I Remember...
Title: I Remember...
Author: xsilentserenity
Pairing(s): Haehyuk, broken!Haehyuk, Sihyuk, impliedbroken!Sihyuk
Rating: PG-13
Genre: Angst, Drama, Suspense, Character Death(?), implied smut
Warnings: major angst, character death (but I'm not saying if he really dies!), implied smut
Disclaimer: Such a pity.
Summary: We promised each other than we would always love each other, but you forgot that promise. Now, all I have are the memories that I remember, but that alone isn't enough.
*-*-*-*-*
I remember a time when I was happy, and everything worked out as planned. When the love of my life was standing by my side, when you said you would never leave. I remember when we would share intimate hugs, intimate kisses, intimate love, promising to remain together forever. I remember when that happiness seemed everlasting, when nothing ever changed. I remember when you said you would be back, waving a “See you later!” not a “Goodbye.”
There was a time when I believed in that “See you later!” and I never stopped waiting. Of course, I saw you every day; you and I worked together, but nothing was ever the same. I remember how I was waiting for you to return, wearing a giddy smile on my face because I thought… I knew it would reflect yours. But it didn’t. I remember how you came into the dorms crying, sobbing, coughing and choking, and I immediately bundled you up in my arms and rocked you back and forth, wondering what was wrong but not daring to ask. You fell asleep in my embrace that night, and I fell asleep with you against my chest. I remember… that was the last time.
I remember the morning after that sorrowful evening, when you woke up confused. I remember how you looked around with a bewildered expression, taking in your surroundings. I remember calling your name, but you never responded until I shook you by your shoulders, screaming at you to pay attention. You hadn’t listened even then, had you? You had only stared me in the eyes, eyebrows scrunched in concentration as you looked at my face. I remember glancing at your sweet lips, wanting them. I remember taking them for a chaste peck, placing my lips on yours, in only for a quick taste of your strawberry. There hadn’t been anything wrong with that until you pushed me away, wiping your lips in disgust.
I remember staring at your with incredulity as you screamed at me, obscenely asking me why I would kiss you. I remember how the noises roused the attention of the other members, and they sleepily walked into the living room, wondering why there was ruckus so early in the morning. I remember you screaming at them, too. It wasn’t until you asked us who we were did we realize what had happened. But I remember thinking it was a joke. There was no way, right?
I thought about how you wouldn’t break your promise; you said you would never leave. I remember watching the other members load you into Jungsu-hyung’s car and begin piling in, until only Sungmin-hyung and I were left. I remember how he approached me carefully, tiptoeing around the situation at hand, and asking if I was alright. Was I alright? I don’t remember, but I don’t think so. No, I don’t think I was okay at all. You… you were gone. I remember Sungmin-hyung brushing the stray strands of hair out of my face carefully, his fingers barely hovering over my face… like I was porcelain doll, so easily broken and left shattered. You see how you left me?
I remember being broken. It was a slow process. My heart first shattered when you pushed me. My heart shattered again when they brought you back. I remember how dazed you looked, how worried everyone else was. Even Heechul-hyung didn’t have anything to say, and was that a stray tear running down Kyuhyun’s cheek? I don’t remember. My mind was blank. I can’t remember.
I remember how you approached me, ever so carefully, like you could see right through me again. I remember how I thought about how you could always tell if I was hurt or not with a single glance, and even without knowing me, you still knew more about me than me, myself. I remember taking a step back as you approached, tripping over the pillows scattered on the ground. I remember you reaching your hand out to grab me but missing, grabbing invisible thin air instead. I remember wondering if that was the sign that it was over… you couldn’t hold me anymore. And I was falling from you.
I remember you coming back to them… but never me. I remember how you woke up one morning before rushing out into the dorm with only your boxers on, trying every bedroom door until you found who you were looking for. I remember you pulling him out of bed, waking everyone else in the process, before pulling him into your embrace and nearly crying from happiness and relief. I remember how it was Sungmin-hyung who you remembered first, not me. I remember standing in the doorway watching everyone else celebrate the slight return of your memory. I remember being jealous, hurt, angry… I remember being heartbroken… crying.
I remember how you remembered Jungsu-hyung second. I remember how we were around the dinner table, eating a quick meal of ramen when you laughed and mentioned how you and Jungsu-hyung would always take a bowl of ramen to Kiss the Radio so you could eat on the way like it was second nature. I remember how Jungsu-hyung nearly tipped his chair over in his hurry to hug you, burying his face in your shoulder before sobbing like the emotional wreck we all knew he became sometimes. I remember sitting at the corner of the table, next to Jongwoon-hyung, staring at the hug with distaste. I remember Jongwoon-hyung turning to me and asking if I was okay. Was I okay? I don’t think so. No, I don’t remember being okay. I was never okay after you left me.
I remember how Siwon reappeared in your memory next… how he grinned cheekily and pulled you into his embrace, almost like he was mocking me, taunting me, shoving it in my face that he could have you… and I couldn’t. Why him? Why not me? I remember asking myself, berating myself, beating myself up over it. Why couldn’t you have remembered me before him? I remember asking Jungsu-hyung if he thought you would ever remember me. He ruffled my hair after giving me a worried look and told me that of course you would. I remember turning to Heechul-hyung because he was the only one I would ever get a straight answer out of. I remember him giving me a weak smile before patting me on the shoulder. I don’t know, Hae-ah. I hope so.
I remember when you finally recognized me. I remember how I had already had my heartbroken and shattered and the pieces stomped on five times. I remembered how I only came back to you after those three and Shindong-hyung and Ryeowook. When you hugged me for the first time since that kiss, I remember wondering whether we had even touched between that heartbreaking kiss and now. But I wrapped my arms around you, and buried my face in the crook of your neck, and inhaled your sweet strawberry scent, and pretended like I was tasting it on your lips instead. I remember how Heechul-hyung smiled and grinned and I grinned back until we heard you whisper into the air, into nothingness. I remember how my heart froze in that moment before plummeting and shattering and scattering in a million pieces to places that I could never reach to find them. Thank you for being my best friend, Hae.
I don’t remember what happened after that. I think my mind went blank. There is no memory, no remembrance, so vivid words painted, engraved, etched into my brain. I forgot it all… on purpose. I remember how with time, you slowly recovered your missing memories; you slowly returned to us, to Super Junior. I remember how the members rejoiced when you finally remembered Youngwoon-hyung across a video chat, finally completing all fourteen other members-I had thought Heechul-hyung would be last, but you had hugged him tightly, asking for you to never be awkward again. I remember being jealous over that sign of friendship and friendship only, but then again, that was all I was receiving, too. I remember crying myself to sleep in my shared room with Jungsu-hyung, trying to keep my cries silent.
Life continued as we all remembered it to be. You were a bit disoriented at first, wondering what an idol’s life was like, but when I first demonstrated the dances for you, I remember how your expression lit up and you recognized us as Super Junior. Time passed, and we resumed promotions like usual, rejoining our precious ELFs for the world to see. I remember how we would return to the dorms, tired and exhausted from a long day’s work, and all the members would either scramble for the bathroom or collapse directly onto their beds. You would always just lie down on the couch until someone woke you up for a shower, and I remember that’s exactly what you continued doing. It was all so familiar, but there was always something missing, and I remember knowing that was the goodnight kiss you would bestow upon me, the quiet, gentle making love session we would have if we were had energy, the unison of our hearts and bodies through our sweet passion. I remember missing you so much that it hurt more than losing you.
I watched as day by day, I lost you some more. We were still best friends, but I wanted more; I wanted you, and you were what I couldn’t have, at least, not like before. I remember how the fanservice was painful, hurtful, always reminding me how for you, it was just that and only that. I remember how I cried to Jungsu-hyung one night, letting it all out while he comforted me in his embrace, holding me when you weren’t there. I requested for the fanservice level to decrease, and Jungsu-hyung made it happen somehow; I don’t know how, but he’s Jungsu-hyung, so you know… I didn’t question it. I remember how you were confused at how distant I became, but neither of us dared question it. I remember how we tiptoed on glass shards, trying hard not to tread on dangerous ground when we were already there- it’s too late.
I don’t remember when I slipped under, but I know I did-and one day, I was just gone, missing, wasted…forgotten. It was a mixture of all things painful: you and Siwon bumped up the amount of fanservice to make up for the lack of EunHae, you began distancing yourself from me yourself instead of trying to repair our bond, you found solace with Siwon and Sungmin, and I became… nothing. I remember how the heart that once beat for me wasn’t mine anymore; I remember how my heart beat a hundred times faster to make up for it, but it still wasn’t enough. You were already gone.
Where was my time machine? Where was the miracle that would bring you back to me, wholly and completely, until our hearts beat for each other, and I could kiss your goodnight, or hold you when you sought comfort, or make sweet love to you, or love you until death and even past that? I remember how I prayed every night for a miracle of God’s grace, how I hoped until my hope had died and even then. I cried myself to sleep at night, and stayed up until dawn if I had run my tears dry. I remember wondering why time still trickled on and on when there was someone in this universe so desperately wishing for it to stop… to rewind. No one watched me deteriorate; no one needed to. They knew I couldn’t live without you, there wasn’t much to be said after that. I could see it in their eyes: the pity, the sympathy, the worry… but I didn’t want the members’ sympathy, their pity, or concern. I wanted you, the one I couldn’t have.
I remember disappearing into myself, slowly sinking into my dreams, more nightmares than restful slumber. You appeared in my sleep every time I closed my eyes, and every night I was lulled to sleep by the memory of you whispering caring nothings and I love you’s in my ear when we lay next to each other. You haunted my nightmares until I would jerk awake panting, sweating, and yearning for your touch, your smell, your taste. I remember a long time ago, I told you that I couldn’t live without you and that without you, I’d die. You didn’t remember that conversation, but it reappeared in my nightmares like a ghost’s soft, breezy whisper. I remember how I knew that my words then were true; I couldn’t live without you. I miss you, Hyukkie.
I remember how my broken pieces never converged or rejoined, remaining separate and shattered. I felt like a piece of glass, nothing but a reflection in a cracked mirror (Do you remember when you shattered the bathroom mirror after our biggest fight?). I allowed myself to slip into the cracks, gazing at my broken reflection and seeing my disjointed limbs, my refracted face, my fragmented tear-stained cheeks. I remember falling and falling, falling and falling, further and further without an end in sight, but somehow it was reassuring; no matter how long I fell, I’d always be revolving in the same circles, same pattern. I remember hoping that you would fall with me-maybe we could fall upwards and you could find us again.
I remember that I stopped praying to God every living moment of my day; I remember praying to time, begging it to stop ticking forward by the second. Every second you were slipping further and further away (or maybe it was me), lost in an impenetrable darkness that refused to relinquish its hold (or maybe it was me).
There was a day when I returned home from a meaningless schedule filled with fake laughs, fake smiles, fake, scripted lines, and fake personalities. I remember seeing the back of your head over the back of the couch, seeing it leaning and fitting snugly into the crook of Siwon’s neck as you cuddled up next to him, watching television programs without much interest. I remember freezing in my steps, letting my bag slip from my shoulder to my elbow, watching with wide eyes as you exchanged soft, mumbled whispers with who was once our best friend, but now so obviously more.
I remember how the remains of my heart clenched, and I could almost hear the audible cracking of those tiny fragmented remnants break into tinier, minuscule pieces when I watched you turn your head and place a chaste peck on Siwon’s lips, smiling as you drew away. Your eyes sparkled with that intensity I had only seen when you were with me; it was a look that spoke millions of word and thousands of emotions. I remember how I accidently shuffled my feet while trying to force myself to move, to leave, to let you go. You jumped out of your position on the couch and looked at me with worried, guilty, fearful eyes and for a second my heart jumped and my stomach flipped because I hoped that you had remembered me and felt guilty for the reason of having an affair.
But your words weren’t what I wanted to hear-even if you had kissed Siwon, remembering us was worth anything... anything. Siwon looked at me with an equally guilty face, and I knew the reason why. He knew I loved you, he knew that no matter what, I always will, and how he was betraying me, taking advantage of the fact that you didn’t remember my love for you, our love. My duffel bag dropped from my arm and hit the ground with a thud. I remember how with one sentence, one question, you sent me running to my room with my head ducked and eyes clenched tightly, the door banging closed before I let out my tears and cried my heart out… again. I’m sorry, Hae, but I’m gay. I l-love Siwon… please don’t hate me-.
I remember how you ran after me and started banging on the door, making it shake in its door frame. I curled up deeper into my pillow and blankets, hoping to muffle out the sound of your voice screaming my name. I remember wondering if it was possible to suffocate myself by shoving my face into my pillow and holding my breath. I wanted to die. After a while the banging stopped and I could barely hear your whispers. I remember pretending like it was my imagination; it might as well have been: you were already Siwon’s, not mine, never to be mine again. I remember knowing that Siwon was the one who pulled you away, and I listened to your heartbreaking sobs on the other side of the door. I knew Siwon was holding you just like I did that one day, before you forgot everything. I remember hoping, in the most twisted, wicked, hurtful way, that you would forget everything again. But, I just laughed and chuckled and cried and choked and sobbed until I was sleeping.
That night I woke up with a jerk, my dreams still vivid in my mind. I remember chastising myself over how it was you, you sucking me off in the bathtub when you were too tired for another round. The round drops of water skated down your back as you kneeled down in front of me, never breaking eye contact with those smoldering, lustful eyes. I remember how real my dream seemed, how pleasurable, how erotic you looked, and I made my way to the bathroom to have a cold shower to calm myself down, not wanting release unless it was from you. I remember how when I stepped out of the bathroom with a towel wrapped around my waist to return to my room and cry myself to sleep again, I paused when I heard a small thumping coming from your room. What I heard next had me turning and running back into the bathroom, bending over the toilet bowl with the little contents of my stomach from lunch lurching from my stomach. I remember shaking my head back and forth while I washed the bile from my mouth, clenching my eyes and trying to keep from crying (in vain) or screaming. My tears joined the water in the sink while your pleasured moans resounded in my ears, winding through the back of my mind until I could hear nothing else.
I remember that that night, I ignored the moans and pants that I could hear through the wall and ran to my room. I remember how I tossed myself onto my bed like a broken rag, but I might of well have been-I was broken, shattered, crying, but I couldn’t feel any of it. Numbness had spread through my body. My eyes found the digital clock innocently blinking in its position on my bed side table. I remember how the seconds counted up, mocking me with the LED green lights blinking with every second. A minute passed and the number changed from a 3 to a 4. I let out a hysterical scream and buried my head into my pillow, letting my tears spill onto the white cloth. I remember picking my head up and watching the clock again for another three minutes, the numbers slowly counting up towards another minute, another hour, another day that I couldn’t hold you. Damnit! Why couldn’t time just stop? Rewind! Please, rewind!
With an anguished cry, I supported myself up with my right elbow while reaching towards the clock with my left hand. Through my tears, I grappled around on the table before grabbing the metal device. I remember how whimpers slowly slipped out of my lips as I slammed my eyes shut and bit my lip until it felt as if it were bleeding. My left arm’s disoriented aim was off and as I picked up the clock and launched it flying across the room, dragging its plug out of the socket in the wall. I remember how the clock slammed into the wall, creating a small dent, nearly imperceptible. The battery cover clicked out of place and the two batteries flew out of their places. I remember gazing at the clock, screen empty and unblinking, before sighing and turning over in my bed. I didn’t bother climbing under the sheets that night, but I barely felt the cold.
I remember how the next morning, I was the only one who didn’t have a schedule. You came knocking at my door again before you left with Jungsu-hyung, but I didn’t reply, pretending to be sleeping. I remember how I couldn't bare to see your face; the first thing I would remember would be your moans and groans from the night before. They would only remind me that those moans weren’t only mine to produce anymore. I remember how Siwon came tapping at my door right after you left with a sigh. I could barely hear him, but I could make out what he said. I don’t remember what I felt-there’s just a blank space where that memory should be. I think I’ve blocked it out. I-I’m sorry, Donghae… But I’ve loved him for so long, and I just… I’m sorry.
The dorm was empty when I finally walked out of my room. I remember seeing the small breakfast that Ryeowook had laid out on the kitchen table, next to which was a small note with worry scrawled all over it, expressing everyone’s concern. I remember pondering whether I should eat or not before ignoring the food and turning to the couch. We had so many memories on this couch-we used to cuddle under a single blanket while watching Finding Nemo or the Titanic, we used to sleep together when we were too tired to make our way to the bedroom, we shared numerous kisses, pecks or more, on this couch. But now all I saw was the image of you and Siwon sharing that kiss. I moaned in frustration. Why couldn’t you be mine? You were mine before. I remember still not understanding what had happened to you that day, and I suppose it will always remain a mystery. Why was it that when I was the last person holding you before you fell asleep and awoke with no memories, you didn’t remember why I was the one holding you. You loved me, and I loved you, but that was all gone; I remember not even knowing the reason why, how, what had happened. But you were gone; that was all.
I remember falling asleep on the couch without any tears this time. I wanted to tell myself that I had run out of tears, that there would be no more crying and sobbing fits filled with wet cheeks and runny noses, but I knew that wasn’t true. I remember how you had always been the only one who could heal my broken heart, but you were the one breaking my heart this time; there wasn’t any cure.
I remember how that evening, when everyone returned back to the dorm at their respective times, they all paused in surprise at the state of our dorm. I was sitting with my back against the back of the couch, my knees pulled up to my chest and my face buried between my knees. I remember how Heechul-hyung snapped at everyone else and told them all to see what else I had done around the dorm; he approached me alone; you stood behind him hesitantly, not knowing if you could talk to me or whether I would go hysterical. I remember breathing deeply while I wondered if you still thought that I hated you for being gay. I already knew, Hyukjae, but you were gay for me, so I didn’t care. But you’re supposed to be mine. Heechul-hyung laid a hand on my shoulder, but I didn’t respond. I remember him shaking me, calling out softly. Donghae. Donghae... I know, Hae-ah. I’m here… I remember how his voice choked at the end, and how he pulled me into his embrace-was it reassurance for me, or for us both? Heechul-hyung had only ever cried over Jungsu-hyung and Hankyung-hyung before, so why me? I didn’t want anyone’s love but yours… the one I couldn’t have.
Jongwoon-hyung was the first to appear with my broken alarm clock in hand. I remember him pausing midsentence when he saw the sight in front of him. You were still standing with wide eyes while Heechul-hyung was embracing me, crying into my shoulder. I remember how Jongwoon-hyung just placed my alarm clock on the couch’s side table and left without another word, sighing as he left-I thought I could hear a waver in his sigh, like he was trying hard to keep his voice steady. I’m sorry for making you all cry; I really am. Slowly, almost cautiously, I remember lifting my arms and hugging Heechul-hyung back; he just buried his head deeper into the crook of my neck and sobbed even harder. I’m sorry, Donghae-ah. But he had nothing to apologize for.
I remember tightening my hold around Heechul-hyung petite frame, pulling him closer towards me. Don’t cry, Heechul-hyung. I don’t want to see you cry. He didn’t respond; I’ll never know whether he heard me or not. When Jungsu-hyung walked in, he immediately approached us both, wondering what this was all about. I remember glancing up long enough to see you reach your hand out and stop him, communicating in your silent way that Heechul-hyung and I were to be left alone. Jungsu-hyung nodded and turned away, finally noticing what had built up in a pile on the couch’s side table. I remember how he picked up the batteries in confusion before seeing the pile of clocks, some broken, some were just stopped.
I remember how he stared in horror at the clocks while I lifted my head from my legs and watched him, almost reproachfully. Jungsu-hyung turned to me with question in his eyes, but I refused to answer his question. Heechul-hyung finally let go of me, and I remember how he got up shakily, wiping his eyes and walking away into his room like nothing had ever happened. Jungsu-hyung followed Heechul-hyung with his eyes before turning back to me. I remember turning my head away from the curious, concerned expression and rising myself, half-walking and half-stumbling to my room before closing the door, fumbling for the lock until it clicked into place. I remember noticing that the alarm clock was gone, along with the manual one that usually hung on my wall, next to my dresser. I sighed before stripping my shirt off my body and tossing it onto the ground. I remember climbing into bed, and lying facing the ceiling, staring at the plain white wall. I remember missing you so much that I felt my heart breaking along with my will power, my soul, my entity; you are my everything, still.
I remember how for the rest of the evening, I stared straight above me, watching the ceiling as it didn’t move, standing still. There was nothing even slightly interesting about it, but somehow the plain patterns that didn’t exist kept my mind off you as I kept trying to find them. The darkness slowly flooded my room through the window, and soon I couldn’t see the white ceiling above me. I remember wasting the night away; I fell asleep thinking of you, dreamed about you, woke up with you on my mind, and repeated. It was torture. I remember how the sun slowly rose when dawn broke, how its light slowly infiltrated my room. My eyes adjusted to the brightness, but I had no clue what time it was; there were no more clocks that worked. Somehow, I felt as if time had stopped and there was nothing to tell me otherwise, but then I remember noticing how the sun was five times higher than it had been just an hour ago, and tears sprung to my eyes. I remember realizing that no matter what I did, no matter how much I hoped, time would move on, with or without me, and you going with it; you had already left me behind. Come back, Hyukkie. You never did. I miss you.
I don’t remember your face when I walked outside in the morning. I heard Jungsu-hyung telling Donghee-hyung that he had asked Junghoon-hyung for all my schedules to be canceled, so I was free, if I wanted to be. I joined the rest of the members at the table, where everyone gazed at me in shock and surprise. I remember Heechul-hyung’s sympathetic, worried, and somehow relieved expression. You were the first one to open your mouth. Hey, Donghae. It was a mere mumble, but everyone heard it, and they all jolted out of their frozen postures. I remember how Donghee-hyung lowered his spoon of cereal from his mouth and back into his bowl. He smiled. Welcome back, Donghae. I hope you’re doing better. I remember wanting to contradict his greeting, wanting to tell him that no, I wasn’t back. I couldn’t come back unless a specific someone pulled me out of this dark, lonely, reverie, but I didn’t. I remember how more chimes of ‘Good morning!’s and other greetings sounded, and Sungmin-hyung patted me on the back as I poured myself a bowl of cereal. I remember how no one mentioned my mental breakdown, how I pulled all the batteries from the clocks in the dorm and tossed them onto the ground. No one mentioned the reason of my actions. I remember knowing that none of them dared to say it out loud, though they all knew. Everyone but you, that is.
I remember how when I was finished with breakfast, I managed a smile before I left the table. It wasn’t that hard, really. It was just like smiling for the fans and MCs on those stupid variety shows. I remember how nobody questioned me as I pulled on a jacket, opened the door and headed outside; they didn’t notice the folded piece of paper and pen I had jammed into my pocket. I remember seeing Heechul-hyung glance up from his still unfinished meal with a expression of curiosity in my peripheral vision. Did he suspect something? I didn’t want to hurt him; I didn’t want to hurt anyone, but this was hurting me, and I couldn’t bare with it any longer. Goodbye, I whispered under my breath, and then I remember realizing too late that I had left my favorite Nemo plushie back in the dorm. Oh well. It’s not like I was coming back. There were no more “See you later.”s.
I found myself climbing to the top of the dorm building, pushing past staircase after staircase. I remember running into cobwebs along the way, and dust lined the railings, so I pushed on with my own leg muscles until they were burning with exertion. I remember how tears sprung to my eyes when I finally lay my sights upon the door to the open, fresh air, and when I propped the heavy metal open, the water escaped and cascaded onto my cheeks.
Right now, I’m sitting on the cold concrete of the roof of this building. My hand is shaking while I write these sentences, and tears are ruining what I already wrote. I remember a time when I was happy, but the memory seems so distant right now. I remember when the mere image of your face would bring a giddy smile to my face and happiness would flush through my body, but now I just keep envisioning you with Siwon. I remember when I would hold you against my chest as we slept, whether it was bare skin or clothed, but now I just hear your moans, now Siwon’s too. I remember when we promised each other that we would always be in love; I pricked my thumb with a pin and you did the same. I remember smiling as we pressed the small beads of red together, an oath in the body, the heart, the mind.
I just want you to know that I still love you no matter what. I want everyone else to know that I love them too, and I never meant for any of them to cry on my behalf; I never wanted to hurt anyone. Time moves on… I know that now… so please, move on with it. I remember begging you to return, but you never did, so maybe it’s time for me to leave by myself. Now, I won’t remember whether you’ll mourn my loss; I don’t know how you’ll react. I don’t know whether you’ll miss me, so I obviously can’t remember it. I won’t be able to remember anything in a little bit; I won’t be able to make new memories, and I’ll miss all the memories I can remember right now. But most of all, I’ll miss you. I’ll miss you all, but you, Hyukjae, are my life, and you’re not mine anymore.
To Jungsu-hyung, Heechul-hyung, Hankyung-hyung (when he finds out), Jongwoon-hyung, Donghee-hyung, Youngwoon-hyung (when he returns), Zhou Mi-hyung (isn’t that what you prefer me to call you when I’m speaking Korean?), Sungmin-hyung, Siwonnie, Ryeowook, Kibum (when you tell him), Kyuhyun, and Henli Henry, it was never your fault. I love you all, and thank you for caring for me and loving me too.
To Hyukjae… my Hyukkie… I love you. It’s not your fault either, so don’t blame yourself, okay? Thank you for loving me while it lasted. I’ll always love you to make up for it.
Goodbye…
Love,
Lee Donghae
*-*-*-*-*
Donghae chuckled humorlessly before dropping the pieces of paper onto his lap. Tears streamed from his eyes, but he made no motion to wipe them away, letting them soak down into his skin, filling his entire body with woe and anguish. He picked up the papers and folded them neatly into each other, letting them fall to the ground next to the pen that had rolled away. There was no wind that day, so he didn’t have to worry about his note flying away with the breeze; there were no worries anymore, and even if there were, they wouldn’t be his in but a few moments.
“I’m sorry,” Donghae called up to the sky, hoping to let the heavens hear him. The clouds continued floating by, quiet against the blue sky. There was no response. Then again, had there ever been?
He slowly brought his feet closer to the edge of the building. It was a Sunday; there weren’t many people out on the street, and no one paid any attention to the top of a twenty-story building. Tears trickled down Donghae’s face as he sniffed and tried to calm himself. He had to do this; this was what he wanted, but even as he told him that, he knew it wasn’t true. The one he wanted was Hyukjae-this was only a last resort, a painkiller, a way of escaping being the coward he was.
“I’m sorry,” Donghae whispered this time, stepping forward until his feet were halfway over the edge, his toes over thin air. Balancing precariously, Donghae closed his eyes, letting the air envelop his body. “Forgive me.”
A small breeze picked up, but it felt foreign against Donghae’s skin; he was numb… cold, blocking out the world around him. “It’s too late…,” he whispered, even softer than before. He was talking to himself now. “…but I love you, Hyukkie.”
*-*-*-*-*
Hyukjae shouldered his bag as he walked out of the building. The company’s car waited for him out front, so the walk wasn’t long. There wasn’t much wind, but when Hyukjae was walking towards the car, a small breeze picked up; Hyukjae didn’t pay it any mind until h was halfway into the van. A few folded pieces of paper flew from above him, flitting around with the light gusts of wind. Hyukjae snatched it out of the air, curious as to what it was. A note, perhaps? Or maybe it was a long lost letter? He nearly chuckled at the thought.
Hyukjae dropped his bag into the van, letting it land on the seat before turning back to the papers. He unfolded them, gazing curiously at the neat scrawl written on the paper; immediately, he recognized the handwriting: it was Donghae. Hyukjae’s eyebrows scrunched together as he scanned over the contents. He flipped to the last page and read the ending, the last sentences… the conclusion. Images flashed through his mind, feeling bloomed in the bottom of his stomach again. Hyukjae saw Donghae’s smiling face, he smelled his musky scent, he could taste the light vanilla taste of his lips. Hyukjae remembered.
He took off running, back into the building; his legs carried him as fast as they could. He pumped his leg muscles faster, strong, harder, until he couldn’t feel them running, his mind a blur, his eyesight, too. Tears streamed down from his eyes, falling backwards instead of down onto his cheeks due to the speed at which he was going. He ran through the small lobby of the SM building, taking a glance at the elevator before he reached the doors. Deducing that the lift being on story 18 wasn’t going to be fast enough, Hyukjae veered and turned towards the stairs. Hold on, Donghae. Hold on, I’m coming! Please, please, please, don’t leave me!
Hyukjae was panting by the seventeenth story, and he clung to the railing as he climbed, still pushing himself to the limit. Around and around, he climbed, breathing deeply, his legs aching and burning with every stop he took. Hyukjae ran the last three stories until he was panting heavily, breathing against the large metal door that led to the rooftop; he didn’t have any time to spare. He just wanted to stop the clock, to freeze time for a moment. Give me more time! Please Donghae. Hold on a bit longer!
Hyukjae pulled open the door, tears blurring his vision. He could barely make out a figure standing on the edge of the roof. Blood pounded in his ears as he ran forward. Donghae bit his lip until he tasted the metallic blood invading his mouth and coating his taste buds. Donghae breathed in once, and held his breath, before exhaling. Once more, he breathed in deeply, allowing the oxygen to infiltrate his lungs.
“Donghae! Please, I love you!” he heard.
Too late, Donghae realized who the voice belonged to. He had lifted his left leg, and the air greeted him like an old friend. The ground smiled up at his face, but Donghae closed his eyes so he couldn't see it and relaxed into the air resistance. Hyukjae screamed in hysterics.
Please, no. I remember.
*-*-*-*-*
A/N: I'm back! It's been a little over a week, and I'm back!
Well, of course, this is probably the most angsty thing I've written, and it's the longest thing, too. Cheers! But I really like how this traveled with the emotions. It starts off pretty heartbroken, but it becomes crazy and disoriented, and then whenever it's Hyukjae's POV it's kind of happy again, only to turn to heartbreaking again. I hope you all see that. I wrote this in bits and pieces, so I hope it flows properly.
And, I have ideas for Chapter 5 of Lovelessly Loved and Suicide Lists part 3, but heads up, because those are very angsty, too! Chapter 5 of Lovelessly Loved should be pretty long, so I wouldn't expect an update soon, but maybe sometime this week. I do have to write the entire thing, even if I do have the main ideas set up.
I'm not sure how often I'm going to be updating, because personally, I'm still a little uncomfortable about writing and updating, but I'm trying for my sake and everyone else's! I really want to dedicate something to you guys for being such great supporters, and even if this is really quiet angsty, I hope you enjoy it. This is for you, all of you!
Again, drop me some comments to tell me what you think. I usually don't ask for comments because it's up to you, but if you want, please do! This oneshot is pretty much a trial... I'm not sure if it's even that good, but I wanted to post it to see how it works and gets received.
Anyway, thank you all so much!
Author: xsilentserenity
Pairing(s): Haehyuk, broken!Haehyuk, Sihyuk, impliedbroken!Sihyuk
Rating: PG-13
Genre: Angst, Drama, Suspense, Character Death(?), implied smut
Warnings: major angst, character death (but I'm not saying if he really dies!), implied smut
Disclaimer: Such a pity.
Summary: We promised each other than we would always love each other, but you forgot that promise. Now, all I have are the memories that I remember, but that alone isn't enough.
*-*-*-*-*
I remember a time when I was happy, and everything worked out as planned. When the love of my life was standing by my side, when you said you would never leave. I remember when we would share intimate hugs, intimate kisses, intimate love, promising to remain together forever. I remember when that happiness seemed everlasting, when nothing ever changed. I remember when you said you would be back, waving a “See you later!” not a “Goodbye.”
There was a time when I believed in that “See you later!” and I never stopped waiting. Of course, I saw you every day; you and I worked together, but nothing was ever the same. I remember how I was waiting for you to return, wearing a giddy smile on my face because I thought… I knew it would reflect yours. But it didn’t. I remember how you came into the dorms crying, sobbing, coughing and choking, and I immediately bundled you up in my arms and rocked you back and forth, wondering what was wrong but not daring to ask. You fell asleep in my embrace that night, and I fell asleep with you against my chest. I remember… that was the last time.
I remember the morning after that sorrowful evening, when you woke up confused. I remember how you looked around with a bewildered expression, taking in your surroundings. I remember calling your name, but you never responded until I shook you by your shoulders, screaming at you to pay attention. You hadn’t listened even then, had you? You had only stared me in the eyes, eyebrows scrunched in concentration as you looked at my face. I remember glancing at your sweet lips, wanting them. I remember taking them for a chaste peck, placing my lips on yours, in only for a quick taste of your strawberry. There hadn’t been anything wrong with that until you pushed me away, wiping your lips in disgust.
I remember staring at your with incredulity as you screamed at me, obscenely asking me why I would kiss you. I remember how the noises roused the attention of the other members, and they sleepily walked into the living room, wondering why there was ruckus so early in the morning. I remember you screaming at them, too. It wasn’t until you asked us who we were did we realize what had happened. But I remember thinking it was a joke. There was no way, right?
I thought about how you wouldn’t break your promise; you said you would never leave. I remember watching the other members load you into Jungsu-hyung’s car and begin piling in, until only Sungmin-hyung and I were left. I remember how he approached me carefully, tiptoeing around the situation at hand, and asking if I was alright. Was I alright? I don’t remember, but I don’t think so. No, I don’t think I was okay at all. You… you were gone. I remember Sungmin-hyung brushing the stray strands of hair out of my face carefully, his fingers barely hovering over my face… like I was porcelain doll, so easily broken and left shattered. You see how you left me?
I remember being broken. It was a slow process. My heart first shattered when you pushed me. My heart shattered again when they brought you back. I remember how dazed you looked, how worried everyone else was. Even Heechul-hyung didn’t have anything to say, and was that a stray tear running down Kyuhyun’s cheek? I don’t remember. My mind was blank. I can’t remember.
I remember how you approached me, ever so carefully, like you could see right through me again. I remember how I thought about how you could always tell if I was hurt or not with a single glance, and even without knowing me, you still knew more about me than me, myself. I remember taking a step back as you approached, tripping over the pillows scattered on the ground. I remember you reaching your hand out to grab me but missing, grabbing invisible thin air instead. I remember wondering if that was the sign that it was over… you couldn’t hold me anymore. And I was falling from you.
I remember you coming back to them… but never me. I remember how you woke up one morning before rushing out into the dorm with only your boxers on, trying every bedroom door until you found who you were looking for. I remember you pulling him out of bed, waking everyone else in the process, before pulling him into your embrace and nearly crying from happiness and relief. I remember how it was Sungmin-hyung who you remembered first, not me. I remember standing in the doorway watching everyone else celebrate the slight return of your memory. I remember being jealous, hurt, angry… I remember being heartbroken… crying.
I remember how you remembered Jungsu-hyung second. I remember how we were around the dinner table, eating a quick meal of ramen when you laughed and mentioned how you and Jungsu-hyung would always take a bowl of ramen to Kiss the Radio so you could eat on the way like it was second nature. I remember how Jungsu-hyung nearly tipped his chair over in his hurry to hug you, burying his face in your shoulder before sobbing like the emotional wreck we all knew he became sometimes. I remember sitting at the corner of the table, next to Jongwoon-hyung, staring at the hug with distaste. I remember Jongwoon-hyung turning to me and asking if I was okay. Was I okay? I don’t think so. No, I don’t remember being okay. I was never okay after you left me.
I remember how Siwon reappeared in your memory next… how he grinned cheekily and pulled you into his embrace, almost like he was mocking me, taunting me, shoving it in my face that he could have you… and I couldn’t. Why him? Why not me? I remember asking myself, berating myself, beating myself up over it. Why couldn’t you have remembered me before him? I remember asking Jungsu-hyung if he thought you would ever remember me. He ruffled my hair after giving me a worried look and told me that of course you would. I remember turning to Heechul-hyung because he was the only one I would ever get a straight answer out of. I remember him giving me a weak smile before patting me on the shoulder. I don’t know, Hae-ah. I hope so.
I remember when you finally recognized me. I remember how I had already had my heartbroken and shattered and the pieces stomped on five times. I remembered how I only came back to you after those three and Shindong-hyung and Ryeowook. When you hugged me for the first time since that kiss, I remember wondering whether we had even touched between that heartbreaking kiss and now. But I wrapped my arms around you, and buried my face in the crook of your neck, and inhaled your sweet strawberry scent, and pretended like I was tasting it on your lips instead. I remember how Heechul-hyung smiled and grinned and I grinned back until we heard you whisper into the air, into nothingness. I remember how my heart froze in that moment before plummeting and shattering and scattering in a million pieces to places that I could never reach to find them. Thank you for being my best friend, Hae.
I don’t remember what happened after that. I think my mind went blank. There is no memory, no remembrance, so vivid words painted, engraved, etched into my brain. I forgot it all… on purpose. I remember how with time, you slowly recovered your missing memories; you slowly returned to us, to Super Junior. I remember how the members rejoiced when you finally remembered Youngwoon-hyung across a video chat, finally completing all fourteen other members-I had thought Heechul-hyung would be last, but you had hugged him tightly, asking for you to never be awkward again. I remember being jealous over that sign of friendship and friendship only, but then again, that was all I was receiving, too. I remember crying myself to sleep in my shared room with Jungsu-hyung, trying to keep my cries silent.
Life continued as we all remembered it to be. You were a bit disoriented at first, wondering what an idol’s life was like, but when I first demonstrated the dances for you, I remember how your expression lit up and you recognized us as Super Junior. Time passed, and we resumed promotions like usual, rejoining our precious ELFs for the world to see. I remember how we would return to the dorms, tired and exhausted from a long day’s work, and all the members would either scramble for the bathroom or collapse directly onto their beds. You would always just lie down on the couch until someone woke you up for a shower, and I remember that’s exactly what you continued doing. It was all so familiar, but there was always something missing, and I remember knowing that was the goodnight kiss you would bestow upon me, the quiet, gentle making love session we would have if we were had energy, the unison of our hearts and bodies through our sweet passion. I remember missing you so much that it hurt more than losing you.
I watched as day by day, I lost you some more. We were still best friends, but I wanted more; I wanted you, and you were what I couldn’t have, at least, not like before. I remember how the fanservice was painful, hurtful, always reminding me how for you, it was just that and only that. I remember how I cried to Jungsu-hyung one night, letting it all out while he comforted me in his embrace, holding me when you weren’t there. I requested for the fanservice level to decrease, and Jungsu-hyung made it happen somehow; I don’t know how, but he’s Jungsu-hyung, so you know… I didn’t question it. I remember how you were confused at how distant I became, but neither of us dared question it. I remember how we tiptoed on glass shards, trying hard not to tread on dangerous ground when we were already there- it’s too late.
I don’t remember when I slipped under, but I know I did-and one day, I was just gone, missing, wasted…forgotten. It was a mixture of all things painful: you and Siwon bumped up the amount of fanservice to make up for the lack of EunHae, you began distancing yourself from me yourself instead of trying to repair our bond, you found solace with Siwon and Sungmin, and I became… nothing. I remember how the heart that once beat for me wasn’t mine anymore; I remember how my heart beat a hundred times faster to make up for it, but it still wasn’t enough. You were already gone.
Where was my time machine? Where was the miracle that would bring you back to me, wholly and completely, until our hearts beat for each other, and I could kiss your goodnight, or hold you when you sought comfort, or make sweet love to you, or love you until death and even past that? I remember how I prayed every night for a miracle of God’s grace, how I hoped until my hope had died and even then. I cried myself to sleep at night, and stayed up until dawn if I had run my tears dry. I remember wondering why time still trickled on and on when there was someone in this universe so desperately wishing for it to stop… to rewind. No one watched me deteriorate; no one needed to. They knew I couldn’t live without you, there wasn’t much to be said after that. I could see it in their eyes: the pity, the sympathy, the worry… but I didn’t want the members’ sympathy, their pity, or concern. I wanted you, the one I couldn’t have.
I remember disappearing into myself, slowly sinking into my dreams, more nightmares than restful slumber. You appeared in my sleep every time I closed my eyes, and every night I was lulled to sleep by the memory of you whispering caring nothings and I love you’s in my ear when we lay next to each other. You haunted my nightmares until I would jerk awake panting, sweating, and yearning for your touch, your smell, your taste. I remember a long time ago, I told you that I couldn’t live without you and that without you, I’d die. You didn’t remember that conversation, but it reappeared in my nightmares like a ghost’s soft, breezy whisper. I remember how I knew that my words then were true; I couldn’t live without you. I miss you, Hyukkie.
I remember how my broken pieces never converged or rejoined, remaining separate and shattered. I felt like a piece of glass, nothing but a reflection in a cracked mirror (Do you remember when you shattered the bathroom mirror after our biggest fight?). I allowed myself to slip into the cracks, gazing at my broken reflection and seeing my disjointed limbs, my refracted face, my fragmented tear-stained cheeks. I remember falling and falling, falling and falling, further and further without an end in sight, but somehow it was reassuring; no matter how long I fell, I’d always be revolving in the same circles, same pattern. I remember hoping that you would fall with me-maybe we could fall upwards and you could find us again.
I remember that I stopped praying to God every living moment of my day; I remember praying to time, begging it to stop ticking forward by the second. Every second you were slipping further and further away (or maybe it was me), lost in an impenetrable darkness that refused to relinquish its hold (or maybe it was me).
There was a day when I returned home from a meaningless schedule filled with fake laughs, fake smiles, fake, scripted lines, and fake personalities. I remember seeing the back of your head over the back of the couch, seeing it leaning and fitting snugly into the crook of Siwon’s neck as you cuddled up next to him, watching television programs without much interest. I remember freezing in my steps, letting my bag slip from my shoulder to my elbow, watching with wide eyes as you exchanged soft, mumbled whispers with who was once our best friend, but now so obviously more.
I remember how the remains of my heart clenched, and I could almost hear the audible cracking of those tiny fragmented remnants break into tinier, minuscule pieces when I watched you turn your head and place a chaste peck on Siwon’s lips, smiling as you drew away. Your eyes sparkled with that intensity I had only seen when you were with me; it was a look that spoke millions of word and thousands of emotions. I remember how I accidently shuffled my feet while trying to force myself to move, to leave, to let you go. You jumped out of your position on the couch and looked at me with worried, guilty, fearful eyes and for a second my heart jumped and my stomach flipped because I hoped that you had remembered me and felt guilty for the reason of having an affair.
But your words weren’t what I wanted to hear-even if you had kissed Siwon, remembering us was worth anything... anything. Siwon looked at me with an equally guilty face, and I knew the reason why. He knew I loved you, he knew that no matter what, I always will, and how he was betraying me, taking advantage of the fact that you didn’t remember my love for you, our love. My duffel bag dropped from my arm and hit the ground with a thud. I remember how with one sentence, one question, you sent me running to my room with my head ducked and eyes clenched tightly, the door banging closed before I let out my tears and cried my heart out… again. I’m sorry, Hae, but I’m gay. I l-love Siwon… please don’t hate me-.
I remember how you ran after me and started banging on the door, making it shake in its door frame. I curled up deeper into my pillow and blankets, hoping to muffle out the sound of your voice screaming my name. I remember wondering if it was possible to suffocate myself by shoving my face into my pillow and holding my breath. I wanted to die. After a while the banging stopped and I could barely hear your whispers. I remember pretending like it was my imagination; it might as well have been: you were already Siwon’s, not mine, never to be mine again. I remember knowing that Siwon was the one who pulled you away, and I listened to your heartbreaking sobs on the other side of the door. I knew Siwon was holding you just like I did that one day, before you forgot everything. I remember hoping, in the most twisted, wicked, hurtful way, that you would forget everything again. But, I just laughed and chuckled and cried and choked and sobbed until I was sleeping.
That night I woke up with a jerk, my dreams still vivid in my mind. I remember chastising myself over how it was you, you sucking me off in the bathtub when you were too tired for another round. The round drops of water skated down your back as you kneeled down in front of me, never breaking eye contact with those smoldering, lustful eyes. I remember how real my dream seemed, how pleasurable, how erotic you looked, and I made my way to the bathroom to have a cold shower to calm myself down, not wanting release unless it was from you. I remember how when I stepped out of the bathroom with a towel wrapped around my waist to return to my room and cry myself to sleep again, I paused when I heard a small thumping coming from your room. What I heard next had me turning and running back into the bathroom, bending over the toilet bowl with the little contents of my stomach from lunch lurching from my stomach. I remember shaking my head back and forth while I washed the bile from my mouth, clenching my eyes and trying to keep from crying (in vain) or screaming. My tears joined the water in the sink while your pleasured moans resounded in my ears, winding through the back of my mind until I could hear nothing else.
I remember that that night, I ignored the moans and pants that I could hear through the wall and ran to my room. I remember how I tossed myself onto my bed like a broken rag, but I might of well have been-I was broken, shattered, crying, but I couldn’t feel any of it. Numbness had spread through my body. My eyes found the digital clock innocently blinking in its position on my bed side table. I remember how the seconds counted up, mocking me with the LED green lights blinking with every second. A minute passed and the number changed from a 3 to a 4. I let out a hysterical scream and buried my head into my pillow, letting my tears spill onto the white cloth. I remember picking my head up and watching the clock again for another three minutes, the numbers slowly counting up towards another minute, another hour, another day that I couldn’t hold you. Damnit! Why couldn’t time just stop? Rewind! Please, rewind!
With an anguished cry, I supported myself up with my right elbow while reaching towards the clock with my left hand. Through my tears, I grappled around on the table before grabbing the metal device. I remember how whimpers slowly slipped out of my lips as I slammed my eyes shut and bit my lip until it felt as if it were bleeding. My left arm’s disoriented aim was off and as I picked up the clock and launched it flying across the room, dragging its plug out of the socket in the wall. I remember how the clock slammed into the wall, creating a small dent, nearly imperceptible. The battery cover clicked out of place and the two batteries flew out of their places. I remember gazing at the clock, screen empty and unblinking, before sighing and turning over in my bed. I didn’t bother climbing under the sheets that night, but I barely felt the cold.
I remember how the next morning, I was the only one who didn’t have a schedule. You came knocking at my door again before you left with Jungsu-hyung, but I didn’t reply, pretending to be sleeping. I remember how I couldn't bare to see your face; the first thing I would remember would be your moans and groans from the night before. They would only remind me that those moans weren’t only mine to produce anymore. I remember how Siwon came tapping at my door right after you left with a sigh. I could barely hear him, but I could make out what he said. I don’t remember what I felt-there’s just a blank space where that memory should be. I think I’ve blocked it out. I-I’m sorry, Donghae… But I’ve loved him for so long, and I just… I’m sorry.
The dorm was empty when I finally walked out of my room. I remember seeing the small breakfast that Ryeowook had laid out on the kitchen table, next to which was a small note with worry scrawled all over it, expressing everyone’s concern. I remember pondering whether I should eat or not before ignoring the food and turning to the couch. We had so many memories on this couch-we used to cuddle under a single blanket while watching Finding Nemo or the Titanic, we used to sleep together when we were too tired to make our way to the bedroom, we shared numerous kisses, pecks or more, on this couch. But now all I saw was the image of you and Siwon sharing that kiss. I moaned in frustration. Why couldn’t you be mine? You were mine before. I remember still not understanding what had happened to you that day, and I suppose it will always remain a mystery. Why was it that when I was the last person holding you before you fell asleep and awoke with no memories, you didn’t remember why I was the one holding you. You loved me, and I loved you, but that was all gone; I remember not even knowing the reason why, how, what had happened. But you were gone; that was all.
I remember falling asleep on the couch without any tears this time. I wanted to tell myself that I had run out of tears, that there would be no more crying and sobbing fits filled with wet cheeks and runny noses, but I knew that wasn’t true. I remember how you had always been the only one who could heal my broken heart, but you were the one breaking my heart this time; there wasn’t any cure.
I remember how that evening, when everyone returned back to the dorm at their respective times, they all paused in surprise at the state of our dorm. I was sitting with my back against the back of the couch, my knees pulled up to my chest and my face buried between my knees. I remember how Heechul-hyung snapped at everyone else and told them all to see what else I had done around the dorm; he approached me alone; you stood behind him hesitantly, not knowing if you could talk to me or whether I would go hysterical. I remember breathing deeply while I wondered if you still thought that I hated you for being gay. I already knew, Hyukjae, but you were gay for me, so I didn’t care. But you’re supposed to be mine. Heechul-hyung laid a hand on my shoulder, but I didn’t respond. I remember him shaking me, calling out softly. Donghae. Donghae... I know, Hae-ah. I’m here… I remember how his voice choked at the end, and how he pulled me into his embrace-was it reassurance for me, or for us both? Heechul-hyung had only ever cried over Jungsu-hyung and Hankyung-hyung before, so why me? I didn’t want anyone’s love but yours… the one I couldn’t have.
Jongwoon-hyung was the first to appear with my broken alarm clock in hand. I remember him pausing midsentence when he saw the sight in front of him. You were still standing with wide eyes while Heechul-hyung was embracing me, crying into my shoulder. I remember how Jongwoon-hyung just placed my alarm clock on the couch’s side table and left without another word, sighing as he left-I thought I could hear a waver in his sigh, like he was trying hard to keep his voice steady. I’m sorry for making you all cry; I really am. Slowly, almost cautiously, I remember lifting my arms and hugging Heechul-hyung back; he just buried his head deeper into the crook of my neck and sobbed even harder. I’m sorry, Donghae-ah. But he had nothing to apologize for.
I remember tightening my hold around Heechul-hyung petite frame, pulling him closer towards me. Don’t cry, Heechul-hyung. I don’t want to see you cry. He didn’t respond; I’ll never know whether he heard me or not. When Jungsu-hyung walked in, he immediately approached us both, wondering what this was all about. I remember glancing up long enough to see you reach your hand out and stop him, communicating in your silent way that Heechul-hyung and I were to be left alone. Jungsu-hyung nodded and turned away, finally noticing what had built up in a pile on the couch’s side table. I remember how he picked up the batteries in confusion before seeing the pile of clocks, some broken, some were just stopped.
I remember how he stared in horror at the clocks while I lifted my head from my legs and watched him, almost reproachfully. Jungsu-hyung turned to me with question in his eyes, but I refused to answer his question. Heechul-hyung finally let go of me, and I remember how he got up shakily, wiping his eyes and walking away into his room like nothing had ever happened. Jungsu-hyung followed Heechul-hyung with his eyes before turning back to me. I remember turning my head away from the curious, concerned expression and rising myself, half-walking and half-stumbling to my room before closing the door, fumbling for the lock until it clicked into place. I remember noticing that the alarm clock was gone, along with the manual one that usually hung on my wall, next to my dresser. I sighed before stripping my shirt off my body and tossing it onto the ground. I remember climbing into bed, and lying facing the ceiling, staring at the plain white wall. I remember missing you so much that I felt my heart breaking along with my will power, my soul, my entity; you are my everything, still.
I remember how for the rest of the evening, I stared straight above me, watching the ceiling as it didn’t move, standing still. There was nothing even slightly interesting about it, but somehow the plain patterns that didn’t exist kept my mind off you as I kept trying to find them. The darkness slowly flooded my room through the window, and soon I couldn’t see the white ceiling above me. I remember wasting the night away; I fell asleep thinking of you, dreamed about you, woke up with you on my mind, and repeated. It was torture. I remember how the sun slowly rose when dawn broke, how its light slowly infiltrated my room. My eyes adjusted to the brightness, but I had no clue what time it was; there were no more clocks that worked. Somehow, I felt as if time had stopped and there was nothing to tell me otherwise, but then I remember noticing how the sun was five times higher than it had been just an hour ago, and tears sprung to my eyes. I remember realizing that no matter what I did, no matter how much I hoped, time would move on, with or without me, and you going with it; you had already left me behind. Come back, Hyukkie. You never did. I miss you.
I don’t remember your face when I walked outside in the morning. I heard Jungsu-hyung telling Donghee-hyung that he had asked Junghoon-hyung for all my schedules to be canceled, so I was free, if I wanted to be. I joined the rest of the members at the table, where everyone gazed at me in shock and surprise. I remember Heechul-hyung’s sympathetic, worried, and somehow relieved expression. You were the first one to open your mouth. Hey, Donghae. It was a mere mumble, but everyone heard it, and they all jolted out of their frozen postures. I remember how Donghee-hyung lowered his spoon of cereal from his mouth and back into his bowl. He smiled. Welcome back, Donghae. I hope you’re doing better. I remember wanting to contradict his greeting, wanting to tell him that no, I wasn’t back. I couldn’t come back unless a specific someone pulled me out of this dark, lonely, reverie, but I didn’t. I remember how more chimes of ‘Good morning!’s and other greetings sounded, and Sungmin-hyung patted me on the back as I poured myself a bowl of cereal. I remember how no one mentioned my mental breakdown, how I pulled all the batteries from the clocks in the dorm and tossed them onto the ground. No one mentioned the reason of my actions. I remember knowing that none of them dared to say it out loud, though they all knew. Everyone but you, that is.
I remember how when I was finished with breakfast, I managed a smile before I left the table. It wasn’t that hard, really. It was just like smiling for the fans and MCs on those stupid variety shows. I remember how nobody questioned me as I pulled on a jacket, opened the door and headed outside; they didn’t notice the folded piece of paper and pen I had jammed into my pocket. I remember seeing Heechul-hyung glance up from his still unfinished meal with a expression of curiosity in my peripheral vision. Did he suspect something? I didn’t want to hurt him; I didn’t want to hurt anyone, but this was hurting me, and I couldn’t bare with it any longer. Goodbye, I whispered under my breath, and then I remember realizing too late that I had left my favorite Nemo plushie back in the dorm. Oh well. It’s not like I was coming back. There were no more “See you later.”s.
I found myself climbing to the top of the dorm building, pushing past staircase after staircase. I remember running into cobwebs along the way, and dust lined the railings, so I pushed on with my own leg muscles until they were burning with exertion. I remember how tears sprung to my eyes when I finally lay my sights upon the door to the open, fresh air, and when I propped the heavy metal open, the water escaped and cascaded onto my cheeks.
Right now, I’m sitting on the cold concrete of the roof of this building. My hand is shaking while I write these sentences, and tears are ruining what I already wrote. I remember a time when I was happy, but the memory seems so distant right now. I remember when the mere image of your face would bring a giddy smile to my face and happiness would flush through my body, but now I just keep envisioning you with Siwon. I remember when I would hold you against my chest as we slept, whether it was bare skin or clothed, but now I just hear your moans, now Siwon’s too. I remember when we promised each other that we would always be in love; I pricked my thumb with a pin and you did the same. I remember smiling as we pressed the small beads of red together, an oath in the body, the heart, the mind.
I just want you to know that I still love you no matter what. I want everyone else to know that I love them too, and I never meant for any of them to cry on my behalf; I never wanted to hurt anyone. Time moves on… I know that now… so please, move on with it. I remember begging you to return, but you never did, so maybe it’s time for me to leave by myself. Now, I won’t remember whether you’ll mourn my loss; I don’t know how you’ll react. I don’t know whether you’ll miss me, so I obviously can’t remember it. I won’t be able to remember anything in a little bit; I won’t be able to make new memories, and I’ll miss all the memories I can remember right now. But most of all, I’ll miss you. I’ll miss you all, but you, Hyukjae, are my life, and you’re not mine anymore.
To Jungsu-hyung, Heechul-hyung, Hankyung-hyung (when he finds out), Jongwoon-hyung, Donghee-hyung, Youngwoon-hyung (when he returns), Zhou Mi-hyung (isn’t that what you prefer me to call you when I’m speaking Korean?), Sungmin-hyung, Siwonnie, Ryeowook, Kibum (when you tell him), Kyuhyun, and Henli Henry, it was never your fault. I love you all, and thank you for caring for me and loving me too.
To Hyukjae… my Hyukkie… I love you. It’s not your fault either, so don’t blame yourself, okay? Thank you for loving me while it lasted. I’ll always love you to make up for it.
Goodbye…
Love,
Lee Donghae
*-*-*-*-*
Donghae chuckled humorlessly before dropping the pieces of paper onto his lap. Tears streamed from his eyes, but he made no motion to wipe them away, letting them soak down into his skin, filling his entire body with woe and anguish. He picked up the papers and folded them neatly into each other, letting them fall to the ground next to the pen that had rolled away. There was no wind that day, so he didn’t have to worry about his note flying away with the breeze; there were no worries anymore, and even if there were, they wouldn’t be his in but a few moments.
“I’m sorry,” Donghae called up to the sky, hoping to let the heavens hear him. The clouds continued floating by, quiet against the blue sky. There was no response. Then again, had there ever been?
He slowly brought his feet closer to the edge of the building. It was a Sunday; there weren’t many people out on the street, and no one paid any attention to the top of a twenty-story building. Tears trickled down Donghae’s face as he sniffed and tried to calm himself. He had to do this; this was what he wanted, but even as he told him that, he knew it wasn’t true. The one he wanted was Hyukjae-this was only a last resort, a painkiller, a way of escaping being the coward he was.
“I’m sorry,” Donghae whispered this time, stepping forward until his feet were halfway over the edge, his toes over thin air. Balancing precariously, Donghae closed his eyes, letting the air envelop his body. “Forgive me.”
A small breeze picked up, but it felt foreign against Donghae’s skin; he was numb… cold, blocking out the world around him. “It’s too late…,” he whispered, even softer than before. He was talking to himself now. “…but I love you, Hyukkie.”
*-*-*-*-*
Hyukjae shouldered his bag as he walked out of the building. The company’s car waited for him out front, so the walk wasn’t long. There wasn’t much wind, but when Hyukjae was walking towards the car, a small breeze picked up; Hyukjae didn’t pay it any mind until h was halfway into the van. A few folded pieces of paper flew from above him, flitting around with the light gusts of wind. Hyukjae snatched it out of the air, curious as to what it was. A note, perhaps? Or maybe it was a long lost letter? He nearly chuckled at the thought.
Hyukjae dropped his bag into the van, letting it land on the seat before turning back to the papers. He unfolded them, gazing curiously at the neat scrawl written on the paper; immediately, he recognized the handwriting: it was Donghae. Hyukjae’s eyebrows scrunched together as he scanned over the contents. He flipped to the last page and read the ending, the last sentences… the conclusion. Images flashed through his mind, feeling bloomed in the bottom of his stomach again. Hyukjae saw Donghae’s smiling face, he smelled his musky scent, he could taste the light vanilla taste of his lips. Hyukjae remembered.
He took off running, back into the building; his legs carried him as fast as they could. He pumped his leg muscles faster, strong, harder, until he couldn’t feel them running, his mind a blur, his eyesight, too. Tears streamed down from his eyes, falling backwards instead of down onto his cheeks due to the speed at which he was going. He ran through the small lobby of the SM building, taking a glance at the elevator before he reached the doors. Deducing that the lift being on story 18 wasn’t going to be fast enough, Hyukjae veered and turned towards the stairs. Hold on, Donghae. Hold on, I’m coming! Please, please, please, don’t leave me!
Hyukjae was panting by the seventeenth story, and he clung to the railing as he climbed, still pushing himself to the limit. Around and around, he climbed, breathing deeply, his legs aching and burning with every stop he took. Hyukjae ran the last three stories until he was panting heavily, breathing against the large metal door that led to the rooftop; he didn’t have any time to spare. He just wanted to stop the clock, to freeze time for a moment. Give me more time! Please Donghae. Hold on a bit longer!
Hyukjae pulled open the door, tears blurring his vision. He could barely make out a figure standing on the edge of the roof. Blood pounded in his ears as he ran forward. Donghae bit his lip until he tasted the metallic blood invading his mouth and coating his taste buds. Donghae breathed in once, and held his breath, before exhaling. Once more, he breathed in deeply, allowing the oxygen to infiltrate his lungs.
“Donghae! Please, I love you!” he heard.
Too late, Donghae realized who the voice belonged to. He had lifted his left leg, and the air greeted him like an old friend. The ground smiled up at his face, but Donghae closed his eyes so he couldn't see it and relaxed into the air resistance. Hyukjae screamed in hysterics.
Please, no. I remember.
*-*-*-*-*
A/N: I'm back! It's been a little over a week, and I'm back!
Well, of course, this is probably the most angsty thing I've written, and it's the longest thing, too. Cheers! But I really like how this traveled with the emotions. It starts off pretty heartbroken, but it becomes crazy and disoriented, and then whenever it's Hyukjae's POV it's kind of happy again, only to turn to heartbreaking again. I hope you all see that. I wrote this in bits and pieces, so I hope it flows properly.
And, I have ideas for Chapter 5 of Lovelessly Loved and Suicide Lists part 3, but heads up, because those are very angsty, too! Chapter 5 of Lovelessly Loved should be pretty long, so I wouldn't expect an update soon, but maybe sometime this week. I do have to write the entire thing, even if I do have the main ideas set up.
I'm not sure how often I'm going to be updating, because personally, I'm still a little uncomfortable about writing and updating, but I'm trying for my sake and everyone else's! I really want to dedicate something to you guys for being such great supporters, and even if this is really quiet angsty, I hope you enjoy it. This is for you, all of you!
Again, drop me some comments to tell me what you think. I usually don't ask for comments because it's up to you, but if you want, please do! This oneshot is pretty much a trial... I'm not sure if it's even that good, but I wanted to post it to see how it works and gets received.
Anyway, thank you all so much!