Emotional
Last night I decided go home to pick up a few things for today. Jen walked with me and we brought Chloe. I cleaned the living room a little bit before trying to casually mention that I was going to move out next month. I have been living there for nearly 2 years now, though it feels like half of my life. I said that I would be moving out with Jen and Casey and that I was scared to be on my own, away from my comfort places. Something new is always terrifying to the point of tears for me, but I am also excited.
At first he said he was happy and that it always feels weird as it is when I'm not there. And then, out of nowhere, he started crying.
Crying. My dad. The man who all my life never really showed me any emotion, any sense of life aside from anger or false happiness. He started crying and I hurried over to hug him. He said a billion sweet things, I glanced at Jen whose eyes were teary as well. I felt horrible. I just felt like I was crushing him, like we had finally accepted each other and now I'm ending it. But it's not like that. He reassured me this. At least a dozen times. It still didn't stop the burning in my chest or the clenching of my stomach. I couldn't hardly breath. I was entirely overwhelmed but bit my lip and nervously laughed, trying to stay positive because I knew if I were to let my guard down the tears wouldn't stop.
I was right.
I hugged him a couple more times until it started to get too late and Chloe needed to get home for bed. I really didn't want to leave after that but I couldn't stay there, alone. He would be going to bed shortly after that and I would have sat up all night sobbing.
As soon as the door clicked shut, I lost it. I cried the whole way home. I tried to keep it under control but the more I did that, the more I gasped for air and couldn't breath. Once we got back to Jens, I went upstairs to talk to Casey for Jen as she waited downstairs. I stumbled in and said, "Um........umm.....Casey...?" He wasnt looking at me. It took all I had in me to hold back the loud sobs that were trying to escape. He sounded annoyed. "What?!" I fell onto the couch. "Jen....." Loud sobbing. He spun around and looked frantic. It's funny now looking back at it. I couldn't even barely get the words out. I told him Jen would explain and that she was downstairs waiting for him. He hurried out and as soon I heard the door slam shut and his hurried footsteps along the stairs, I really let it out.
I must have cried for about an hour. I don't even know why. I could not make myself stop, no matter how hard I tried. It was horrible. I felt sick, dizzy, and I couldn't breath. By the time they got back I had managed to gain control of myself.
I still have this aching feeling that I'm doing something wrong even though I know I'm not. I'm not. I'm 22, I'm finding my place in life, right? This is a good thing. I don't need to hide beneath the security of my parents forever. It doesn't work like that.
But I'm still absolutely terrified.
At first he said he was happy and that it always feels weird as it is when I'm not there. And then, out of nowhere, he started crying.
Crying. My dad. The man who all my life never really showed me any emotion, any sense of life aside from anger or false happiness. He started crying and I hurried over to hug him. He said a billion sweet things, I glanced at Jen whose eyes were teary as well. I felt horrible. I just felt like I was crushing him, like we had finally accepted each other and now I'm ending it. But it's not like that. He reassured me this. At least a dozen times. It still didn't stop the burning in my chest or the clenching of my stomach. I couldn't hardly breath. I was entirely overwhelmed but bit my lip and nervously laughed, trying to stay positive because I knew if I were to let my guard down the tears wouldn't stop.
I was right.
I hugged him a couple more times until it started to get too late and Chloe needed to get home for bed. I really didn't want to leave after that but I couldn't stay there, alone. He would be going to bed shortly after that and I would have sat up all night sobbing.
As soon as the door clicked shut, I lost it. I cried the whole way home. I tried to keep it under control but the more I did that, the more I gasped for air and couldn't breath. Once we got back to Jens, I went upstairs to talk to Casey for Jen as she waited downstairs. I stumbled in and said, "Um........umm.....Casey...?" He wasnt looking at me. It took all I had in me to hold back the loud sobs that were trying to escape. He sounded annoyed. "What?!" I fell onto the couch. "Jen....." Loud sobbing. He spun around and looked frantic. It's funny now looking back at it. I couldn't even barely get the words out. I told him Jen would explain and that she was downstairs waiting for him. He hurried out and as soon I heard the door slam shut and his hurried footsteps along the stairs, I really let it out.
I must have cried for about an hour. I don't even know why. I could not make myself stop, no matter how hard I tried. It was horrible. I felt sick, dizzy, and I couldn't breath. By the time they got back I had managed to gain control of myself.
I still have this aching feeling that I'm doing something wrong even though I know I'm not. I'm not. I'm 22, I'm finding my place in life, right? This is a good thing. I don't need to hide beneath the security of my parents forever. It doesn't work like that.
But I'm still absolutely terrified.