oh the anxiety of it all!
yup, its back. just like that.
Dont have a relationship with a commitment phobe. It doesn't last as long as you would like. Well, I now have a "friend with benefits". Its fine I was warned in the beginning. Making out for hours is cool; but they are a little blue. (sigh) I felt as if I had some emotional security. I am pretty bummed. F.W.B is tight, but I will probably put more feelings into it than I should. (what else is new?)
I don't want anxiety. It makes my days shitty. Anxiety and depression don't go together either. I want my life-changing experience now. I don't want to be here, in my frame of mind or around all these problems. Whether internal or external I can't seem to escape them. I need to escape. My only outlets seem to be alcohol or marijuana. This scares me. I dont want to do these things. They not only lower my self esteem even more (which is pretty low), but I disappoint people. I dont want this. As soon as my "buzz" or high comes down the problems hit harder.
Why must I drink to have fun? Why can't I just chill like Phil or Russ? Damn alcoholism. Danny, Adrian, and I had forties last night. I wasn't drinking my sorrows away, cause I found out that doesn't work on Valentines. We just chilled and played Scatagories w Katie, Joey, Kellen , Ulysses. That was fun.I wish I wouldn't just worry. Jealousy and thinking too much into things sets in then my days are consumed. I wish I was able to pick someone and make myself fall for them. I hate being stuck on people who don't care. Why do I do that? Am I so selfish that I can't get over if they don't like me back? Wow, pretty pathetic. My mind has been on one thing for the last 3 months, and it has been distracting me from everything and everyone. I wish I was "independent" and really did mean it when I say I don't need anyone. Truth is, I really do miss that feeling of being liked. Sure, there is someone who has a crush.. but I don't reciprocate those feelings. That part really sucks.(stolen from shant).
My heart is beating weird. Could it be psychological?(clearly physiological) My frame of mind is slow, dull at this moment, so my body speeds up my heart? I wonder what would happen if I could tell everyone my inner thoughts, and feelings. If the merns read all of my entries, who would care? Who would tell me Im stupid? Who could relate? How much shit would I be in? I fear the outcome. (sigh) I know who I can talk to, who I cant, and who I wouldn't want to.
I feel like a bum. I have to run. I can turn the depression into anger and run it out. I need to be outdoors more. Dont force things on your friends. When people think they have a secret, its the best. "well turned into a monster.." An upside about dwelling on things is that you think things that after a while start to make sense.. so when its out in the open you already know and if its bad, it doesn't hurt that much.(but it does hurt.)The scenarios I have vary from instances like fighting a mountain lion to what if situations amongst friends. Oh and lots of sexual ones.chicks I see at V.C,in the group, fantasies and such..I hate being horny all the time, it leads to random hard ons. lol.
By the way, Im fucking crazy.
To the one who is like me.(my twin)
WE: both want what we can't have. Always care about others. Think too much into things. are selfish. think we will never be happy. love good music. love being in the moment. are always the life of the party. put on happy faces only knowing each others true feelings. love being alone with our thoughts(sometimes). want to do so much in life. don't follow through with things. always worry how we look. have emotions like a roller coaster. enjoy driving and listening to music and singing at the top of our lungs.( add more if you like)
These are not all our characteristics. So don't dwell on them. Reading them again, I find there being a lot of qualities that could be considered negative. Don't worry nobody else knows or thinks these things of us, and If they do, oh well. Don't leave me.
what a morning already.geez. enough about me. I dont have Word or anything on my comp. so this is my outlet. I could write these things but I find it easier to type and listen to music,and to have people that care and who are trusted reading this, helps me too. Thank You.
New Panic at the Disco is pretty good. I've listened to it a bunch of times. They sound like the Beatles so much. School today from 1 to 4. gay. have to go. Everybody's just broke these days. I cant wait for white lines 2! work on Sat. 11-5 then bowling I think for Genna's birthday.(siiiiiigh)
I will try not to dwell, but hey I've always gots me pills! j.k a sense of relief has washed over me. I am now ready for the day. After I rub one out. lol
I got graaaaapes!(oooo)
Hey Her! Stop ruling my Life! Damn It!
(kisses)
Dont have a relationship with a commitment phobe. It doesn't last as long as you would like. Well, I now have a "friend with benefits". Its fine I was warned in the beginning. Making out for hours is cool; but they are a little blue. (sigh) I felt as if I had some emotional security. I am pretty bummed. F.W.B is tight, but I will probably put more feelings into it than I should. (what else is new?)
I don't want anxiety. It makes my days shitty. Anxiety and depression don't go together either. I want my life-changing experience now. I don't want to be here, in my frame of mind or around all these problems. Whether internal or external I can't seem to escape them. I need to escape. My only outlets seem to be alcohol or marijuana. This scares me. I dont want to do these things. They not only lower my self esteem even more (which is pretty low), but I disappoint people. I dont want this. As soon as my "buzz" or high comes down the problems hit harder.
Why must I drink to have fun? Why can't I just chill like Phil or Russ? Damn alcoholism. Danny, Adrian, and I had forties last night. I wasn't drinking my sorrows away, cause I found out that doesn't work on Valentines. We just chilled and played Scatagories w Katie, Joey, Kellen , Ulysses. That was fun.I wish I wouldn't just worry. Jealousy and thinking too much into things sets in then my days are consumed. I wish I was able to pick someone and make myself fall for them. I hate being stuck on people who don't care. Why do I do that? Am I so selfish that I can't get over if they don't like me back? Wow, pretty pathetic. My mind has been on one thing for the last 3 months, and it has been distracting me from everything and everyone. I wish I was "independent" and really did mean it when I say I don't need anyone. Truth is, I really do miss that feeling of being liked. Sure, there is someone who has a crush.. but I don't reciprocate those feelings. That part really sucks.(stolen from shant).
My heart is beating weird. Could it be psychological?(clearly physiological) My frame of mind is slow, dull at this moment, so my body speeds up my heart? I wonder what would happen if I could tell everyone my inner thoughts, and feelings. If the merns read all of my entries, who would care? Who would tell me Im stupid? Who could relate? How much shit would I be in? I fear the outcome. (sigh) I know who I can talk to, who I cant, and who I wouldn't want to.
I feel like a bum. I have to run. I can turn the depression into anger and run it out. I need to be outdoors more. Dont force things on your friends. When people think they have a secret, its the best. "well turned into a monster.." An upside about dwelling on things is that you think things that after a while start to make sense.. so when its out in the open you already know and if its bad, it doesn't hurt that much.(but it does hurt.)The scenarios I have vary from instances like fighting a mountain lion to what if situations amongst friends. Oh and lots of sexual ones.chicks I see at V.C,in the group, fantasies and such..I hate being horny all the time, it leads to random hard ons. lol.
By the way, Im fucking crazy.
To the one who is like me.(my twin)
WE: both want what we can't have. Always care about others. Think too much into things. are selfish. think we will never be happy. love good music. love being in the moment. are always the life of the party. put on happy faces only knowing each others true feelings. love being alone with our thoughts(sometimes). want to do so much in life. don't follow through with things. always worry how we look. have emotions like a roller coaster. enjoy driving and listening to music and singing at the top of our lungs.( add more if you like)
These are not all our characteristics. So don't dwell on them. Reading them again, I find there being a lot of qualities that could be considered negative. Don't worry nobody else knows or thinks these things of us, and If they do, oh well. Don't leave me.
what a morning already.geez. enough about me. I dont have Word or anything on my comp. so this is my outlet. I could write these things but I find it easier to type and listen to music,and to have people that care and who are trusted reading this, helps me too. Thank You.
New Panic at the Disco is pretty good. I've listened to it a bunch of times. They sound like the Beatles so much. School today from 1 to 4. gay. have to go. Everybody's just broke these days. I cant wait for white lines 2! work on Sat. 11-5 then bowling I think for Genna's birthday.(siiiiiigh)
I will try not to dwell, but hey I've always gots me pills! j.k a sense of relief has washed over me. I am now ready for the day. After I rub one out. lol
I got graaaaapes!(oooo)
Hey Her! Stop ruling my Life! Damn It!
(kisses)