sirius isn’t an outcast from his family. They are just two people who are absolutely, madly in love and that is all that could possibly matter.
Sirius loves the way sometimes he can make Remus just as incoherent as he usually is. There are a lot of things Sirius loves, most of which involve Remus. Like the way Remus laughs and his smile… he thinks it was Remus’ smile that made him fall in love with him. He loved Remus for many reasons of course but that smile was what made him really fall in love with his best friend. He also loves the way that Remus can read him like a book and Remus is very good at reading books. It scares him though because he knows that he cannot read Remus in the same way. Remus always continues to amaze him, even when he thinks he’s figured him out. He thinks this a good thing, most of the time. But then there are the moments where he is truly scared because he knows Remus isn’t being completely open with him and he cannot for the life of him figure out what his lover is hiding.
The tea remains forgotten on the kitchen counter, along with Remus’ plans for making dinner. Sirius falls asleep with his arms around Remus as usual. Remus cannot sleep though. He’s beginning to remember everything that happened today and keeps replaying that moment of doubt. He sighs heavily and gently pulls himself free of Sirius’ grip. Sirius was always a heavy sleeper. He lays there for a few minutes, watching Sirius sleep. He cannot take it anymore. He quietly gets up and redresses. He leaves a note on his pillow saying he went out, don’t worry, he’ll be home soon.
Peter is still at St. Mungo’s so the mediwitches can do a few more tests to make sure there is no lasting damage or unknown side effects. The Death Eaters’ attacks have been getting more vicious and the spells more complicated and dangerous. Remus knocks softly on the doorframe. Peter looks up, a bit startled. “Remus!” He looks excited to have company, even if it is late at night.
Remus smiles as he enters the room and sits down on the chair next to Peter’s bed. “How are you, Wormtail?” he questions, feeling guilty for not having visited again sooner and now only because he’s frustrated with Sirius.
Peter smiles. “They said I’m lucky, no terrible side effects so far,” he explains. He sighs. “It’s rather boring though, just sitting here. I’m of no use to the Order when I’m sitting around here.” Peter, Remus thinks, has always been very concerned with being useful. He supposes that is what happens when you never seem to live up to the same standards as your friends. Peter never got top marks the way James, Sirius, and Remus had. Peter was always just their sidekick. He was always willing to help them in any way he could. He didn’t seek personal glory, he was happy to just share in the glow of his friends’ accomplishments.
“Something bothering you?” Peter asks. He was good at reading people. Peter could always tell when something was wrong. Remus really wasn’t sure how the boy, well, young man now, had always managed this. He was never the most perceptive otherwise but he knew when something was wrong and would do anything he could to help fix it. Remus always liked that about Peter. It was nice to have someone he could go to when things weren’t okay, other than Lily. Lily was an amazing woman but sometimes, Remus felt that Peter was better because Peter always listened and never let his own emotions cloud his judgment.
“Sirius was late coming home from work today,” Remus begins to explain. He breaks off and shakes his head, unable to meet Peter’s gaze. “I- I was so bloody worried about him. I thought something terrible must have happened… I was going out of my mind with worry. I mean, Merlin, we’re in the middle of this war and every time any of us leave… there is a chance we won’t come back.”
Remus takes a deep breath. “I couldn’t remember what the last thing I had said to him was this morning,” he confesses. “I was worried that the last thing either of us would have said to each other was something as utterly trivial as pass the toast.” He laughs bitterly. “He was two hours late. Anything could have happened to him in that time.” He breaks off again and buries his head in his hands.
Peter is very glad that Remus is not looking at him. He squirms uncomfortably. He knows what he has to do and what he has to say. He knows it’s necessary. Peter has always been there for Remus though. Remus trusts him. Peter needs him to keep trusting him. He always liked when Remus would come talk to him like this. Remus was right, Peter liked to be useful. He can see how much Remus truly loves Sirius right now and he doesn’t know if he can really bring himself to destroy something so beautiful, between two of his best friends no less. Its moments like this where Peter has the potential to truly be a brave Gryffindor; moments like this when he thinks he could die for them, James and Lily and baby Harry, Remus and Sirius. There are not enough people like them in the world. That’s why things got so bad. There are plenty of people like him though, those who could be brave if they really tried but in the end are too scared to actually stand up and doing anything good. He could not be like those people though. He could stand up and protect his friends. Protect their love. Peter thinks there isn’t enough love in the world either. It’s a precious gift. All of his friends have found it. He hasn’t.
Then he remembers all of the times he was never quite good enough because he was always in his friends’ shadows. He realizes the pain he’d have to endure to save them. He doubts it would even make a difference. The Dark Lord would find them sooner or later. He might as well survive.
“I’m sorry Pete, I shouldn’t be complaining to you like this, it’s not your fault Sirius didn’t tell me he was coming to visit you,” Remus remarks with a sigh as he sits up. Peter looks confused. “He did come visit you today, right?”
“I haven’t seen him since last week,” Peter confesses, avoiding Remus’ gaze. Remus mistakes this avoidance as Peter not wanting to hurt his friend rather than him lying. He can’t believe Sirius lied to him like that. Sirius really was hiding something from him. He had hoped it wasn’t true but now, well, now he knew for certain. Sirius lied. Sirius lied to him no less.
“You- you haven’t?” Remus asks softly, his voice cracking slightly. Peter cannot bear to look at him. He doesn’t want to see the pain he’s causing. He hates himself but he has no other choice right now. He needs Remus to leave; he’ll be fine again once Remus is gone.
“Sorry,” he confesses, sincerely. Remus misinterprets the apology.
“It’s not your fault, Peter,” Remus tells him gently. “I… I think I should go,” he adds as he stands up. “Good bye Peter.” He manages to keep his voice calm when he speaks but his hands are shaking. He feels as though he might be sick. He apparates home.
Sirius is awake and waiting for him. “WHERE THE HELL HAVE YOU BEEN?” Sirius yells. Remus wants to laugh but refrains.
“Out,” he replies, a bit harsher than he intended.
Sirius looks angry and hurt. It’s moments like this where Remus thinks that Sirius looks too young and far too much like his family. So that is it then, after eight years of talking about how much he hates his family, he’s turned out just like them. “Are you still trying to make me feel guilty about being late?” Sirius accuses. “I already bloody told you that I’m sorry! What more do you want Remus?”
“The entire world does not revolve around you, you know,” Remus states coldly. He is in no mood to deal with Sirius acting like such a child. Actually, he’s in no mood to deal with Sirius at all. Without another word he storms off into their bedroom and throws himself down onto the bed, still fully clothed. He hears the door slam and wonders if Sirius is going to go to his family now.
Sirius first wants to go see James. James is always there for him when something is wrong. Lily understands Remus; he can ask her what he’s done wrong. But they have baby Harry to worry about and it’s the middle of the night. He can’t just go barging into their house like he used to and Sirius gets even more angry. Then he remembers that Remus would sometimes disappear to talk to Peter and decides that maybe Wormtail can help him fix things.
Peter’s heart sinks when he sees a very moody Sirius in the doorway. “What’s wrong Pads?” he asks, sitting up in his bed and faking a yawn as if he’d been sleeping rather than laying there worrying over what he’d done to his best friends.
Sirius kicks the chair, knocking it over. There is a loud crash followed by a string of expletives. Peter tenses. He hates this side of Sirius. It reminds him too much of that horrid cousin of his who is always so eager to please their Master.
“Sorry,” Sirius growls before picking up the chair and collapsing into it. He doesn’t say anything, just sits there with his arms folded across his chest like a pouting child.
“Sirius?” Peter prompts cautiously. It is much easier for him to lie to Sirius because he doesn’t get upset the way Remus does. He doesn’t make Peter feel guilty, just a little scared for his safety. That fear reminds him of the Dark Lord and he knows that dealing with an angry Sirius is better than an angry Dark Lord.
“Remus.” Sirius does not seem interested in saying anything further on the matter.
Peter nods slowly. “He’s been acting strangely lately.” He hopes that this will be helpful and not cause Sirius to hit him.
Sirius looks up sharply. “You- you noticed too?” He is not sure if this is a relief or not. On one hand, at least he knows that the change is not just with him. He couldn’t bear to think that Remus was so angry with him or maybe not in love with him anymore.
“Ever since we weren’t going to be there when he transformed…” Peter mutters. He hates having to blame this on his friends. It’s too easy though. Who wouldn’t believe that a Black or a werewolf would lie and be the traitor compared to him, the boy who means well, even if he isn’t the best wizard. If only they all knew. But they don’t and for that he’s extremely grateful. “And the Death Eaters attacked me.”
“REMUS WOULD NEVER!” Sirius shouts jumping to his feet.
Peter shrinks into the bed. He has to keep going though. “Never what Padfoot?”
“Betray us,” Sirius growls.
Peter bites his lip and stares at his hands for a moment. “That wasn’t what I said,” he points out. “But… well… I suppose we were… both thinking… that.” It’s easy for him to lie because he always seemed so nervous and reluctant even when telling the truth.
“Remus would never,” Sirius repeats stubbornly.
“Did you tell him where we were going?” Peter questions, mostly hoping that Sirius says yes, though there is that small part of him that feels guilty and is praying the answer is no.
Sirius glares at him for a moment. “Remus and I tell each other everything.”
“No one else knew where we’d be,” Peter points out with a fake reluctance.
It takes all the self-restraint Sirius has not to punch Peter in the face for saying that. His Remus couldn’t do something like that. His Remus would never want to hurt him. But then he remembers that he was there with Peter for awhile but they waited until he’d left to attack Peter… No. Remus would not hurt Peter. He couldn’t…
Peter can tell that Sirius is fighting the doubt with all his strength. He looks away. He almost wants Sirius to punch him. He hates himself for doing this to them. Even though they reacted so differently, he can still see exactly how much they love each other and it’s breaking his own heart to watch them fall apart. Then he thinks about James and Lily and wonders how they will react to all of this. James will not want to believe that any of his friends could be the spy but will end up siding with Sirius. They are like brothers. Lily has always been closer to Remus. He can’t imagine her believing even for a second that Remus could have done this, werewolf of not. He wonders if it will ruin their love too. He thinks it will but wishes it wouldn’t. He has already caused enough heartbreak.
“No,” Sirius states firmly. He shakes his head stubbornly but Peter can see the shadows of doubt in his eyes. “No,” he repeats before leaving without saying good bye. He ends up in the Leaky Cauldron and gets very, very drunk.
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
When Remus wakes there is an owl knocking at the window. He jumps up when he recognizes it as Dumbledore’s owl. He opens the window and takes the letter. The owl flies off without waiting for a response. Remus J. Lupin and Sirius O. Black was written across the parchment. Remus thinks he should probably wait for Sirius to get home.
As if on cue, the front door opens and Sirius stumbles in, still drunk and angry. He makes his way to the bedroom, reeking of firewhiskey. He leans against the doorframe when he sees Remus standing there with the letter. For a moment, he hates himself even more for ever suspecting that his lover would betray them. Just seeing Remus there through his drunken haze tells him he’s wrong. “Wha’s’at?” he questions pointing to the letter.
“A letter from Dumbledore,” Remus tells him stiffly. Remus hates when Sirius gets drunk like this. Before he can bother to say anything more, Sirius has made his way to the bed and collapses into the wrinkled sheets before tugging at Remus’ sleeve so hard that he stumbles back. Remus sighs and sits down on the bed next to Sirius, who puts his head on his lap.
“Read it?” he asks, looking up at Moony through a mess of black hair.
Remus unfolds the parchment carefully. “I must inform the pair of you that last night, the body of…” Remus stops. Sirius sits up, trying to clear his mind to focus. “Regulus Arcturus Black was found. We believe he was killed for trying to leave the Death Eaters. I send my sincerest regrets and sympathy to you, Sirius. Albus Dumbledore.” Remus looks over at Sirius, worried about what his reaction will be.
“Finally screwed up then, did he?” Sirius mutters, not really talking to Remus as much as to himself. His voice is devoid of emotion. He doesn’t know how to feel really. He’s not sure if he should hate his brother for joining the Death Eaters and be glad he’s dead, or love his brother for trying to leave and mourn his death. He always hated Regulus because he never stood up for himself and allowed their parents to mold him into the perfect child. Apparently he wasn’t so perfect after all.
Sirius’ reaction scares Remus. He doesn’t know what it means. He expected some sort of emotion. He wasn’t sure what emotion but any emotion was better than this coldness. Sirius seems too much like his brother when he gets this way. Then Remus thinks that it could have been Sirius who died and he’s even more scared. He gently slides down so that he’s lying next to him.
The other man slides closer and buries his head in Remus’ chest. Remus gently places his hand on the back of Sirius’ head and runs his fingers through his hair. He can worry about everything later, right now he just needs to be there for Sirius, who is alive and for the moment safe. Then he notices that his shirt feels wet and realizes that Sirius is silently crying.
Then there are two loud pops and immediately they are both up and holding their wands. It’s James and Lily with baby Harry. “Sirius…” James trails off; he’s holding a letter, from Dumbledore telling them about Regulus’ death.
“Have you two ever heard of knocking?” Sirius growls, he quickly wipes his tears away. He locks his emotions away. He didn’t even want to cry in front of Remus. Yes, James was like family and therefore so was Lily, but he did not cry in front of them.
Harry clings more tightly to Lily. Remus carefully takes Sirius’ hand in his own and squeezes it gently. He catches Sirius’ gaze and offers him a sympathetic smile. Sirius holds on tighter before pulling his hand away. Remus understands. “Lily, could you come help me make tea?” Remus asks as he stands up. Lily nods before handing Harry to James and follows him out into the kitchen.
“How is he?” she asks softly as Remus filled the kettle with water. She watches him a moment before adding, “How are you?”
Remus sighs. “I’m not really sure, he’s been acting rather odd… even for Sirius,” he mutters. He glances down at his hands as he waits for the water to boil. “I think he’s hiding something from me,” he adds, almost inaudibly. Lily crosses the room swiftly and places her hand on his shoulder.
“What happened?” she asks quietly. Remus was really very glad to have Lily and Peter to listen to him. They were always there for him. Of course, so were James and Sirius, but in different ways. Lily and Peter were the ones who were best at really listening to him.
“He… lied to me… about going to see Peter last night,” Remus whispers. “I didn’t want to believe it but Peter looked so confused when I mentioned the visit and then he seemed nearly as upset as I was when he said that Sirius hadn’t visited him since the attack… He thinks that Sirius has been acting oddly too.” Remus is shaking. Lily, who has become even better at this sort of thing since she had the baby, gently pulls Remus into a hug.
“There must be an explanation,” she tells him firmly. “Sirius loves you and James is his best friend. He would never betray us.” She has to sound confident for Remus. Deep down, she isn’t so sure. The kettle hisses as the water begins to boil. “We can talk about this later though, now isn’t the time,” she adds as she pulls away and prepares the tea.
“We… we argued last night,” Remus mutters, more to himself than to Lily. “He was gone all night.” He cannot bring himself to tell Lily that Sirius had not seemed surprised at all by Regulus’ death. He did not have the heart to voice the thought that Sirius really could be the traitor. His love would never do that to them. James had been like family to him for years now. It did not matter that he was from the Ancient and Noble House of Black. This was Sirius, not Regulus or Bellatrix. Remus silences the little voice in the back of his mind that had been wondering if he was really all that different after all. He helps Lily carry the tea back into their bedroom.
James is sitting on the edge of the bed, watching Sirius play with Harry. Under normal circumstances, Lily would admonish Sirius for still reeking of alcohol, but she knows now is not the time, even if he is in close proximity to Harry. She hands one of the mugs to James before sitting down next to him. Remus sets both his and Sirius’ tea down on the nightstand before sitting down as well.
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
A few hours later, there is a knock at the door. James answers it. “Dumbledore,” he greets the old man with a weak smile. Their relationship has been somewhat strained since Albus suggested that Sirius was the traitor.
Dumbledore smiles sadly at James. “I thought I might find you here. I suppose Lily and Harry are here too?” he questions. James nods. Dumbledore’s expression remains fairly unreadable. “Very well then.”
“Come in, sir,” James adds, stepping out of the doorway. He closes the door behind Albus before leading him to the bedroom. Harry has fallen asleep on Sirius’ chest. Sirius is lying very still so as not to disturb him. Lily gently picks up the baby when they enter the room. Luckily Harry remains asleep.
Sirius sits up and waits for Dumbledore to speak. “Sirius, may I speak to you alone for a moment?” he asks after a moment of awkward silence. Remus gets up to leave, but Sirius places his hand on Remus’ shoulder. He stands up and leads Dumbledore back into the living room.
“Yes, sir?” Sirius asks, trying to seem perfectly calm. It was bad enough to have had that outburst in front of Remus, James, Lily, and Harry. He is not going to let matters get worse with Dumbledore. He knows, James told him, that Dumbledore was worried that there was a spy in the Order, specifically among their friends.
Albus sits down on one of the chairs. Sirius sits down on the couch across from him. “I am sorry to have to do this today but this is a matter of importance to the Order, were you aware that your brother wanted to leave the Death Eaters?”
Sirius stares at the floor for a moment. He nods slowly. “Yes, he’d written to me about it a few days ago,” Sirius replies honestly. “I told him to go into hiding.”
“And did you tell anyone else?”
“No,” he states firmly, thinking that Dumbledore suspects Remus and forgetting that he’d told Peter yesterday. “I thought it would be best not to tell anyone until he’d managed to go into hiding.” He had wanted very much to tell Remus but his plan had been to wait until Regulus was safe. He still cannot bring himself to suspect Remus but he thought it would be best if he waited. He has forgotten that he’d made some off-hand comment to Peter about his brother being free from the Death Eaters before Peter got out of St. Mungo’s. It was a joke of course. It would be awhile until he realized the dire consequences of that simple slip of the tongue.
“You and Remus were home last night, correct?” Dumbledore asks.
Sirius heart sinks. He realizes that he was out drinking and Remus was here alone. That’s hardly an alibi. “No, sir,” Sirius replies after a moment. “We were both gone for awhile. I- I’m not sure where Remus went. We argued when he got back then I went to see Peter and then I went to the bar… I only got home when your letter arrived.”
Dumbledore’s expression remains unreadable as he nods. Sirius becomes very angry with himself for leaving last night. His emotions get in the way of everything. He is stubborn and he is going to protect his lover. He cannot bring himself to consider that it could be Remus. Last night was a minor slip. It won’t happen again. He is too blinded by his guilt and desire to protect Remus to realize that he is making himself seem like the spy.
Chapter: Chapter Two
Authors: xsilverxlightx
Rating: PG-13
Pairing: Remus/Sirius, James/Lily
Characters: Remus, Sirius, James, Lily, Peter, and Albus
Word Count: 5,132
Summary: Remus and Sirius have an argument. Peter lies. No one knows who to trust anymore.
Author's Note: I was really planning on only writing two chapters but I keep developing the idea behind this so I'll keep writing, I guess. I promise, Of Night and Light has not been completely abandoned. I will work on the next chapter of that very soon.
Previous Chapters: Chapter One
And all I can taste is this moment
And all I can breathe is your life
Cause sooner or later it's over
I just don't want to miss you tonight
Remus is scared. No, actually, he’s terrified. He’s been worried sick for the past three hours. Sirius should have been home by now. He has no idea where he could be or why he would be so late. Of course his mind had already come up with several possibilities, none of which he wants to think about. There are the obvious ones, that the Death Eaters have caught him or killed him. Then there are the others, which are probably worse, where he thinks that Sirius might be hiding something from him and he hates himself for those thoughts. Sirius loves him. He would never betray them.
The lock on the door clicks as it is opened. Remus jumps up and nearly knocks the full tea cup over. He has been too nervous to drink anything. Sirius is standing in the doorway, alive and well. Remus is overjoyed and at the same time very worried. “Where the bloody hell have you been?” he asks softly as he crosses the room and embraces his lover. Sirius hugs him tightly and kisses his cheek.
“I had to stay late for work and then I stopped by to visit Peter and lost track of the time,” Sirius admits. “I’m sorry, Moony, I didn’t mean to worry you.”
“What makes you think I was worried?” Remus questions. Now that he knows Sirius is safe and had a logical excuse, he is quite relieved.
Sirius grins and kisses him before responding. “You were making your worried Moony face,” Sirius does his best to imitate the look of concern that Remus had etched across his face until moments ago. “And you practically threw yourself at me and although I know I am quite handsome, throwing one’s self at people is my job, not yours.”
Remus pulled away, a look of mild annoyance and amusement struggling across his features. He cuffs Sirius lightly on the ear. “It wouldn’t kill you to let me know if you’re running late, would it?” he folds his arms across his chest before walking out of the hall and back to the kitchen.
Sirius is grinning as he follows Remus back into the kitchen. “We sound like an old married couple,” Sirius explains when Remus sends him a questioning glance. It makes Remus laugh. Sirius loves when he makes Moony laugh. It doesn’t happen enough anymore, he thinks sadly. Remus starts making tea. Sirius sneaks up behind him. Moony tries to solve everything with tea or chocolate; Sirius always finds it amusing.
Sirius solves things with physical proximity; Remus finds it ridiculous, but more often than not, quite effective. Right now, Remus decides, it’s quite effective. Sirius has snuck up behind him and wrapped his arms around Remus’ waist. Now he’s kissing his neck. “You had me so worried,” Remus admits. He turns around to face Sirius. Sirius rests his head on Remus’ shoulder. “Promise me you’ll let me know if it happens again.”
Sirius nods and pulls away slightly. “Sorry Moony,” he mutters before kissing him. Sirius very much enjoys kissing Remus. He got caught up in it very easily. He jumps when the teapot whistles loudly. Remus chuckles softly as he turns away from Sirius to turn off the water. “You and your bloody tea,” Sirius complains, though he’s smiling.
“Yes, well, it always sends me an owl when it’s running late,” Remus replies, “unlike some people.” He is joking of course. He is still a bit on edge from worry but mostly he is just relieved that Sirius is home and is safe. He hates having to worry about that. They’re only twenty years old. They should not have to be so terrified every time the other leaves the safety of their flat or is running a bit late. This is not fair. They didn’t ask for this war. Remus didn’t regret it though. They were former Gryffindors. Bravery was important to all of them. They could not stand by and watch. They had to do something.
Sirius tenses. “I said I was sorry, Moony,” he mutters softly through gritted teeth. Remus notes that Sirius is not usually this moody. Sirius has already left the kitchen when Remus goes to apologize. They always joke with each other. What has gotten into Sirius? Why is he so edgy? Remus wants to forget these questions but he can’t. Something is wrong and he really doesn’t like it. What is Sirius hiding from him?
Remus forgets his tea again and goes in search of the other man. Sirius is sitting on the edge of their bed. Remus hesitates in the doorway. After knowing Sirius Black for almost a decade, he can tell when Sirius ought to be left alone. He knows this is one of those times. He enters the room anyway and sits down on the bed. Sirius’ head jerks up when he feels the mattress shift. Remus knows to wait for Sirius to speak first. He lies down on their bed and closes his eyes, expecting Sirius to yell. He is surprised when he feels the mattress shift as Sirius curls up next to him.
Sirius hates silence. He does not know what to say though. Eloquence was Moony’s expertise. Sirius got too emotional and would trip over his words. He wants to be able to tell Remus that he understands why Remus was upset and that he had no reason to get angry like he just did. He wants to tell Remus that he is just upset because he knows that Dumbledore still hasn’t forgiven him for leaving Peter and that he didn’t mind when Remus teases him but forgiveness is a sore spot right now. He can’t make himself say it though. He reaches up and gently places his hand on the side of his love’s face. His actions are deliberate. He can communicate better this way. He hopes it’s enough.
Remus forgets their fight when Sirius kisses him. He often wonders how on earth Sirius could have such a hold on him that he can’t even think about anything at all when he kisses him. Of course, this only occurs to him after the fact. When Sirius kisses him, things never seem so bad. It doesn’t matter that there is a war. It doesn’t matter if they were fighting. It doesn’t matter that they could die any day now. He stops worrying about their future and the fact that someone is betraying their friends. He isn’t a werewolf. Sirius isn’t an outcast from his family. They are just two people who are absolutely, madly in love and that is all that could possibly matter.
Sirius loves the way sometimes he can make Remus just as incoherent as he usually is. There are a lot of things Sirius loves, most of which involve Remus. Like the way Remus laughs and his smile… he thinks it was Remus’ smile that made him fall in love with him. He loved Remus for many reasons of course but that smile was what made him really fall in love with his best friend. He also loves the way that Remus can read him like a book and Remus is very good at reading books. It scares him though because he knows that he cannot read Remus in the same way. Remus always continues to amaze him, even when he thinks he’s figured him out. He thinks this a good thing, most of the time. But then there are the moments where he is truly scared because he knows Remus isn’t being completely open with him and he cannot for the life of him figure out what his lover is hiding.
The tea remains forgotten on the kitchen counter, along with Remus’ plans for making dinner. Sirius falls asleep with his arms around Remus as usual. Remus cannot sleep though. He’s beginning to remember everything that happened today and keeps replaying that moment of doubt. He sighs heavily and gently pulls himself free of Sirius’ grip. Sirius was always a heavy sleeper. He lays there for a few minutes, watching Sirius sleep. He cannot take it anymore. He quietly gets up and redresses. He leaves a note on his pillow saying he went out, don’t worry, he’ll be home soon.
Peter is still at St. Mungo’s so the mediwitches can do a few more tests to make sure there is no lasting damage or unknown side effects. The Death Eaters’ attacks have been getting more vicious and the spells more complicated and dangerous. Remus knocks softly on the doorframe. Peter looks up, a bit startled. “Remus!” He looks excited to have company, even if it is late at night.
Remus smiles as he enters the room and sits down on the chair next to Peter’s bed. “How are you, Wormtail?” he questions, feeling guilty for not having visited again sooner and now only because he’s frustrated with Sirius.
Peter smiles. “They said I’m lucky, no terrible side effects so far,” he explains. He sighs. “It’s rather boring though, just sitting here. I’m of no use to the Order when I’m sitting around here.” Peter, Remus thinks, has always been very concerned with being useful. He supposes that is what happens when you never seem to live up to the same standards as your friends. Peter never got top marks the way James, Sirius, and Remus had. Peter was always just their sidekick. He was always willing to help them in any way he could. He didn’t seek personal glory, he was happy to just share in the glow of his friends’ accomplishments.
“Something bothering you?” Peter asks. He was good at reading people. Peter could always tell when something was wrong. Remus really wasn’t sure how the boy, well, young man now, had always managed this. He was never the most perceptive otherwise but he knew when something was wrong and would do anything he could to help fix it. Remus always liked that about Peter. It was nice to have someone he could go to when things weren’t okay, other than Lily. Lily was an amazing woman but sometimes, Remus felt that Peter was better because Peter always listened and never let his own emotions cloud his judgment.
“Sirius was late coming home from work today,” Remus begins to explain. He breaks off and shakes his head, unable to meet Peter’s gaze. “I- I was so bloody worried about him. I thought something terrible must have happened… I was going out of my mind with worry. I mean, Merlin, we’re in the middle of this war and every time any of us leave… there is a chance we won’t come back.”
Remus takes a deep breath. “I couldn’t remember what the last thing I had said to him was this morning,” he confesses. “I was worried that the last thing either of us would have said to each other was something as utterly trivial as pass the toast.” He laughs bitterly. “He was two hours late. Anything could have happened to him in that time.” He breaks off again and buries his head in his hands.
Peter is very glad that Remus is not looking at him. He squirms uncomfortably. He knows what he has to do and what he has to say. He knows it’s necessary. Peter has always been there for Remus though. Remus trusts him. Peter needs him to keep trusting him. He always liked when Remus would come talk to him like this. Remus was right, Peter liked to be useful. He can see how much Remus truly loves Sirius right now and he doesn’t know if he can really bring himself to destroy something so beautiful, between two of his best friends no less. Its moments like this where Peter has the potential to truly be a brave Gryffindor; moments like this when he thinks he could die for them, James and Lily and baby Harry, Remus and Sirius. There are not enough people like them in the world. That’s why things got so bad. There are plenty of people like him though, those who could be brave if they really tried but in the end are too scared to actually stand up and doing anything good. He could not be like those people though. He could stand up and protect his friends. Protect their love. Peter thinks there isn’t enough love in the world either. It’s a precious gift. All of his friends have found it. He hasn’t.
Then he remembers all of the times he was never quite good enough because he was always in his friends’ shadows. He realizes the pain he’d have to endure to save them. He doubts it would even make a difference. The Dark Lord would find them sooner or later. He might as well survive.
“I’m sorry Pete, I shouldn’t be complaining to you like this, it’s not your fault Sirius didn’t tell me he was coming to visit you,” Remus remarks with a sigh as he sits up. Peter looks confused. “He did come visit you today, right?”
“I haven’t seen him since last week,” Peter confesses, avoiding Remus’ gaze. Remus mistakes this avoidance as Peter not wanting to hurt his friend rather than him lying. He can’t believe Sirius lied to him like that. Sirius really was hiding something from him. He had hoped it wasn’t true but now, well, now he knew for certain. Sirius lied. Sirius lied to him no less.
“You- you haven’t?” Remus asks softly, his voice cracking slightly. Peter cannot bear to look at him. He doesn’t want to see the pain he’s causing. He hates himself but he has no other choice right now. He needs Remus to leave; he’ll be fine again once Remus is gone.
“Sorry,” he confesses, sincerely. Remus misinterprets the apology.
“It’s not your fault, Peter,” Remus tells him gently. “I… I think I should go,” he adds as he stands up. “Good bye Peter.” He manages to keep his voice calm when he speaks but his hands are shaking. He feels as though he might be sick. He apparates home.
Sirius is awake and waiting for him. “WHERE THE HELL HAVE YOU BEEN?” Sirius yells. Remus wants to laugh but refrains.
“Out,” he replies, a bit harsher than he intended.
Sirius looks angry and hurt. It’s moments like this where Remus thinks that Sirius looks too young and far too much like his family. So that is it then, after eight years of talking about how much he hates his family, he’s turned out just like them. “Are you still trying to make me feel guilty about being late?” Sirius accuses. “I already bloody told you that I’m sorry! What more do you want Remus?”
“The entire world does not revolve around you, you know,” Remus states coldly. He is in no mood to deal with Sirius acting like such a child. Actually, he’s in no mood to deal with Sirius at all. Without another word he storms off into their bedroom and throws himself down onto the bed, still fully clothed. He hears the door slam and wonders if Sirius is going to go to his family now.
Sirius first wants to go see James. James is always there for him when something is wrong. Lily understands Remus; he can ask her what he’s done wrong. But they have baby Harry to worry about and it’s the middle of the night. He can’t just go barging into their house like he used to and Sirius gets even more angry. Then he remembers that Remus would sometimes disappear to talk to Peter and decides that maybe Wormtail can help him fix things.
Peter’s heart sinks when he sees a very moody Sirius in the doorway. “What’s wrong Pads?” he asks, sitting up in his bed and faking a yawn as if he’d been sleeping rather than laying there worrying over what he’d done to his best friends.
Sirius kicks the chair, knocking it over. There is a loud crash followed by a string of expletives. Peter tenses. He hates this side of Sirius. It reminds him too much of that horrid cousin of his who is always so eager to please their Master.
“Sorry,” Sirius growls before picking up the chair and collapsing into it. He doesn’t say anything, just sits there with his arms folded across his chest like a pouting child.
“Sirius?” Peter prompts cautiously. It is much easier for him to lie to Sirius because he doesn’t get upset the way Remus does. He doesn’t make Peter feel guilty, just a little scared for his safety. That fear reminds him of the Dark Lord and he knows that dealing with an angry Sirius is better than an angry Dark Lord.
“Remus.” Sirius does not seem interested in saying anything further on the matter.
Peter nods slowly. “He’s been acting strangely lately.” He hopes that this will be helpful and not cause Sirius to hit him.
Sirius looks up sharply. “You- you noticed too?” He is not sure if this is a relief or not. On one hand, at least he knows that the change is not just with him. He couldn’t bear to think that Remus was so angry with him or maybe not in love with him anymore.
“Ever since we weren’t going to be there when he transformed…” Peter mutters. He hates having to blame this on his friends. It’s too easy though. Who wouldn’t believe that a Black or a werewolf would lie and be the traitor compared to him, the boy who means well, even if he isn’t the best wizard. If only they all knew. But they don’t and for that he’s extremely grateful. “And the Death Eaters attacked me.”
“REMUS WOULD NEVER!” Sirius shouts jumping to his feet.
Peter shrinks into the bed. He has to keep going though. “Never what Padfoot?”
“Betray us,” Sirius growls.
Peter bites his lip and stares at his hands for a moment. “That wasn’t what I said,” he points out. “But… well… I suppose we were… both thinking… that.” It’s easy for him to lie because he always seemed so nervous and reluctant even when telling the truth.
“Remus would never,” Sirius repeats stubbornly.
“Did you tell him where we were going?” Peter questions, mostly hoping that Sirius says yes, though there is that small part of him that feels guilty and is praying the answer is no.
Sirius glares at him for a moment. “Remus and I tell each other everything.”
“No one else knew where we’d be,” Peter points out with a fake reluctance.
It takes all the self-restraint Sirius has not to punch Peter in the face for saying that. His Remus couldn’t do something like that. His Remus would never want to hurt him. But then he remembers that he was there with Peter for awhile but they waited until he’d left to attack Peter… No. Remus would not hurt Peter. He couldn’t…
Peter can tell that Sirius is fighting the doubt with all his strength. He looks away. He almost wants Sirius to punch him. He hates himself for doing this to them. Even though they reacted so differently, he can still see exactly how much they love each other and it’s breaking his own heart to watch them fall apart. Then he thinks about James and Lily and wonders how they will react to all of this. James will not want to believe that any of his friends could be the spy but will end up siding with Sirius. They are like brothers. Lily has always been closer to Remus. He can’t imagine her believing even for a second that Remus could have done this, werewolf of not. He wonders if it will ruin their love too. He thinks it will but wishes it wouldn’t. He has already caused enough heartbreak.
“No,” Sirius states firmly. He shakes his head stubbornly but Peter can see the shadows of doubt in his eyes. “No,” he repeats before leaving without saying good bye. He ends up in the Leaky Cauldron and gets very, very drunk.
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
When Remus wakes there is an owl knocking at the window. He jumps up when he recognizes it as Dumbledore’s owl. He opens the window and takes the letter. The owl flies off without waiting for a response. Remus J. Lupin and Sirius O. Black was written across the parchment. Remus thinks he should probably wait for Sirius to get home.
As if on cue, the front door opens and Sirius stumbles in, still drunk and angry. He makes his way to the bedroom, reeking of firewhiskey. He leans against the doorframe when he sees Remus standing there with the letter. For a moment, he hates himself even more for ever suspecting that his lover would betray them. Just seeing Remus there through his drunken haze tells him he’s wrong. “Wha’s’at?” he questions pointing to the letter.
“A letter from Dumbledore,” Remus tells him stiffly. Remus hates when Sirius gets drunk like this. Before he can bother to say anything more, Sirius has made his way to the bed and collapses into the wrinkled sheets before tugging at Remus’ sleeve so hard that he stumbles back. Remus sighs and sits down on the bed next to Sirius, who puts his head on his lap.
“Read it?” he asks, looking up at Moony through a mess of black hair.
Remus unfolds the parchment carefully. “I must inform the pair of you that last night, the body of…” Remus stops. Sirius sits up, trying to clear his mind to focus. “Regulus Arcturus Black was found. We believe he was killed for trying to leave the Death Eaters. I send my sincerest regrets and sympathy to you, Sirius. Albus Dumbledore.” Remus looks over at Sirius, worried about what his reaction will be.
“Finally screwed up then, did he?” Sirius mutters, not really talking to Remus as much as to himself. His voice is devoid of emotion. He doesn’t know how to feel really. He’s not sure if he should hate his brother for joining the Death Eaters and be glad he’s dead, or love his brother for trying to leave and mourn his death. He always hated Regulus because he never stood up for himself and allowed their parents to mold him into the perfect child. Apparently he wasn’t so perfect after all.
Sirius’ reaction scares Remus. He doesn’t know what it means. He expected some sort of emotion. He wasn’t sure what emotion but any emotion was better than this coldness. Sirius seems too much like his brother when he gets this way. Then Remus thinks that it could have been Sirius who died and he’s even more scared. He gently slides down so that he’s lying next to him.
The other man slides closer and buries his head in Remus’ chest. Remus gently places his hand on the back of Sirius’ head and runs his fingers through his hair. He can worry about everything later, right now he just needs to be there for Sirius, who is alive and for the moment safe. Then he notices that his shirt feels wet and realizes that Sirius is silently crying.
Then there are two loud pops and immediately they are both up and holding their wands. It’s James and Lily with baby Harry. “Sirius…” James trails off; he’s holding a letter, from Dumbledore telling them about Regulus’ death.
“Have you two ever heard of knocking?” Sirius growls, he quickly wipes his tears away. He locks his emotions away. He didn’t even want to cry in front of Remus. Yes, James was like family and therefore so was Lily, but he did not cry in front of them.
Harry clings more tightly to Lily. Remus carefully takes Sirius’ hand in his own and squeezes it gently. He catches Sirius’ gaze and offers him a sympathetic smile. Sirius holds on tighter before pulling his hand away. Remus understands. “Lily, could you come help me make tea?” Remus asks as he stands up. Lily nods before handing Harry to James and follows him out into the kitchen.
“How is he?” she asks softly as Remus filled the kettle with water. She watches him a moment before adding, “How are you?”
Remus sighs. “I’m not really sure, he’s been acting rather odd… even for Sirius,” he mutters. He glances down at his hands as he waits for the water to boil. “I think he’s hiding something from me,” he adds, almost inaudibly. Lily crosses the room swiftly and places her hand on his shoulder.
“What happened?” she asks quietly. Remus was really very glad to have Lily and Peter to listen to him. They were always there for him. Of course, so were James and Sirius, but in different ways. Lily and Peter were the ones who were best at really listening to him.
“He… lied to me… about going to see Peter last night,” Remus whispers. “I didn’t want to believe it but Peter looked so confused when I mentioned the visit and then he seemed nearly as upset as I was when he said that Sirius hadn’t visited him since the attack… He thinks that Sirius has been acting oddly too.” Remus is shaking. Lily, who has become even better at this sort of thing since she had the baby, gently pulls Remus into a hug.
“There must be an explanation,” she tells him firmly. “Sirius loves you and James is his best friend. He would never betray us.” She has to sound confident for Remus. Deep down, she isn’t so sure. The kettle hisses as the water begins to boil. “We can talk about this later though, now isn’t the time,” she adds as she pulls away and prepares the tea.
“We… we argued last night,” Remus mutters, more to himself than to Lily. “He was gone all night.” He cannot bring himself to tell Lily that Sirius had not seemed surprised at all by Regulus’ death. He did not have the heart to voice the thought that Sirius really could be the traitor. His love would never do that to them. James had been like family to him for years now. It did not matter that he was from the Ancient and Noble House of Black. This was Sirius, not Regulus or Bellatrix. Remus silences the little voice in the back of his mind that had been wondering if he was really all that different after all. He helps Lily carry the tea back into their bedroom.
James is sitting on the edge of the bed, watching Sirius play with Harry. Under normal circumstances, Lily would admonish Sirius for still reeking of alcohol, but she knows now is not the time, even if he is in close proximity to Harry. She hands one of the mugs to James before sitting down next to him. Remus sets both his and Sirius’ tea down on the nightstand before sitting down as well.
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
A few hours later, there is a knock at the door. James answers it. “Dumbledore,” he greets the old man with a weak smile. Their relationship has been somewhat strained since Albus suggested that Sirius was the traitor.
Dumbledore smiles sadly at James. “I thought I might find you here. I suppose Lily and Harry are here too?” he questions. James nods. Dumbledore’s expression remains fairly unreadable. “Very well then.”
“Come in, sir,” James adds, stepping out of the doorway. He closes the door behind Albus before leading him to the bedroom. Harry has fallen asleep on Sirius’ chest. Sirius is lying very still so as not to disturb him. Lily gently picks up the baby when they enter the room. Luckily Harry remains asleep.
Sirius sits up and waits for Dumbledore to speak. “Sirius, may I speak to you alone for a moment?” he asks after a moment of awkward silence. Remus gets up to leave, but Sirius places his hand on Remus’ shoulder. He stands up and leads Dumbledore back into the living room.
“Yes, sir?” Sirius asks, trying to seem perfectly calm. It was bad enough to have had that outburst in front of Remus, James, Lily, and Harry. He is not going to let matters get worse with Dumbledore. He knows, James told him, that Dumbledore was worried that there was a spy in the Order, specifically among their friends.
Albus sits down on one of the chairs. Sirius sits down on the couch across from him. “I am sorry to have to do this today but this is a matter of importance to the Order, were you aware that your brother wanted to leave the Death Eaters?”
Sirius stares at the floor for a moment. He nods slowly. “Yes, he’d written to me about it a few days ago,” Sirius replies honestly. “I told him to go into hiding.”
“And did you tell anyone else?”
“No,” he states firmly, thinking that Dumbledore suspects Remus and forgetting that he’d told Peter yesterday. “I thought it would be best not to tell anyone until he’d managed to go into hiding.” He had wanted very much to tell Remus but his plan had been to wait until Regulus was safe. He still cannot bring himself to suspect Remus but he thought it would be best if he waited. He has forgotten that he’d made some off-hand comment to Peter about his brother being free from the Death Eaters before Peter got out of St. Mungo’s. It was a joke of course. It would be awhile until he realized the dire consequences of that simple slip of the tongue.
“You and Remus were home last night, correct?” Dumbledore asks.
Sirius heart sinks. He realizes that he was out drinking and Remus was here alone. That’s hardly an alibi. “No, sir,” Sirius replies after a moment. “We were both gone for awhile. I- I’m not sure where Remus went. We argued when he got back then I went to see Peter and then I went to the bar… I only got home when your letter arrived.”
Dumbledore’s expression remains unreadable as he nods. Sirius becomes very angry with himself for leaving last night. His emotions get in the way of everything. He is stubborn and he is going to protect his lover. He cannot bring himself to consider that it could be Remus. Last night was a minor slip. It won’t happen again. He is too blinded by his guilt and desire to protect Remus to realize that he is making himself seem like the spy.